Coda
by anissa7118
Summary: Nina survives the end of Black Swan.  Now she has to figure out how to put the pieces of the mirror back together.   Lily/Nina.  Rated M for sensuality, Lily's profanity, and disturbing events in the past.
1. Survival

**Hello and welcome to my story! I was very much inspired by Darren Aronofsky's **_**Black Swan**_**, so here's my take on what happens after the movie ends. More truthfully, this plot bunny gnawed my ankles and insisted on being written, so I gave in. **

**Disclaimer****: I do not own the rights to the movie or the characters. I am just playing in someone else's sandbox here. The story contains spoilers for the movie. Finally, be prepared for fairly explicit femslash (Lily/Nina, eventually) and some potentially triggery stuff in someone's past.**

**I'm going to try to update as often as possible, so put me on Story Alert so you don't miss anything. Reviews are very much appreciated!**

**ETA: I forgot a disclaimer, and I realized the copy of the story I'd used to post this didn't have the most up-to-date editing changes. Only a word or two has been altered.  
**

…

To Nina's disappointment, she lives. The story was supposed to end with her final leap, perfection attained, her swan song the pinnacle of achievement. She'd found her freedom at last in the acceptance of her death, her suicide, and she'd danced like never before even while knowing that each move opened the wound a little wider. As the lights swam above her, bathing her in brilliance, she drifted away content and at peace.

And then she woke up again, in the hospital. Alive, and having to face herself and everything she'd done or imagined. She sank into depression, willed herself to die, trying to let go of life so it could slip through her hands and set her free again. The nurses wouldn't let her, badgering her awake, making her eat and take medicines. Apathy wasn't sufficient for suicide, but she let herself live a half-life, lost in dreams of a white swan soaring.

One day Beth wheeled herself into the room, dark eyes fierce and bitter. "Isn't it a little early for you to be cracking up?" She went on in that vein for a while, but Nina just stared at her. Her cheeks were unmarked, no sign of the stab wounds Nina had half-convinced herself were her fault. Had that all been a hallucination too? No, Beth was wearing the diamond earrings, so Nina had returned the things she'd stolen. Maybe just the part where Beth woke up had been illusion.

People talk to her about stress, about anxiety, but Nina knows the truth: she's gone crazy. Her mind is fractured, different parts of her embodied by different people. For a while she wonders if there even is a new dancer called Lily, but then she realizes Lily must be real. The others reacted to her presence the way her mother didn't the night she imagined she brought Lily home.

She begins to try to piece together what's real, and what isn't. Thomas comes to visit and, in a voice full of concern, tells her he wants her to see a specialist in the treatment of nervous disorders. Nina laughs after he leaves. She may be naïve, but she knows he's sending her to a shrink. She doesn't fight; she knows she's out of her mind. Maybe this 'specialist' can help her find her way back in.


	2. Perspective

When Nina lay bleeding, taking the role of the Swan Queen way too literally, while Thomas shouted for help and the other girls stared in horror, it was Lily who knelt beside her. She'd taken Nina's too-cold hand and told her to hold on, they'd get help for her, just hang on and everything would be all right. She hadn't seen any comprehension in Nina's eyes, not even when she leaned in close and whispered, "I won't do it, I won't take this role from you, I'm not ready yet. You're the Swan Queen, I'm just a little swan still, so you better not die on me."

Nina didn't die, anyway, so maybe she'd heard. She did wind up in the hospital, and Lily had to dance the role in spite of what she'd said. Honestly, truly, she didn't want it – yet. That first night, when she'd heard Nina was sick, she'd psyched herself up to do it. Whatever, she didn't have the pure technical skill Nina had, but she was ready to go out and give it her best. That was all any dancer, any artist, could do – give all of themselves while knowing that perfection was unattainable. And then when Nina walked in, Lily had flipped out from the adrenaline, but secretly she was relieved. In another year or two, then she'd want to be the lead. For now she was happy to still be getting settled in with a new company, featured occasionally but mostly hanging out with the other soloists. Lily danced for the love of it, not for money or fame or glory. It was what she'd wanted to do as far back as she could remember.

When she was a little girl, one Christmas she'd received a glass ballerina. It had been the most exquisite thing in the world to her child's eyes. Minute bubbles in the glass gave texture to the ballerina's clothes, and that detail used to fascinate Lily. Only later did she realize that the bubbles compromised the structure, made it more prone to breakage. Beauty by way of fragility, and if Nina doesn't embody the concept, no one does.

Even before her breakdown, Lily knew Nina had issues. If she was wound any tighter, she'd explode, and in spite of all that technical mastery she never seemed to _enjoy_ dancing. Nina seemed to dance out of some weird masochistic desire to destroy herself, pushing way too hard, demanding perfection and scourging herself for even the tiniest faults. If Lily was half that good she'd have been content, but nothing was good enough for Nina.

Someone needed to help her chill out before she gave herself an ulcer, and Lily thought she'd been chosen. But then giving her the ecstasy and taking her clubbing seemed to have been a mistake. After that, half the time Nina acted like Lily was the Devil incarnate come to steal her soul, when before she'd behaved as if Lily was her only friend, the only anchor she could cling to in a hurricane. Yeah, Nina was one fucked-up little ballerina.

Still, a weirdly compelling person all the same. Lily's not sure exactly how she feels about Nina – there's admiration and pity mixed together, plus a certain reserve, the hesitation to get further involved with what she knows is a screwed up situation, and at the same time compassion and the desire to help. Add some artistic rivalry, and it's one hell of a mélange. Only one thing is clear: she wants Nina to come back to the company as soon as possible.


	3. Defiance

Nina does come back, but she can't step right back into the role of Swan Queen. Even though she managed not to kill herself, she isn't ready. She has to heal, she has to practice all over again to regain the strength she lost lying in a hospital bed, and in the meantime Lily dances her role. Nina keeps to herself, stays quiet, and does the work. She's made enough fuss for one season – she can hear the girls whispering behind her back, or is that another delusion?

Meanwhile Thomas is acting strangely. He pushes her, hard and harder still, finding no fault with her dancing but insisting on repetitions. She can feel the stitches in her belly stretching, but she pushes herself just as hard. She owes him this, owes him her pain, for having nearly ruined his show. It was all her fault, she was the fragile one, the one who broke under the pressure and nearly brought all of them tumbling down…

She leaps and feels the stitches tear, warm blood beginning to seep through her leotard, and then the pain strikes, quick and brutal. Nina lands off-balance, staggers, falls, but never cries out, just doubles over the wound in her belly. Thomas makes a sound of annoyance and dismisses the other girls with an irritable wave, stalking over to Nina. "Get up. Again, Nina."

The other girls share worried glances, but no one speaks. He is their director, he has more experience than all of them, and in his own company he is God. They file out with pitying looks toward Nina, but no one comforts her, no one protests. Not even when Thomas bends toward her and shouts, "Come on!"

Only Lily looks over her shoulder, like Lot's wife unable to leave without that final backward glance, and only she sees Nina struggling to rise, her face a mask of pain. Yet she's doing it, as if intent on sacrificing herself, raising her hands to the nails so he can crucify her, and the complicity in abuse infuriates Lily the way few things can. She turns around, storms back in, snapping out, "Hey!"

Thomas looks around, surprised. He's not used to being challenged. "Lily, you are not needed here," he says, and looks right back at Nina as if he expects Lily to go tamely at that explicit dismissal.

Clearly he doesn't know her as well as he thinks he does. "Leave her alone, Thomas. She just got out of the hospital; you're pushing her way too hard." The last time she spoke to him about Nina, it infuriated the other girl, but this time Nina just looks up at her with a bemused expression.

"Are you the director? No. That will be all, Lily. Go home." This time he doesn't even bother to look at her, instead snapping his fingers at Nina like a misbehaving dog. "Come on, get up. You've danced through worse than this."

"Knock it off," Lily says sharply, and steps between them, looking up at Thomas. "It's not her fault. You pushed her so hard she had a freakin' breakdown, and now you're doing it again? Do you ever learn from your mistakes, or are you actually _trying_ to ruin her?"

Thomas turns to her again, his face thunderous, and for one instant Lily thinks he'll slap her. No one has defied him in years, but she holds her ground. Instead of hitting her, though, he strikes a deeper blow. "Take your things and get out. Go home to California. You'll never work in this city again once I'm through."

That stings; she came to New York to play in the big leagues, and when she spoke rashly she hadn't thought of how he could use his reputation and influence to ruin that dream for her. Lily lives her life without regrets, though, and she glares at him. She will not break down and beg. "Can't face the truth? I expected better of you. My mistake." With that she spins on her heel, ready to stalk out proudly.

"If she goes, I go." Nina's voice is low and deadly, the way Thomas had heard it only once before, when she arrived to the opening night of Swan Lake with determined fury in her gaze. He and Lily both stop to stare at her.

Nina is rising, thinking that swans can be dangerous. They look so fragile, but they are large, powerful birds; a single blow from one's wing can break a man's arm. And now Nina is ready to strike, her black swan side raging. At Thomas' dumbfounded look, she says it again. "You heard me. If she leaves, I leave."

He lashes back with words like razors. "Fine. Go then. I'm tired of playing nursemaid, and tired of paying for your psychiatrist. I've no use for a swan queen with broken wings."

Lily thinks those words will shatter Nina, but she holds her head up regally, her eyes flashing fire. "You can't afford the controversy. First Beth, then me in the hospital, and then your new-minted star and your up-and-coming one walk out of the company? You'll be the one who can't get work, Thomas. No one will want to work under a curse like that – and that's if none of us decide to talk about the way you run things."

Thomas snarls, "You dare threaten me? I made you everything you are, Nina!"

She laughs, and it shocks him; he's never heard Nina laugh, nothing more than a quiet little mouse-chuckle. This is a raucous, full-throated, scornful laugh. "Boy, did you ever. But that's over now. I'm done being my mother's sweet girl and I won't be your little princess."

"What are you, then?" There's a note of anxiety in his voice now, Pygmalion realizing he had wrought better than he knew.

Nina laughs again. "For now, I'm the Swan Queen. Later on I may be someone else. But I'll see you tomorrow – both of us will." With that she sweeps out, glancing at Lily to bring her along.

Lily wants to applaud, but she settles for smirking at Thomas as she follows Nina. Once they're out of earshot, she says, "That was amazing, Nina. About time you told him off."

Nina turns to her, and there's something troubled in her gaze. "Hey. I never paid you back for buying me dinner that one time. You want to get something to eat?"

"Sure," Lily replies, watching her. Something's still not quite right with Nina, and even if Thomas hadn't just confirmed the rumors of her seeing a shrink Lily would be a little wary. Nina is unpredictable as hell, but Lily figures she'll be okay.

Probably.

If they stick to public spaces.

Jesus, she's as crazy as Nina is, but the realization doesn't stop her.


	4. Strangeness

Nina doesn't really know where to go. She's lived here all her life, but Mommy doesn't like going out to dinner, and Nina doesn't like to do things alone, so usually they cook, or get something delivered, or pick up carryout. It occurs to her that that time with Lily may have been the first time she can remember eating in a restaurant.

She doesn't want to look like a fool, so she says, "Anywhere you'd like to go? It's my treat." Thankfully she does have her own money – some of it, anyway. Mommy manages most of it, taking care of the bills for her, but Nina has a small checking account to buy clothes and things.

"Do you like Thai?" Lily asks. Nina's never had it, but she says yes anyway, and they go to a little hole-in-the wall place. The tables aren't level and the chairs are rickety, but the scent of spices wafting from the back is pure heaven. Nina isn't sure what to order, half the menu is things she's never heard of, so she asks Lily's advice. "Depends. If you like it hot, get the basil beef, it's delish. If you want to avoid the ring of fire, get either the chicken galangal soup or the beef pad see ew."

"Ring of fire?" Nina queries.

Lily stares at her for a second, making her realize she's revealed her inexperience again, but the younger girl doesn't make fun of her. "It burns going in and coming out, if you know what I mean."

Nina blushes, and gets the chicken soup, which proves delicious in spite of the foreign flavors. Lily orders the basil beef and gets a spicy green papaya salad on the side. She eats with chopsticks, dipping thin slices of beef into fiery sauce and then curling her tongue around them as she brings them to her mouth. In between bites she's talking about the food, explaining where it comes from and what those exotic spices are. Nina can't stop staring, remembering those lips, that tongue … but that was just a hallucination. Lily was never there that night; she went home with a guy. And Nina needs to quit thinking about it, right now.

To distract herself, she says, "Thank you. For standing up to Thomas. No one else would have, not even me, if you hadn't."

Lily shrugs. "I'm the new girl – I don't have years of training with him, obeying his every word. It's a lot easier for me to break conditioning than it is for the rest. But they didn't like what he was doing; they could tell it was wrong, they were just too scared to speak up."

"You're never scared," Nina says, and even to her own ears her voice is wistful. Lily's easy confidence is like a far-off dream for her, someplace she can just about imagine but could never even come close to visiting. Except that once, when she danced the black swan, then she was confident and fierce like Lily.

"Not true." Lily points the chopsticks at her, fixes her with an intense mascara-shrouded gaze. "I _do_ get scared, I just don't let it stop me."

Nina cannot even imagine Lily afraid. If she doesn't let it stop her, how could anyone even tell she was scared? What is fear if not the act of cringing? Instead she says, "Still, it was brave of you. Thank you."

"It was braver for you to tell him off," Lily points out, diving back into her meal. A sliver of papaya disappears between her full lips, her odd-colored eyes rolling back at the savory heat.

"Thomas is just upset because I nearly ruined the show," Nina says.

Lily gives an unladylike snort of derision. "Yeah, right. You really believe that?"

"He's done a lot for me, and I can never repay him…" Her bravado of moments ago is gone, this is the shy white swan seeking the shelter of her prince's arms. Even if he's cruel, a bad prince is better than none – if he leaves her only choice is to jump.

Lily nearly chokes on outrage and pepper. "Oh yeah, he did a lot for you. And I bet he did a lot for Beth, too. She started out just like you, a sweet girl trying to make the big time, and he made her a drunken screaming wretch jumping in front of cars. And what's he done for you so far, Nina?"

She remembers her anger in the studio today, how clear and bright it seemed. Now that's gone, that was the black swan, the creature of lust and cunning. How could she ever have been so bold?

Lily isn't done. "The worst part is, you _defend_ him! Jesus, Nina, he's tearing you apart and you _let_ him. You're not helpless, you know. You _can_ stand up to him, you can stand up to anyone who tries to break you. No matter what happens, you're only a victim if you let yourself be victimized; you can choose to be a survivor instead."

"I don't know…" Nina trails off, looking away.

Reaching across the narrow table, Lily takes her hand. "Look, Nina. Look at me. Thomas is a major douchebag, all right? But he's a _talented_ douchebag. He can take you a long way in the world. You just can't let him drag you down in the end. He's using you, you can use him right back."

For a long moment she looks at the younger girl, considering. "You really think that way about him? That's he's, you know, a jerk?"

"He's friggin' borderline abusive, but that's the business. There are no _nice_ directors at our level, everyone's a competitive jackass, and they'll throw you under the bus in a heartbeat if you stop being profitable." Lily shrugs. "You know what? Thomas knows it too. He _knows_ this is his fault for screwing with your head in the first place, but he can't admit he was wrong in the first place, so he's taking it out on you. That's why he's being all passhole-aggresshole about practice."

The phrase startles a laugh from Nina, more of a snicker really, but Lily grins and laughs with her. At first Nina can't identify the feeling suffusing her; it's warm like the spicy broth her noodles are floating in, and after a while she decides it must be happiness. Strange that she should find it now, or that it should feel so foreign.


	5. Independence

Nina's relationship with her mother is rapidly deteriorating, and neither of them seems able to do anything about it. The white swan side of her is sad and frightened, bashing herself against the bars of a cage too small for her to spread her wings. The black swan hisses in rage, striking out at Mommy. They fight constantly, over the stupidest things, and Nina is beginning to realize she can never be happy here. She loves her mother, but being around the woman feels like being smothered with a feather pillow, softness and gentleness cutting off her air.

Mommy disapproves of the therapist. Little wonder, when he tells Nina that her desire for independence and freedom is perfectly natural. Every time Nina leaves for a session, Mommy tries to find a reason to stop her from going. Eventually she starts walking out without a word, but that only makes Mommy watch her more vigilantly and react more violently whenever the therapist is mentioned.

Under his guidance – and Nina knows now that this is the best thing she could have ever done – she is beginning to reconcile the warring swans within her, silence the voices and still the visions. The more she understands about herself, the more she's able to see how her mother is holding her back, trying to keep her tame and docile. Nina's long-suppressed resentment flares at each attempt to cow her. When Mommy snipes that _she_ never needed a therapist, and therefore Nina is obviously reaching too far in her role, Nina remembers that Mommy never got out of the chorale. When Mommy says that the therapist is changing her, making her into someone she doesn't recognize, Nina secretly rejoices.

Everything comes to a head over the money. Nina has been trying for independence in small ways, baby steps, like a little girl rising to_ demi-pointe_ before her feet are strong enough to learn to dance _en pointe_. The day her therapist asks her how much she makes dancing, and she realizes she doesn't even _know_, she decides to take a big leap, a _grande jeté en avant_. She goes home and asks to see the account books.

Mommy screams, cries, hurls accusations, but through it all Nina stays outwardly firm even though she quails inside. She wants to see her accounts, she wants to control her own money, and of course she'll contribute to the bills and the rent, but she's a grown woman now and it's _her_ money.

Tears running down her ravaged face, Mommy snarls, "Oh, you're an adult, are you? Just because you can stay out all night drinking and whoring, just because you got a lead role for _one night_ before you ruined it all? You think you're all grown up now, do you?"

The accusations hurt. Nina is still a virgin – her dream, fantasy, whatever-it-was of Lily doesn't count, and the less she thinks about that, the better. If she stays out late it's to practice, or just to avoid coming home to a scene like this. She's amazed by her own ability to keep the trembling she feels out of her voice when she replies, "I can't stay a child forever, Mommy. It's time to grow up and be my own person."

Mommy sneers at her. "Fine! Fine, you want to rip my sweet girl in half and burn the pieces, go ahead. Go on, I don't know you anymore. But as long as you live in my house you'll live by my rules, and that means _I_ handle the money! You can't be trusted with it, anyway, you'll squander it all on clothes or some stupid thing!"

She looks triumphant, as if she's won the battle even if she knows she's losing the war, but the black swan spreads her wings in Nina's mind. "All right," she replies calmly, and sweeps past her mother to her room, sliding the broomstick behind the door. Instantly Mommy is there, banging on the door, wanting to know just what Nina means by that.

Nina doesn't answer. She'll make it clear enough in a moment; she made the threat before, and now it's time to follow through. She takes her duffel bag from her closet and starts stuffing clothes into it. As she packs, she realizes how precious little of herself is in this room. She doesn't need the bedding or the few remaining stuffed animals. The alarm clock will be useful, and a few other small items, but everything Nina truly owns fits into one bag.

When she knocks the broomstick aside and the door opens, Mommy stares in shock. "I'm leaving. I'll find my own place. Now give me the account books."

"You'll be back tomorrow," Mommy snaps bitterly. "You've never spent a night on your own, you don't know the first thing about finding a place to stay. And you have no idea how to live on your own."

This is true, but Nina is determined not to give in. She remembers hearing Veronica talk about some kind of roommates arrangement, and maybe she can find something similar. Surely there are ads in the paper for that kind of thing. She walks past her mother without another glance, thinking that she'll speak to Suzy in the office about receiving her next check directly. That leads to thoughts of opening a bank account, another thing she's never done before, and Nina forces herself to stop thinking before she panics.

Instead she stops for coffee and a bagel with hummus at a tiny corner shop, and picks up a newspaper while she's there. She looks at the ads for a while as she rides the subway back to the only place she has left to go, but they make no sense to her, filled with acronyms she's never heard of. Tentatively, she circles a few that look somewhat promising, at least the parts she can understand. By the time she gets back to the studio, she knows she's hopelessly lost. Maybe one of the other girls can help her. It will have to be tomorrow; it's already late and the studio is deserted.

That's fine, Nina decides she rather likes having the place to herself, and she dances in the dim half-light. After a while the shadows seem to loom and creep in the corners of her vision, so she stops and settles herself in her dressing room to wait for morning. She sets the alarm clock on the shelf in front of her mirror where it will wake her if she does happen to fall asleep in the chair.


	6. Charity

Thomas glares at her during practice, but Lily pretends not to notice. She expects no better of him after the way she and Nina both defied him. At least Nina is getting stronger, almost back to dancing the Swan Queen, and Lily is relieved and a little sad to realize she'll be giving back the role soon. There will be other roles for her, and Thomas will have to acknowledge her skill again eventually.

He's been curbing his tongue around Nina too, going a little easier on her. She's such a perfectionist that it usually doesn't matter, but today she's definitely off her game, and Thomas doesn't bother to call her on it. Lily worries about her. Nina is still fragile, though she's making progress, and another breakdown could ruin her forever. Sometimes Lily asks herself why she cares so much, but then she remembers how she wished for a friend to rely on when she was helpless and hurting. Those times are far behind her, and she's made herself strong again in defiance of everyone who took advantage of her weakness, but she can't see someone else in the same predicament without wanting to help.

Nina flubs a _grand fouetté sauté_, badly, and Thomas just sighs exaggeratedly as the girls titter. Lily catches her eye and shrugs; you make a mistake, you laugh it off, and then you move on. Nina seems to take it hard, attacking her next move, her form becoming more rigid as she strives for perfection. By the end of the day Nina is moving like her back is sore, and it's lucky they don't have a show tonight because she's in no condition to get onstage even as a little swan. Thomas stops beside her but says nothing, just shaking his head as he walks away.

Nina heads for her dressing room, the other girls sidling out of her way as if she's got some kind of communicable disease. It aggravates Lily, the way they all treat her. Just a few months ago she was one of them, another struggling member of the company, and she hasn't really put on airs since she became the star. It's the other girls who ostracize her and enforce the separation between them. But then, Lily thinks Nina must never have been much of a joiner. Quiet, self-contained, she was probably tolerated as one of them while she was just another soloist, and now that's she's above it she has no personal friendships to fall back on. For Nina, it's lonely indeed at the top.

Lily hangs back as the others get changed and head home. She wants to give Nina a word of encouragement and maybe some advice, if Nina will take it. But as she lingers by the doors, Nina never comes out. At first Lily thinks she must have missed her, but the light is still on under Nina's dressing room door. Then after a while, Lily begins to worry. What's going on in there that's taking Nina so long? The full-length mirror was never replaced, but there's another mirror…

Taking a deep breath against whatever she might find, Lily knocks on the door. "Hey, Nina? You all right?"

"Yeah," the answer comes back softly.

Something sounds off, but Lily can't figure out what it is. "Can I talk to you a minute?"

"Sure," Nina replies, but the door stays closed.

Lily sighs. "Face to face? I never got with the whole yelling-through-doors thing."

After a moment, the door is unlocked and opened. Nina's trying to look normal, mildly interested in what Lily has to say, but her eyes are haunted. Lily's plans are swept aside by concern. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," Nina replies in that tiny timid voice.

"Bullshit, nothing's wrong," Lily replies, pressing her palm against the door so Nina can't slam it in her face for being intrusive. "You look like a dictionary definition of upset. Let me in, Nina. We can talk about it, whatever it is, okay?"

Nina stares at her, then opens the door wide and steps back to collapse into her chair. Lily drags the other chair around to face her, sitting down and leaning forward worriedly. "Come on, Nina. What's wrong?" When she gets no immediate answer, she makes an educated guess. "Why aren't you heading home?"

"I can't," Nina whispers.

"Why not?"

"I left."

"Good for you," Lily says, remembering how weird her mom was acting that night, how creepily possessive and overprotective. "So where are you staying now?"

Even as she asks, she realizes what the answer must be. Nina confirms it with a downcast look. "I … I don't have anywhere to go. I guess I could stay here, until I can find a place. I'm looking." With that she takes out the newspaper, folded to the 'Roommates Wanted' section of the classifieds.

One glance at what's circled, and Lily knows she's headed for trouble. "Okay, Nina. Forget this one … and that one … and that one too," she says, pointing to the different ads.

"Why?" Nina asks.

"Because these are single guys asking for a girl to stay with them, and they're asking for just help with utilities. That means they'll get you moved in and when you're grateful for not having to pay rent, they start asking for … other things, instead. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure there are nice guys out there – but you won't find out if he's nice or sleazy until you've been there a while, and by then, it's probably too late. The sleazy ones are way too good at making you think you owe them something."

Nina blushes at that. "What about this ad here?"

Lily scans it and frowns. "SWF is single white female, so that's good, but she says 'pet friendly' which means she probably has cats or dogs. Or both. Are you allergic?" Nina doesn't know, so they leave that aside and look at the rest of the ads. None look promising, and Nina won't have any money until her next paycheck, anyway. Most places won't wait that long, wanting a security deposit up front, which means Nina is homeless for at least a week.

"I'll be okay," she says, giving Lily a tremulous smile. "I practically live here anyway, so…"

A couple of nights of sleeping on the floor or in a chair, and Nina will crawl back home to Mommy. Lily can see that as clearly as she can see the obvious solution. She just doesn't want to do this. But if she doesn't, it will be another ten years before Nina shakes loose of her mother – if ever. Lily can't put her own convenience above someone else's sanity. Sighing, she tells Nina, "Look, I've got a sleeper sofa. You can stay with me until you find a place." Knowing full well that once Nina's under her roof, she'll feel responsible for the older girl, and Nina will wind up staying indefinitely.

The offer seems to amaze Nina, and for a long moment she simply stares at Lily. "Can I trust you?"

Lily starts to take offense, but then Nina's hesitation is probably justified. "Look, that time at the club, I was just trying to help you loosen up. I didn't mean to get you in trouble at home or anything. And I shouldn't have let you get out of my sight once you started rolling. I failed you there."

Nina nods slowly. "Lily … sometimes I have trouble knowing what's real and what's not. I … I'm not…"

Lily takes her hands gently. "You had a nervous breakdown, Nina. It happens a lot, especially to people who are really, really good dancers. It's okay. You're getting better." She takes a deep breath, and says the words that will seal both of their fates. "I'll take care of you, okay? Just for a little while, until you get back on your feet."


	7. Truth

**A quick author's note:**** I am trying to update this fic on a daily basis. It's going to be at least 25,000 words when finished, maybe a bit more, but as you may have guessed I like to explore these kinds of concepts in depth. Thank you all for reading and reviewing. Every author appreciates acknowledgement of his or her work.**

**In other news, there's a Porn Battle going on at battleDOToxoniensisDOTorg. Basically it's 11 days of people creating all the smut they can – fic, art, manips, videos, everything. There are plenty of Lily/Nina prompts there, so feel free to head over and join the fun; just be sure to read the rules, which are not difficult at all. **

**The complete prompt list should go up today, and the final day to post things is February 3****rd****. At the end of the battle, all of the works will be collected and posted by fandom, so we'll have a resource to go back to for *ahem* inspiration. I am going to fill some prompts, and I hope some of the other Black Swan writers here will too. **

…

When Nina finishes putting up her few things – her toothbrush in the bathroom beside Lily's, her clothes folded in neatly-stacked boxes – she sits on the sofa and watches Lily worriedly. The younger girl notices her attention while in the middle of lighting a cigarette. "You all right?"

"Can I really trust you?" Nina finally asks.

Lily grins merrily. "Now's a hell of a time to wonder that. Yeah, Nina, you can trust me. I promise."

Nina's gaze drops to her own hands, knotting around each other so that her knuckles stand out sharply white. "My … my therapist says I have to be truthful. I have to tell other people the truth so I know myself what's true, what's real."

Lily takes a contemplative drag on the cigarette. Is this the confession she's been half-expecting? "You can tell me anything, Nina. I'll keep it a secret from the others."

Nina picks at her nails, then asks, "Will you tell me the truth? Always?"

She thinks about it, seriously, before answering. "Yes, if that's what you want."

Nina nods, relieved. "I do. I mean, I have to know what's real, so yes, tell me the truth. Even it's painful." By then Lily is geared up to answer the question she thinks she knows is coming, and to do it as gently as possible, but what Nina actually asks throws her for a loop. "Did you sleep with Thomas?"

Her jaw is hanging open, and Lily knows this, but she's too shocked to close it for a moment. "Thomas? No, never. Why?" A second's thought while Nina hesitates, and Lily knows. "Because he made me your alternate, right? I didn't fuck him for the role. I've gone that route before, with guys like him, and I'm not too keen to get back into it yet."

"No, no, not that," Nina says, and there's something else, so Lily smokes and watches her, waiting for it to come out. "I saw … I thought I saw … you … with him. At the studio."

Lily looks her in the eyes for a full beat, her gaze steady and direct. "I never had sex with Thomas. Not at the studio or anywhere else." She doesn't want to point out that Nina's memory isn't reliable; Nina already seems to know that.

"I didn't think it was real. Or all real. He turned into Rothbar, at the end." Nina looks back at her hands. When the older girl speaks again, her voice is so soft Lily can barely hear it. "I think … I think sometimes when I see you, I'm really seeing me. Or what I want to be, what I think I should be. That's what my therapist says anyway. I have these … hallucinations, I know they can't be real, but they seem so real. And I think that one, with Thomas, was about…"

"Him trying to seduce you?" Lily suggests. It's the obvious deduction, given the weird mix of devotion and anxiety Nina has for the director. The older girl simply nods, not meeting Lily's gaze. "He wants to be Balanchine, the spider at the center of the web, controlling all his dancers. He'll use anything, anything at all, to get you to perform the way he wants. Nina, you don't have to play his games."

"Maybe I want to," Nina whispers.

Lily arches a dark eyebrow, doubting that. But now is not the time. "Anyway, I think you've been seeing these, y'know, visions of me because there's things about me that you want for yourself. My audacity, my independence … my eyeliner…"

Nina laughs again at that, and Lily grins wickedly at her. Maybe this won't be all about charity, helping a fellow dancer in need. Maybe it could even be fun.


	8. Nightmare

In her dreams, Nina dances the White Swan's death over and over again, leaping only to find herself landing on her feet before an increasingly frustrated audience. Thomas gestures angrily from the wings, the other dancers stare, and she races up the ramp to fling herself into oblivion. But her sacrifice goes unaccepted, time and time again, and the audience begins to mutter angrily. At last she meets Lily at the top of the ramp, garbed as the black swan and hissing, "Let me help you," as she plunges the shard of mirror in. The pain, the blood, the despair, but still it is not enough, and she dances broken and bleeding before the jeering audience. "Hopeless! Worthless! You are _nothing_!" Thomas shouts, and her fellow dancers boo her as her evil twin slashes with the mirror again and again and again…

"Wake up, Nina, wake up," someone shaking her shoulders, and Nina looks into her own eyes with confusion and horror. The nightmare's not over yet … but no, no, this is Lily, who looks even more like Nina herself without her makeup. Nina gasps, strives for composure, but the shreds of her nightmare still cling to her and she can't help sobbing weakly.

She expects nothing of Lily except disgust at her sniveling, thinking perhaps the other girl will simply walk away now that she's stopped crying out. Instead Lily pulls her close, hip to hip, facing opposite directions, and Nina buries her head gratefully in Lily's shoulder. Lily rocks her, slowly, soothingly, holding her until the tears drain away. Nina feels wrung out, but doesn't pull away. She can't remember the last time she felt comforted like this, held but not smothered, supported but not caged. Just for a few minutes she can rest here, just a little longer.

"Nightmare, huh?" Lily asks, rubbing her back. Nina nods, her face still buried in the curve of Lily's neck. She can smell the ghost of Lily's perfume, a warm and spicy scent, and the younger girl's skin is soft against her cheek.

"It's okay, Nina. You're safe with me." Lily murmurs reassurances, and keeps on holding her until it seems like a miracle that she hasn't pulled away. Nina soaks up the affection, grateful for this chance to lean on someone stronger. At long last, Lily asks, "Do you want to talk about it?"

"Hmmm, not really," Nina whispers, but talking is safer than sitting here breathing in Lily's scent, feeling the warmth of her body, and letting buried memories come swarming back to the surface. The last thing she needs now is a drug flashback. "I was dreaming about the dance – my last performance. I … I dreamed about … the mirror…"

Lily just rubs her back and waits. Nina never imagined she could be this patient. Gradually she tells her the dream. That means she has to explain about that night, though. She's the one who insisted on truth, and she has to tell Lily what she saw, what she did, even though Lily might kick her out of the apartment for it. "After the white swan, when I fell, I … I came back to my dressing room, and you were there. You said … you told me I wasn't ready, that you should dance the black swan for me, that it was your turn. We fought … I slammed you against the mirror…"

For a long moment she can't go on, but Lily starts to rock her again, just slightly. "It's okay, Nina. It wasn't real."

"I killed you," Nina whispers. "Stabbed you with a piece of mirror. Hid your … your _body_ … in the bathroom. And then went out and danced the black swan. Perfectly."

Lily nods, her cheek brushing Nina's hair. There's no mistrust in her voice when she says, "You were amazing then."

"When you came to my room after, to tell me, that's when … that's when I knew. There was no blood on the floor, no body in the bathroom. It wasn't you I stabbed. It was me." To her own surprise, Nina starts crying again. Lily doesn't shush her, just lets her cry it all out. Brokenly, she manages to say, "I … lived the role … white swan and black … Thomas was both prince and Rothbar … I tried to die, Lily, I tried to die at the end, it would've been perfect if I died…"

"No," Lily snaps, sounding angry with Nina for the first time. "It wouldn't have been perfect, it would've _sucked_, I'd have to dance the role and you'd be _dead_. No, Nina, it was beautiful, it was close to perfect, but the next time you dance you'll do it even better and you _won't_ try to kill yourself at the end. You hear me? You're not allowed to check out and dump this on me. I'm not trying to fill your _pointe_ shoes. This is _your_ time, your role, your triumph; you go on and own it."

Nina sniffles and nods, rubbing her face with her sleeve. "Thank you," she finally tells Lily. Neither of them has moved to pull away, and Nina is beginning to think she can't, that she'll stay snuggled against Lily's side all night if Lily will let her.

"That was another time when you saw a vision of me, and it was really you," Lily says after a while. "Were there others?"

Oh, now that's a loaded question, and Nina bites her lip, shrinking closer against Lily's shoulder to hide her face. By doing so she's as much as admitted it, so she sighs heavily. She _was_ the one who insisted on truth; she never expected it to come back and bite her so quickly. "Once. Um, after the club, when I thought … when I thought you'd come home with me." Nina can feel her face burning with embarrassment; she can't go on, can't explain what she imagined. Not when a tiny part of her is hoping Lily will kiss the tears away, and the rest of her knows how ridiculous that wish is. Sometimes it feels like she'll never escape the madness of that night. Like the drug is still lurking in her veins, wanting only Lily's nearness to make her insane again.

"I remember," Lily says, and she doesn't sound disgusted or angry, doesn't reply with condemnation. "You said as much to me at practice the next day, and I gave you hell for it. I didn't mean to be such a jackass – you just surprised me, Nina. Plus the morning after a night of rolling is never really one of my best moments." She pauses, and Nina can feel her smile from Lily's cheek pressed against her temple. "You never answered my question, though. Was I good?"

Until this moment, Nina didn't realize it was possible to blush all the way to the tips of her ears. She remembers how it felt, her whole body on fire, Lily's tongue stoking the flames and soothing the burn at the same time. Only it wasn't Lily, she reminds herself again, it was never Lily, it was just a drug-fueled fantasy no one would want to have.

Truth. Nina makes herself nod, just slightly, mortified to admit it. Lily chuckles richly, and then she does kiss Nina's hair, a momentary press of lips that seems to ring through her like crashing piano notes, freezing the older girl in place with surprise. "At least you're accurate. Good night, Nina. I'll see you in the morning." And then she's gone, leaving Nina alone with the ghost of her lips.

That night, there are no more nightmares, only dreams of Lily dancing alone in the half-shadowed studio.


	9. Cure

In the morning as she steps out of the shower, Nina sees that the rash on her shoulder flares angrily red. She bites her lip as she inspects her nails; maybe Mommy is right, maybe she needs to sleep with socks over her hands, but she can't imagine telling Lily this. It's too much a weakness, this scratching habit of hers, this nervous tic, and she rummages through the medicine cabinet in search of nail clippers.

Then it hits her: today is the day. Thomas is going to decide today if he's going to put her back into the Swan Queen role. Her rehearsals have been getting stronger, with the notable exception of the other day, and Nina knows she has to win it today or watch it slip away forever. Thomas won't give her another chance; she's seen that in his eyes, in the brooding lines of his mouth as he watches her dance.

Anxiety sweeps over her, and before Nina knows what she's doing she's bent over the toilet, throwing up. The familiar burn of acid in the back of her throat brings tears to her eyes. This is another thing the therapist is supposed to help her with, but more often than not it's simply nerves that send her stomach into knots. Not that she _doesn't_ want to be perfectly thin, but Nina's never thought of it as bulimia. The roiling mass of fear in her belly has to get out somehow, and this is fastest.

"Hey, Nina, you okay?" Lily calls through the door. Her voice is sleep-rough, husky in a way that makes Nina shiver.

Ashamed again, Nina wipes her mouth and calls back. "I'm fine. Do you have any nail clippers?"

"In my room somewhere," Lily replies. Then she's gone, and Nina finishes up in a hurry. She comes out to find Lily holding a pair of toenail clippers, which will work. But as Nina goes to clip the nails of her left hand, Lily asks, "What're you doing? You have gorgeous nails, Nina."

"I can't – I shouldn't let them grow out."

"C'mon, you don't have to fit them into _pointe_ shoes. Most people don't have perfect nails like that. You should paint them."

"But I can't. I … I just can't. If my nails are too long, I…"

Lily puts her hands on her hips and stares at Nina. "You said you were supposed to tell the truth, Nina. I was honest with you. Be honest with me."

So it comes out then, the scratching, and Lily doesn't sneer as Nina thought she would. Instead she insists on seeing the rash. Nina hesitates, and Lily tugs her sleeve. "C'mon, off with the top. Once you've seen someone in a leotard you might as well have seen them naked anyway."

That makes Nina blush as she turns her back and slips off the sweater. A vivid flash of false memory, of Lily's black lingerie and her pale skin, and then Nina's biting her lip. _Stop thinking about that, you idiot, you fool._ Lily makes a noncommittal sound, then says, "Stay right there." She moves away, then returns a moment later, and Nina flinches from the cool slickness being rubbed against her inflamed skin. "It's just hydrocortisone. It'll keep down the itching, and moisturize it so the skin can heal."

Mommy never thought to do this. With her it was always about forcing Nina not to scratch, cutting her nails brutally short and making her wear socks on her hands. It's almost a surprise that there exists another way to deal with it, and her shoulder does feel much better. "Thank you," she says to Lily, pulling her sweater back on.

"No problem," the younger girl drawls, and gives her a light punch on the arm. "Can't have you distracted on the big day."

For a moment pure anxiety overwhelms Nina, and Lily must see it in her eyes as she turns, because she takes hold of Nina's arms as if afraid she'll collapse. For a moment their voices blend in a worried babble, Lily trying to find out what's wrong and reassure, Nina almost crying and hating herself. Why must she be so damn _weak_? "I can't do this," Nina hears herself sob in defeat, and hates the sniveling tone. "I'm not ready, I can't, he'll never feature me again after the mess I made…"

Lily shushes her, gently pressing a finger against her lips, and Nina looks at her wide-eyed. "You _can_, Nina. You _have_ done it, and you'll do it again. You're the best dancer in the company. You just need to have confidence, to let go."

"I _can't!_" Nina almost shrieks. "The only time I could was when I was out of my head! How am I supposed to be confident when the last time I danced this it almost killed me?"

"Nina, you need to relax."

"I can't relax, I can't, all I can think about is how important this is and it just makes me more tense and then I get _worse_…" That's too much for Nina, thinking about it, and she runs to the bathroom. Throwing up twice before breakfast is no good, her mouth tastes foul and her stomach is more painful than before.

Lily knocks on the door, and Nina's certain she means to tell her to get out. Surely Lily's patience is running out with such a pathetic, craven houseguest. She rinses her mouth and opens the door, trying not to flinch.

But Lily is standing there with a white pill in the palm of her hand and a steady look in her eye. "You need to relax, Nina, now more than ever."

Nina takes a deep breath. It could help – she remembers how she felt, how sensual, how _powerful_, and knows this is the cure she needs. With a small nod, she takes the pill from Lily.


	10. Ecstasy

**This chapter is dedicated to IAmNotTheWalrus' homework. :D **

…

Thomas is amazed. For a long moment he cannot speak, as Nina's black swan holds her pose and glares at him with eyes that sear. The other girls are holding their breath, and Lily is keeping her fingers crossed. Thomas has to acknowledge that performance; it's the best any of them have ever seen. "Nina, you will dance the Swan Queen in Friday night's show." The other girls erupt into applause, but Nina acknowledges it with only a demure smile and nod. She's too busy trying not to float away, the drug coursing in her veins and making her light-headed.

She retreats to her dressing room, pressing her hands against the walls to hold herself in place. It's as though with a casual gesture she could soar, as though she'll fly away if she isn't careful. And the excitement of being chosen all over again is nothing compared to her own awareness of how excellent her dancing was. It wouldn't have mattered, really, if Thomas had passed her by; Nina knew it was perfect, and that everyone watching knew it too. All she's ever wanted is perfection.

Lily bursts into the room full of congratulations, hugging Nina impulsively, but the drug is pulsing deep inside. Nina's rolling, and the congratulations flow into something else. As Lily begins to step back from the hug, Nina catches her face and kisses her deeply, kisses her with the passion that is as much a symptom of the drug as the new fluidity in her dancing.

"Nina," Lily gasps against her insistent mouth, and tries to pull away, but Nina pins her against the wall, hips tight against Lily's. Lust sings through her body as she buries her hands in Lily's hair. Rolling? No, this is flying, soaring, wild exhilaration at finally giving in to the demands of the drug. No hallucination this time, she can taste Lily's lipstick, feel the heat of her skin.

Catching her wrists, Lily tries to push her off, but Nina captures Lily's bottom lip between her teeth. The half-painful, half-sensual nip halts Lily's attempts to escape for a moment, and Nina crushes their mouths together again with a longing moan. "Shouldn't have let me roll… You know what it does to me … what it makes me do…" she whispers wickedly, and a part of her knows this has to stop eventually. For now, though, oh, it's sweet.

"I didn't give you ecstasy," Lily says, as Nina grinds her hips against her. "Nina. _Nina_. You're not rolling, Nina. I didn't give you anything."

Stark horror cuts across the fog of desire, and Nina stares at her. It can't be true. She remembers Lily standing in the bathroom doorway, a white pill just like the other one. "This morning…" Nina begins, faltering. She'd thought the delusions had stopped since the show, and if she's wrong about that then there's so much more wrong with her than she'd realized before.

"I never did say it was ecstasy," Lily tells her, and Nina lets go, utter mortification coiling in her gut. Not a hallucination, a _trick,_ a nasty trick Lily played on her, and why did she expect anything different from someone who'd drug her drink? "It was vitamin B-12, Nina, it just _looked_ like ecstasy."

Now she realizes that the lights haven't been throbbing, that the colors haven't started to smear, that the music hasn't left a taste on her tongue. All those things happened the last time she rolled, senses blending into each other, but not now. This time she had only the dance … and the desire.

Nina backs away as Lily comes toward her trying to explain. "…see, you _can_ do this, you did it without drugs. Nina, you only _thought_ you were rolling, you just have to relax, you can do it on your own…"

But all Nina can see is the way Lily's lower lip is swelling from that bite. Bad enough that she confessed the fantasy; now she's practically molested Lily here in the dressing room. No one can know of this, shame and fear and panic twist together to blot out Lily's words, and Nina whispers, "You tricked me."

"I was trying to help you…"

"No! You lied to me!" Nina's voice is rising toward to hysteria, her eyes huge in her panicked face. "I trusted you! You know … you know I have to know what's true, what's real, and you tricked me, you're trying to hurt me, you knew and you did it anyway!"

"I didn't mean…"

"_Liar!_ How am I supposed to know what's illusion and what's real if you lie to me?" Nina almost screams, not caring if the rest hear. It's all ruined anyway.

Lily grabs her Nina by the nape of her neck and kisses her hard. A single instant of frozen shock, like the moment when the spotlight first finds her onstage, completely exposed and alone and for a second unable to move or respond. Then Nina kisses her back greedily, slides her arms around Lily's waist to pull her closer. They're the same height so kissing is almost too easy, as if it was fated to be from the moment Nina first saw Lily's reflected image on the subway. None of it makes any sense, but Nina can't resist this, her brows drawing together in an expression of almost painful yearning as Lily deepens the kiss and their tongues entwine. God, oh God, if she could die right now and never have to stop…

Lily pulls away first, both of them panting and disheveled. She brushes a fingertip over Nina's jaw, the way she did at the club when the drug kicked in. "_This_ is real, Nina. This is you. Ecstasy doesn't make you into a different person; there are no swans, black or white. There's just you, Nina. It was you dancing out there; you were perfect all by yourself."

"But…" Nina can't find the words, gesturing to the two of them, still in each other's embrace with Lily's dark-lined eyes just inches away. Surely this is the work of the drug, this burning lust for another girl has to have chemical origins.

Lily chuckles and brushes another kiss across her lips, soft as a floating feather, and Nina moans helplessly at the heat that tender caress calls forth in her. "Just you," Lily whispers, and she still doesn't back off. Nina can't imagine why she isn't repulsed.

"I don't know…"

"I do. Nina, you had a guy sitting right next to you trying to get into your pants, and when you started to roll it was _me_ you turned to. You almost kissed me right there. You _did_ kiss me, on the dance floor, had your hands on my hips, dancing together and driving those boys wild. And then when you went home…"

"Stop," Nina pleads, but Lily won't.

She does, however, lean forward so the words are whispered against Nina's mouth. "You went home and fantasized about me, imagined your hands were mine, brought yourself off thinking of me. You want me, Nina. It's okay to admit it. Ask your therapist; there's nothing wrong with liking girls."

Nina flinches a little from how casually Lily mentions the therapist. It may be the smartest thing she's ever done, it may be helping her tremendously, but there's still a sense of shame that she ever needed a shrink. Then again, lots of things seem to be causing her shame lately.

She wants to say something else, or maybe just kiss Lily again, but right then the dressing room door opens. Veronica leans in to say something; her mouth drops into a shocked O and her light blue eyes look even more startled than usual as she takes in the scene. Nina has no idea what to do, her panicked mind trying to explain this somehow, but Lily just turns toward Veronica with insolent casualness. She doesn't pull away, doesn't relinquish the hand wound in Nina's hair. "Ever hear of knocking?" she says lazily, and Veronica retreats like she's been yanked out, slamming the door behind her.

Nina cannot believe that just happened, and Lily sighs heavily as she finally takes a step away. "Well, there goes my reputation," the younger girl says with a fatalistic shrug. "You can tell them I pushed you up against the wall, that you didn't want to. You can say you're glad Veronica stopped me. That might spare you."

"But it didn't happen that way," Nina protests faintly, trying to force her mind to work around both the shock and the heat blossoming in her belly. Her lips feel bruised, her chest aches, her pulse throbs between her thighs, and the majority of her just wants to pull Lily back for another kiss, and another, and another.

"Yeah, I know," Lily chuckles. "You can tell them that, though, and they'll believe it. I'm the newcomer, _and_ I'm from California. They halfway expect me to be some kind of deviant."

"I don't want to lie," Nina says, and when Lily looks at her appraisingly she blushes again. Those eyes are so knowing, like she sees into Nina's soul.

"Then tell the truth, but don't shrink from it. Yeah, we kissed. What's it to them? None of their damn business."

That bald statement speaks to a courage Nina wishes she possessed. But she's had enough confusion over what's real and what's false that she can no longer afford to lie, even over something like this. How long would it be before she began to believe the fiction? "It really isn't their business," she says, and is surprised by the glow of satisfaction within her.

"All right then," Lily says decisively, with an approving grin.

She turns to go, but Nina still has a question, if she can work out how to phrase it. "Lily…"

"Yes?"

"What about…?" Again that gesture that encompasses everything that just happened, but it seems like not enough. Even without the slightest hint of condemnation from Lily, Nina still can't bring herself to speak plainly about what's going on between them, and she has to settle for saying, "What about … us?"

For a long moment Lily simply regards her with a serious expression. "Nina, don't take this the wrong way, but you're not up to having a relationship with anyone right now. Especially not with me. Trust me on that, okay? You have to get your own shit straightened out before you can start dealing with someone else's."

"Oh." It's a polite rejection, but still rejection, and Nina casts her eyes downward. Honestly, what was she thinking? That a kiss to calm her hysteria meant they were dating or something? This is Lily, she's made no secret of her promiscuity, and the kiss probably meant nothing to her. Not like it was for Nina, for whom Lily is only the fourth person she's ever kissed, and that's counting a dare in the third grade.

"Hey now." Lily comes closer again, slips two fingers under Nina's chin and tilts her face up. Those fierce eyes can be gentle, when Lily wants. "We're friends, Nina. That's enough for now. Anything else … we'll see." And on that hopeful note – what exactly she's hoping for, Nina still isn't quite sure – Lily makes her exit.


	11. Teaching

The following days go exactly as Lily expected. The other soloists, who had been warming to her, give her the cold shoulder. All she gets from them are abruptly halted conversations and icy stares. It's a little surprising in a city the size of New York, but then, she upset the status quo here. It's one thing for a soloist to seek the director's favor, but affairs between dancers are apparently taboo. Between the star of the show and her alternate, who should be bitter rivals? That's crossed the line from scandal to outrage. Whatever, Lily has no intention of letting their prejudices bother her. Although when Veronica makes a few too many catty remarks, she decides to put a stop to it.

It happens as Lily is freshening her makeup after rehearsal. Veronica stage-whispers for everyone to hear, something snide about how she's surprised Lily isn't sharing the star's quarters. After all, they're so – and a heavy pause – _close_ these days. Part of the reason Lily acts then is because it's so damn trite; really, you'd think she could come up with better lines.

Before Veronica can finish smirking at her own stale wit, Lily has crossed the space between them. The other girl turns in her seat, eyes startled, expecting some kind of physical retaliation: a slap across the face, perhaps, or a full-on hair-pulling fight. Lily has no intention of playing to expectations, though.

She leans down, palms on the counter to either side of Veronica, trapping the blue-eyed girl between her arms. Of course Veronica flinches back, but there's nowhere to go, and Lily gets right in her face, violating her personal space. "What's the matter, Veronica? Jealous?" Lily purrs from inches away. Now they have everyone's attention.

"N-no. Of course not!" The face Veronica makes is priceless, and it's all Lily can do not to burst out laughing. Jesus, she's pathetic!

"Then why make such a big deal about it? I mean, you've been with the company for years. You had your chance, if you wanted to kiss her. Too late now." Lily can hear the shocked gasps from everyone else, see Veronica's startling eyes widen even further. Time to twist the knife just a little. "Honestly, though, I think she's too good for you. So am I, come to think of it. So knock off the sour grapes act already. It's too transparent."

With that she leaves, never having laid so much as a fingertip on Veronica, no threat or action that can come back to haunt her later. Lily's good at not playing other people's games. It's a skill she learned very early, one she's never had cause to regret.

If the other dancers are trying to freeze her out, Nina is letting her in, showing a level of trust that's just a little frightening. They warm up together every morning, doing stretches in front of the mirror at Lily's apartment.

After the first time Nina hesitantly corrects Lily's form and isn't rebuffed, she starts to offer her expertise more freely. Sometimes Nina can explain something in a different way than the ballet mistress, and her distilled knowledge helps Lily perfect her form. She thinks Nina will still have a career long after she's off the stage; she has a natural gift for teaching, one that's never had a chance for expression 'til now. When Lily tells her so, Nina just looks down demurely. Someday maybe she'll learn to accept a compliment without blushing and feeling unworthy.

Meanwhile, Lily has a few things to teach her. When Nina makes a mistake in the studio, no matter how minor, she gets tense and wary-eyed. It's not from fear of Thomas' wrath, though he is demanding as ever. Even when she's practicing alone in front of a mirror, Nina holds herself to the same rigid standards. Any deviation from perfection makes her grit her teeth and strive harder.

Lily, on the other hand, laughs at her own mistakes and moves on. One day as Nina is trying for the perfect _fouette_, staring down her reflection as if threatening it, Lily comes up behind her and watches. Nina's not quite extending her leg enough, and the motion is becoming increasingly jerky instead of smoother. Lily waits for Nina to notice her, and then deliberately crosses her eyes and sticks out her tongue, making a ridiculous face.

Nina laughs, almost unwillingly, and drops back down from _pointe_. "C'mon, Lily, I have to nail this."

"Do me a favor first," Lily says.

"Yes?" Nina sounds irritable; she's _intense_ about dance in a way Lily has never been, and challenging her here is the quickest way to get a flash of her stronger side.

"Do it wrong."

"What?" The concept is alien to Nina, her eyes wide, as if she were a nun and Lily just asked her to turn the crucifix upside down and sing the hymns backward.

"Do it flat-footed, drag your leg behind the motion, don't turn your head in time. Whichever, just do it wrong on purpose."

"Why? Why practice bad form?"

"You're not practicing it, you're doing it once."

"That's ridiculous."

"That's the point. Nina, you push too hard. Relax, do it sloppy and silly one time, for me. And make a funny face when you do. C'mon, trust me."

Nina looks skeptical and sullen, but there's only the two of them to see, so she does it. Deliberately screwing up the move is hard for her, but she's much more fluid, more natural. "There. Satisfied?"

"You forgot to make a funny face." Lily crosses her arms, relishing this a little. There's one thing she can do better than Nina, and that's recover from failure. It's a more important life skill, in her opinion, than anything else she's learned in dance.

"_Lily!_ I didn't think you were serious."

"Serious as a heart attack. Do it again, Nina. Fuck it up and laugh at it. C'mon, just for me – it'll do you good. And I'll never tell anyone that the perfect princess ballerina made a mistake, I promise."

That last gets her a black look from Nina, but the older girl sighs angrily and sets up again. She whips through the corrupted _fouette_ with one eye squinted shut and her lips twisted into a crazy scowl, and freezes in a sloppy version of the finishing pose. What she sees in the mirror then is patently ridiculous, not even a weak attempt at the move but a bastardization of it. And it makes her laugh at the sheer absurdity of it.

"Good," Lily says while she's still chuckling, "now do it for real."

Nina gives a tiny shake of her head as she rises _en pointe_, then performs the move with a smile still curving her lips. To her evident surprise, it's flawless this time, as good as she's ever been by practicing for hours. She blinks in amazement at the change.

Lily sidles up behind her, grinning. "See? No one is perfect all the time, Nina. But worrying about screwing up makes you more likely to make mistakes. You want to dance more fluidly, like me? Just relax, have a sense of humor. Make a mistake, laugh it off, and do it again. This is _ballet_, Nina, not brain surgery. No one dies if you don't nail a routine on the first try."


	12. Sharing

There are other things to teach as well. What Nina needs most is to relax, to de-stress, and it will take more than a little laughter to cure her tension. Knowing it's risky, Lily offers to trade shoulder massages with her. At first Nina is even more tense under Lily's hands, but she's planned this well, and the combination of soft ambient music and dim lighting soon begins to calm her. Eventually Nina is blissed out, eyes half-closed, and Lily knows if she wanted to seduce her, she could. Nina's desire for her is almost palpable, and she's so trusting and open right now that it would take only a little encouragement for her to offer herself body, heart, and soul.

A part of Lily does want to. Nina wouldn't be her first girlfriend, and she _is_ attractive in a haunting way. But that's not right for Nina, not now. Not yet. Lily knows these things all too well. Right now it would be taking advantage, and that's something she will never, ever do. So instead of leaning down and kissing Nina's neck, Lily drops onto the sofa bed beside her and says, "My turn."

Nina needs some time; she's never given a massage before, and up until now received only therapeutic ones. It takes a bit of coaching for her to understand the difference. This is all about relaxation, about softening the muscle and soothing away tension. Soon enough Lily is sighing restfully, almost drifting off to sleep sitting there.

Trading massages becomes part of their routine in the week leading up to Nina's performance. Lily introduces Nina to the joys of a good foot rub, too; dancers' feet can easily get sore, but massage helps there too. The first time Nina does it for her though, working over the arch of her foot where an ache has started, Lily groans in relief. She doesn't think about how she sounds until she realizes Nina has stopped suddenly, but before she can speak Nina goes back to soothing away the pain. It's not as if anything she can say will help; admitting that she makes those same sounds in bed will just feed Nina's imagination, and denying it would be a lie.

Lily doesn't lie to Nina. She understands the need for truth; once upon a time she had similar needs, and she was fortunate enough to find people who could fulfill them. What she's doing with Nina now is a way of paying forward the debt she owes.

Beyond that, she's growing fond of Nina, glad of her quiet presence in the apartment. Even when Nina gets her paycheck, they don't bother to look at ads, instead working out a percentage of the rent and utilities that Nina will pay. Lily helps Nina open new savings and checking accounts at her own bank, and it's Nina's idea to have the rent transferred directly to Lily's account on payday.

The current situation suits them both too well to consider changing it. Nina is an undemanding roommate, and if Lily finds her wild ways somewhat tamed by having someone else around, it's maybe about time she did. As her own therapist once told her, it was normal for young women in her position to go through a phase of promiscuity, of reveling in the power the exercise of their sexuality granted them. In the end most did form more permanent exclusive attachments, but so far Lily has been happy with her freedom.

Might it be Nina for whom she finally stops flitting like a hummingbird from one flower to the next? Swans mate for life, after all. Lily shakes off that thought as soon as it occurs to her. For one thing, she doesn't want to play into Nina's swan delusions. For another, it's far too soon to tell what their relationship will be. Nina has never been in love before, that much is obvious, and the confluence of awakening desire, friendly affection, and professional colleagueship is too heady a mixture to easily decipher.


	13. Help

**A/N: Anonymous reviewing is now enabled. Oops, I didn't realize it was disabled. Please feel free to comment and/or review, anonymous readers!**

…

The day finally comes: Friday, the first time Nina will take the stage since her suicide attempt. Everyone is keyed up, apprehension buzzing from one dancer to the next, and on to the stage crew and staff. It's as if everyone is asking themselves, will she fail again? Will we watch our hopes drown like the white swan?

Lily projects absolute confidence, and Nina can tell the younger girl is trying to shield her from the rest. But she can still feel the tension, taste the adrenaline in the air. "Relax," Lily murmurs to her in the dressing room, working the knots out of her shoulders. "You're amazing, Nina. You'll be fine. Just relax."

Nina takes a shuddering breath and lets it out, then clasps Lily's hand briefly. They both have to get ready; time is running out before the curtain rises. Lily leaves, and Nina puts on her makeup, her focus narrowing. The white swan is her best role, after all; she can dance virginal purity and tragic beauty almost in her sleep.

And when she takes the stage, it's like coming home, sliding effortlessly into the role. _I am the Swan Queen,_ Nina thinks, and each lift from her partner makes her feel as though she could soar away on broad white wings. It's glorious, beautiful, _perfect_.

Until it ends, and backstage Nina has to face the costume change, the role she dreads. Phantom pain lances through her stomach where the shard of mirror sliced; what if she's not strong enough, what if only that darker side of herself can dance this role, and by trying to merge the two she's destroyed her ability to dance like the wild swan? They _should_ have let Lily dance this role, it's as natural to her as the white swan is to Nina, and never mind that the two roles are traditionally done by the same dancer. She and Lily look enough alike, same hair, same build, that it suits the story. After all, Rothbar's daughter and the princess merely need to be believably mistaken for each other, and Nina and Lily do have that much of a resemblance.

At that moment, Lily slips into her dressing room. The door is never locked, and she knows she's always welcome here – the incident with Veronica keeps the others out. Lily is beaming with congratulations, but Nina falls on her in a panic, hugging her close for comfort. "Oh God, oh God, Lily I can't, I can't do this, not in front of an audience, I can't dance the way I'm supposed to. Please, please, do it for me, dance the black swan, please, I need your help."

"Nina," Lily tries to interject, but Nina tightens her arms around her friend's neck with a sob, still pleading for help. Perhaps way down deep a part of her is hoping Lily will decide to inspire her for the role, but that's a mere flicker of thought beneath an ocean of panic. Nina's drowning, and Lily is her life preserver.

She feels the younger girl stiffen, but doesn't understand why until Lily shoves her roughly away. "Jesus, Nina, knock it off! You know you can do this, you've done it in rehearsals for a week."

Nina only stares in uncomprehending surprise. This wasn't what she expected; Lily has been so patient, so kind, so understanding. Now there's none of that, fury blazing in her expression.

"You know what? Your only problem with this role is that you're too chicken-shit for it, Nina. You're terrified that if you admit that the black swan is part of you, too, you won't be able to stay safe in your ivory tower." Lily yanks the dress off the rack; giving Nina a look so full of bitter contempt that it takes her breath away. "Fine, I'll dance it for you. Just remember I have no respect for fools and cowards."

With that she storms out, seeming to take all the oxygen with her. Nina can't breathe, her eyes staring wide at the door that slammed behind Lily. The connection that was building between them, friendship with the promise of something more, now feels like absolute idiocy. How could she have trusted Lily even for a moment? How could she have wanted Lily, yearned for her touch?

Betrayal summons anger, and Nina strides to the door only seconds behind Lily, flinging it open so that it bangs against the wall. The other soloists stare, but Nina has no time for them. There's Lily, insolently strolling to her dressing table with the costume over her shoulder, and Nina's vision seems to go red.

"Lily…" one of the girls starts to warn, but Nina's there, snatching the dress away violently enough that it spins Lily around. And then shoving her roughly, so Lily thumps against the wall behind her.

"Touch me again and I'll kill you," Nina growls, then whirls on her heel. She has even less time now, and must rush into the dress and makeup. But when she takes the stage, it's with the black swan's anger suffusing her. And not just at Lily. How dare they all whisper behind her back, how dare they assume she'll fail! She's the Swan Queen, she's the star of the show, she's the best damn dancer here.

This time she dances to prove herself, to show them all. That arrogant wrath translates well into sensuality; Nina conquers the prince and the audience, every move seductive, drawing them under her power. When it's over, the applause is thunderous, and she runs backstage with her head held high and pride blazing in her eyes.

Back in her dressing room, taking off the intimidating makeup, Nina begins to calm down from the towering rage she'd felt. She has to; her final dance is the white swan, and she cannot allow a single flicker of anger or lust to show. What she needs is sorrow and acceptance, so she deliberately turns her mind away from Lily's betrayal.

Instead Nina thinks of how she's felt in the past few weeks, how warm and safe … and yes, loved. The pain of that realization makes her gasp, choking back a sob. Dear God, Lily is her first love, _Lily_ of all people, and to have been so brutally wrong about the younger girl gives her exactly the mix of grief and acquiescence she needs to dance the white swan's death.

When she leaps at the end, Nina does so with tragic finality. Despair has swept her away, but at least she has the comfort of knowing that this is her finest performance yet. She only wishes that she hadn't come to care for Lily before seeing her true nature, hadn't trusted so much to someone so unworthy.

After the final bow, when Thomas leans in to kiss her cheek, Nina turns her face and lets him kiss her lips instead. Maybe it would have been wiser all along to trust in her mentor, to yield to someone with more experience and maturity. He seems surprised by the gesture but doesn't comment. The other girls, meanwhile, draw back out of her way as she retreats to her dressing room, already thinking she'll have to find another place to stay.

Nina is half-undressed when she smells cigarette smoke, and she freezes. "Lily?" she says, immediately hating the querulous tone. She makes her voice firmer as she continues, "Lily, if that's you, get out."

The bathroom door opens, and Lily strolls out, cigarette between her lips. She takes a long drag, watching Nina in the mirror, then says quietly, "I'll leave if you want me to, but first let me say something to you. Okay?"

"Fine," Nina replies coldly, shrugging out of the white leotard.

"That was the best you've ever done, even better than opening night."

"Flattery won't help you now."

"That's not my point. The point is, you asked me for help, and I gave it to you. Maybe it wasn't the help you were expecting, but you danced angry and it was perfect."

Nina freezes in the middle of putting her sweater back on. She hadn't thought of it quite that way, but it's true. She'd been hysterical, pleading for Lily to dance in her place, but those vicious words had awakened her black swan side and enabled her to turn in a performance that's as good as any she's ever seen.

Still, Lily hurt her. Nina's not inclined to forgive that easily, not with the memory of the black swan's power in the forefront of her mind. "So what you're saying is, you weren't actually calling me names to be cruel, you were just manipulating my feelings so I'd dance better. Nice. Why were you so nasty to Thomas, then, if you're going to act just like him?"

Lily doesn't even flinch at the comparison. "He does whatever he wants with his dancers, whether they want him to or not. You asked me, _begged_ me, to help you. That's the difference. That, and I'll admit afterward that I manipulated you. I did it for your sake, Nina, because you asked me to, and for mine, because I don't want this role. I don't want things between us to be all about rivalry, the star and her alternate stabbing each other in the back."

That sounds … honest, in a strange way, almost too honest. For the first time Nina wonders if maybe she shouldn't have asked Lily to be absolutely frank with her. Perhaps Lily already lacks the ability to speak the ordinary white lies people tell themselves and each other, already sees the ugly truth about most of the world, and by asking for even more candor than that Nina has opened Pandora's box.

But if she's abiding by her promise to tell the truth, then everything Lily said before is cruelly true. Nina can't help asking, even though doing so feels a lot like probing an open wound. "You promised never to lie to me. So what you said earlier, that's how you feel?"

"Not exactly," Lily says, approaching her. They're still looking at each other's reflections instead of facing one another, so when Lily touches her it's a careful hand on her shoulder. "You _are_ afraid, Nina, and it _is_ your only real problem with the role. You're scared of who you might become if you let your dark side out to play. Ask your therapist about Jungian archetypes and facing your shadow-self; you'll see it's not as bad as you think. Fear itself is always the worst part; actually doing something is never as hard as worrying about how awful it'll be."

Amazing, that she could be so furious and heartbroken such a short time ago, and now she's actually considering forgiving Lily. Except for one thing. "What about fools and cowards?"

"I don't respect them. Never have, never will. But you're neither, Nina."

She can't help shuddering. "I _am_ a coward, Lily. I'm afraid of everything, I was even afraid to open a stupid bank account by myself…"

Lily starts to rub her back, gently and reassuringly. "You're not, Nina, you're not. You were scared then but you did it anyway. You were scared to dance tonight, borderline hysterical, but you did and you were fantastic. You know what that's called, when you're afraid and you don't let it stop you? Courage."

The concept astounds Nina. She always thought courage was more akin to fearlessness, but Lily's definition makes sense. While she's absorbing that, Lily drops a gentle kiss atop her shoulder. "It's one of the things I admire most about you, Nina. You have a lot to work on, but you haven't given up."

"Sometimes I wish I could," Nina whispers.

"You'll be glad you didn't," Lily tells her. "Trust me, I know."

"That's the thing," Nina says. "How am I supposed to trust you, after this?" It's no longer an accusation, more of an honest question.

Lily rests her chin on Nina's shoulder, still watching her face in the mirror. "You already do, or we wouldn't be having this conversation," she points out. "Besides, what I did today won't work again. You'll be watching for it. So there's no point in doing it."

"That's twice you've tricked me into dancing better than I would have," Nina remarks. "You'll just come up with another way. And I don't like being tricked."

Lily shrugs. "Then I'll figure out some other way to get you in character. I bet, between the two of us, we can come up with something."

The black swan side of Nina has several ideas, starting with Lily's clothes scattered across the floor, but she strangles that thought and shoves it aside. "Why? Lily, why are you helping me?"

"Because I can," is the only answer Lily will give her.


	14. Exception

**A/N: Okay, I'm a total massage freak, as you may have guessed (and if not, you will by the end of this). But what better way to get their hands on each other? This is another introspective chapter without a lot of dialogue. The interaction between them should speak for itself.**

…

Later, back at Lily's apartment, she can tell Nina is still brooding. If only she didn't make all of this so difficult; Nina's got more hang-ups to work around than Lily ever imagined. For a few minutes she considers the most obvious solution, but no. It's still too early for seduction, and especially not when Nina is half expecting another betrayal. Funny how that thought keeps cropping up in her mind, though.

Lily chuckles at herself. Denial isn't her thing, so she admits it to herself: she's definitely attracted to Nina. Whatever this is between them, it's damn near magnetic. Lily sees the way Nina is drawn to her, the lingering looks, the half-stifled sighs. She's fairly certain Nina hasn't caught on to her own sidelong glances. Hell, Nina has no way to know just how much Lily has yielded for her sake.

She can't possibly know how important it is that she's staying here, how reluctant Lily usually is to share her space. Lily hasn't had a roommate in years, living in tiny apartments with peeling plaster at times rather than have someone else in her home. Even this place has its drawbacks, interior doors that won't latch and only three rooms, but it's the best she can afford on her own. Freedom is important to Lily, the freedom to come and go as she pleases, to stay somewhere else for a couple of nights if she wants without anyone questioning her.

But with Nina, it's somehow okay. Not that it isn't a surprise, coming home each day to company, and it's occasionally an annoyance having to share the single bathroom when they're both trying to get ready in the mornings. Still, Lily doesn't feel fettered the way she used to when finances forced her to live with roommates. Maybe it's because Nina barely makes herself known most of the time, having less impact than a ghost haunting the apartment.

That thought sends a chill down Lily's spine. Nina came all too close to death for it to be a comfortable comparison. Whenever worries like that surface, Lily finds herself checking on Nina.

The older girl is watching television while curled up on the sofa bed, which these days nearly always stays opened out. She has one of those incredible classic faces that are beautiful without makeup, in bad light, whatever. Lily smiles to see her there; the first couple days, she wouldn't turn on the TV without asking Lily's permission. Now she's growing more comfortable, though she's still considerate, keeping the volume turned low and the closed-captioning on.

Lily drops onto the other end of the bed, not too close, and turns toward Nina. "Gimme your feet, ballerina," she says, patting her knee. Nina complies without hesitation; maybe the trust between them hasn't suffered as much as she thought.

Dancer's feet would never excite a foot fetishist. You have to be a dancer to appreciate the work and skill behind the calluses, bruises, and abrasions. Lily has some foot lotion with juniper extract, very invigorating stuff, and slathers it on Nina's feet. For whatever reason, Nina's are in worse shape than her own – maybe because of the couple years' difference in their ages, maybe because Nina practices more obsessively, maybe because she just doesn't think to take care of herself, instead choosing to suffer nobly for her art.

Lily works her way up to Nina's ankle and feels the strong calf muscle tense. Ah, so Nina is still wary. She has no intention of going higher, though, and only pauses there to take the pressure off the Achilles tendon. It's her favorite part of a foot massage, an incredibly weird yet incredibly good feeling, and Nina leans back in utter abandon, her eyes sliding closed. Then it's back to rubbing the sole and rotating her ankle, relaxing all the myriad joints.

Once both of Nina's feet are done, Lily props hers up with a charming grin. Nina takes the trade without a word, and soon it's Lily's turn to sigh and turn into jello. Her eyelids start to flutter as Nina eases the tape off her toes, her touch so gentle it barely registers.

Only then does Lily think of how symbolic these foot rubs really are. None of her lovers have ever touched her feet. That one guy who wanted to suck her toes, she got rid of him without ever taking her shoes off in his presence. It's not that she's ashamed of her feet, since every bump and break was honestly gotten in the line of duty. More like the fact that she's always been unwilling to share the less perfect parts of herself.

The rest of her body is great, and she knows it – trim tummy, nice rack, sexy ass, and of course _killer_ legs. Her feet are the only part that could ever be called ugly, the only thing she hides, keeping them concealed in stiletto-heeled boots even when the rest of her is on display.

Her first dance instructor was the one who taught her about massage, and Lily's startled to realize that she's only ever let a few people do this for her. Usually other dancers she was close with, and back home that's way more common than here. New York dancers are a competitive bunch, nothing like the company she'd left, where everyone was like family. A squabbling family, sometimes, but nowhere near as vicious as these girls.

Nina is the only exception to that, as she seems to be in many things. Just as Lily realizes that, Nina slides one hand up to her ankle. "How did you do that?" she asks.

Lily answers her with a grin, knowing what's coming. She's missed this since California. "Thumb on the outside, first knuckle on the inside. There's a pressure point in there behind the tendon and just below the point of the anklebone. Just press hard and kinda squeeze… _Ohhh_…"

She hadn't known Nina had such strong hands, and Lily moans as the tension bleeds out of her entire leg. For a second she can feel Nina hesitating, maybe wondering if the sound is pleasure or pain, and Lily growls, "_Harder_," as she slides down to lie flat. It's suddenly too much effort to stay upright.

It _does_ hurt, just a little, but it's a pleasurable ache. Lily wears heels so often that her calf muscles tend to get tight, and this is the first time in too long that she's gotten a really deep massage. It feels heavenly, and when Nina switches to the other foot Lily lets out another throaty moan, not even caring how she sounds or how she looks, sprawling flat on her back beside Nina.

The older girl slides her hand up inside Lily's tights, kneading her calf, and Lily can only purr appreciatively. It occurs to her that this is perhaps the perfect way to regain Nina's trust, by demonstrating that she trusts Nina absolutely. The fact that she _does_ trust Nina that much, even knowing what she knows, would be a little scary if she weren't relaxed beyond the point of reacting.

Nina stops what she's doing, pausing for a moment. When she speaks, her voice is rough; the sound effects must have been getting to her. "Roll over."

Lily half-opens her eyes to see Nina's gaze searing her. She complies, stretching out on her stomach, and Nina rises to her knees as she starts to work her way up from Lily's feet to her shoulders. Oh hell, it's been way, way too long since she had a full massage, and even if this is Nina's excuse to get her hands on Lily's body, she doesn't mind. It feels too damn good to do more than murmur appreciation.


	15. Secret

**A/N: ****WARNING****: In this chapter we learn more about Lily's past, and it's not exactly pretty. Most people don't get to be as strong as she is without overcoming some serious challenges in life. I honestly did not want to do this to the character, but I've been following my muse for this entire story, and she insisted that this is what happened, and I should shut up and tell the damn tale already.**

**Definite potential triggers here, so be forewarned. You may wish to skip the section that begins with "Lily scoffs" and resume at "How can you dance the way you do?" **

…

As Nina rubs Lily's back, quietly glorying in the feel of soft skin and supple muscle under her hands, she feels an immense gratitude to the younger girl. It's the safest of the emotions currently brewing in her heart, so she focuses on that. Better to ignore the way Lily's sighs and groans make her feel, better not to think of the images that flicker through her mind.

Without Lily, she would still be at home, still dependent on her mother. With Lily, she manages her own money, pays a portion of the bills, behaves and is treated like an adult. Not to mention, her dancing is getting better, and the fragmented pieces of herself are re-joining into a stronger whole. Even today's seeming betrayal was really just another tactic to help her; Lily was willing to risk what seems like her only friendship in the city for Nina's success, and she can't deny that that's powerful.

She owes Lily so much, and the few things she's able to do for her seem paltry in comparison to the size of the debt. Thumbs stroking the points of Lily's shoulders, she murmurs, "I don't know how to repay you for everything you've done for me."

Lily shifts a little under her hands and mutters back in a sleep-husky voice, "Then don't. Pay it forward."

"Hmm?" Nina asks.

She has to stop the massage as Lily stretches her shoulders and props herself up on her elbows. The younger girl doesn't look at her as she explains. "I didn't help you because I wanted anything. If you do something for me, let it be because we're friends, not because you owe me. I don't like putting obligations on people anyway. So pay it forward instead. When you see someone in your situation, help them out."

Nina laughs, a soft and self-deprecating sound. "I don't think there are many people in my situation." There can't be; you just don't hear about ballerinas committing suicide in the middle of a show.

Lily scoffs. "One in four women suffers some kind of abuse in their life, Nina. We've got fifteen soloists; round up, so that means four of us, four people you know right now who've either been victimized or will be. Maybe not all of them have to cope with a skeevy director and a mom who ties the apron strings so tight they cut off circulation. Maybe some of them were slapped around by their boyfriends; maybe some of them were bullied by other kids in school. Maybe one of them had a couple of alcoholics for parents, and when Daddy wrapped his car around a tree drunk-driving, Mommy couldn't pay all the bills on her disability, so she had to bring someone home to keep the lights on and the liquor cabinet full. And maybe she was down to drinking NyQuil for a buzz by then, so she wasn't too picky about a guy with money in his pocket who was really, _really_ happy to be the stepdad of a nine-year-old girl."

Nina can feel the tension in Lily's shoulders, and she knows what she's just heard. "Oh, Lily," she whispers.

Those smoldering eyes finally turn to her, and there's no sadness in them, just a hard glint of determination. "Don't pity me," Lily all but snarls. "I'm not a victim anymore; I don't let what they did to me determine who I am. It's in the past, I'm living in the present. Fuck them, why should I give them so much power over me?"

She may not want pity, but if Nina can give her some comfort, she will. For a long moment she sits silently, her hand slipped down to the middle of Lily's back, and the two young women regard each other steadily. Then Lily begins to speak again, as if she still has the need to tell someone about it, as if this event that she insists is in her past isn't quite as buried as she claims.

"I did everything right, I told my guidance counselor, I talked to a social worker, and I got out of there. It took two years to get through the system – they don't like taking kids away from their parents if they can help it. My mom promised them she'd keep him away from me, but I hadn't been home three weeks when he came back with a fifth of whiskey and a big smile. She held me down for him, that time. The next day I let my dance instructor photograph the bruises on my thighs. That's what finally got me out. No one would give up and just keep quiet, least of all me."

"God," Nina whispers, shivering. She thought her life was hell, but it's heaven compared to what Lily went through.

"He wanted to buy my silence," Lily says softly. "He gave me presents all the time, but he expected to paid back. Touching at first, then more. A handjob for new clothes, a blowjob for a new stereo. He wanted sex, though, so he got me the ballet lessons I'd always wanted – fair trade, to him. I bet it pissed him off that his big bargaining chip was what finally put him in jail."

"How can you dance the way you do?" Nina asks. Unimaginable, the way Lily can speak so casually of such atrocities. "How can you love ballet, with that in your past? I don't know if I could ever look at _pointe_ shoes the same way."

Lily shrugs. "It was my dream. Why should I let the pervert ruin it for me? Yeah, I felt a little weird for a while, but I had a really good instructor. Him, I trusted, and he encouraged me to stick with ballet. It kind of helped that he was gayer than a prancing pink unicorn with rainbow stripes."

Amazing, how Lily can always make her laugh, even in the face of something like that. As Nina chuckles, Lily rolls onto her hip and sits up. This causes Nina's hand on her back to slide down over her side and onto her thigh. Lily makes no attempt to remove it, and neither does Nina. After practicing together and trading massages, they're comfortable with each other's bodies, and Lily has always been casual about all sorts of touching. Or so Nina tells herself, as her breath catches in her throat.

"I haven't told anyone that story, not since my therapist," Lily says thoughtfully.

"I won't tell anyone," Nina assures her.

"Never thought you would," Lily replies, reaching across Nina for her cigarettes.

She's close, so close her hair brushes against Nina's throat, and for a moment Nina's vision is obliterated by an image of herself kissing Lily, bearing her backwards on the thin mattress, kissing her and touching her and making her moan again. Nina gasps, trying to stifle the sound, and she's mostly successful.

Lily looks up at her, as if she knows exactly what Nina's thinking, but her mismatched eyes give away nothing. "Gimme a minute to recover and I'll return the favor," she purrs, lighting her cigarette, and Nina has to suppress a shiver. Why is it that everything Lily does drives her crazy? Even the way she smokes is sexy.

To keep from blowing smoke in Nina's face, Lily shifts around so she's not directly facing her. But still close, close enough for Nina to savor her nearness, to think about sliding her arm around Lily's waist and snuggling into her. She doesn't do it, holding herself near but unable to bridge that final gap.

Neither of them has been paying much attention to the television, which is playing a crime show. People in lab coats look very serious, people in uniforms look very frustrated, and Nina wonders what the attraction is in shows like this. There's always a victim somewhere, most of the shows start with a dead body and a hunt for a killer, much of the airtime is spent minutely examining the horrific details of the crime, and how morbid is that? Why focus on pain and destruction and death? "I don't know why people watch these," she murmurs.

"So they can feel safe and smug," Lily replies, taking the last drag off her cigarette. "Watching something like this, people think it can never happen to them. And they think they're smart enough to outwit the bad guy. C'mon, turn it off and lie down. It's your turn."

Nina does so with only a tiny shiver of apprehension, but her surrender to Lily seems forgone. From that first time in the studio, when Lily caught her crying and came to offer her a smoke and few minutes of understanding, she's been the only one Nina can really trust. Mommy tried to live through her, Thomas is using her, the other girls would cheerfully trip her on the way down the stairs if they could get away with it, and only Lily seems to care what Nina needs or wants.

She can feel the bed shift as Lily stubs out her cigarette, and then to her shock Lily straddles her thighs. Nina tenses, and Lily strokes her back gently. "Easy, Nina. I just need the leverage to line up straight." With that, Nina forces herself to relax. Wasn't she just thinking about how implicitly she trusts Lily?

Lily's hands glide over her back in long, smooth strokes, from her waist up to her shoulders, and then back down almost to her bottom. Nina wishes she had Lily's skill; she's using more than just her palms. Sometimes Nina can feel the heels of Lily's hands, sometimes her knuckles, sometimes even her fingertips, and each effect is different.

With the tips of her thumbs touching and her hands spread, Lily can span Nina's waist, and she leans her weight into the pressure as she slides them up to Nina's shoulders. Nina can't help picturing how they look, her lying facedown with her hair hiding her blush, Lily arched over her back close enough that she can feel the warmth of her skin. If Lily was a man, it would look frankly sexual … it probably looks sexual right now, Lily's hips flush against Nina's bottom. It certainly _feels_ sexual, even though Nina's almost certain Lily doesn't mean for it to.

Lily straightens back up, sliding both hands back down. Lower now than she's gone before, nudging the tights down to settle her left hand flat at the base of Nina's spine. Then Lily places the heel of her right hand above it, and slowly presses upward. Nina gasps, feeling each vertebral joint stretch just a little, a few of them making quiet pops as they settle into perfect alignment. At the end of it Lily's right hand is on the back of Nina's neck, and she's pressing both hands in opposite directions, stretching Nina's back.

Nina groans, the sound muffled by the blankets, but she sounds almost like Lily did a few moments ago. This isn't exactly comfortable – it actually hurts just a bit where Lily's hands are applying the pressure – but it feels so good at the same time. All Nina can think is that she wants more of this, would let Lily do anything she wanted as long as it felt like this in the end.

Lily releases the pressure and reverses her hands, doing it again. "This is why I had to be centered," she explains, sounding almost out of breath with effort. "I could really screw up your back if I twisted to one side."

"Uh-hunh." Nina's well beyond coherent speech, floating somewhere between turned on and half asleep. At the moment she's hoping Lily will seduce her, it won't take much, a caress, a kiss, if she could bring herself to speak of it she'd beg for Lily's hands in so many places.

But it's getting late, they have to be up early tomorrow, and they're on the stage tomorrow night. Lily stops the massage, but leans down one more time and kisses Nina's cheek. "See you in the morning, Nina. Sweet dreams."

That gets a little chuckle out of the older girl. Nina knows exactly what kind of dreams she'll be having tonight.


	16. Nightmare II

**A/N: This chapter begins with a nightmare of Lily's, so it may also be a little triggery. It's not as bad as the previous chapter, though, so if you got through that then this shouldn't be a problem.**

**Also, between the previous chapter and Lily's use of profanity, this story really should be rated M. When I get home from work tonight, it will be changed. This means the story will no longer show on the main page – fanfiction automatically shows you only those stories rated K through T. You have to ask for the M fic, every time.**

**What that means for you, dear readers, is that you should probably set up a Story Alert so you'll get email when I update. And if in doubt, just look for the M-rated Black Swan stories. **

…

It's the smell that gets to Lily, unwashed bedding and stale whiskey. That's how she knows where and when she is, and what she must do. She seems to be alone in the house, but that sour stench tells her that her mother is passed out drunk again, and _he'll_ be here somewhere, with his lying smile and his hungry eyes. Running's no good, if she fights he'll only hurt her, and the only option left is hiding. Lily runs, searching for the perfect place, somewhere he'll never look. She's already better at hiding than anyone at school; if her class plays hide and seek at recess, she always wins the game. Sometimes not even the teachers can find her, she's so good at tucking herself into places that look too tiny to conceal her.

Where can she hide here? All the best spots are gone, cabinets latched, doors locked. Lily starts to get frantic, hearing his footsteps, hearing him whistling a merry tune. She hates him, loathes him, if she was bigger she'd claw his eyes out and make him bleed like he made her bleed. But she's little, she doesn't stand a chance against him unless she can avoid him.

"Anna, Anna, I'm a fan-a, where could my Anna be…" he sings, and she hates the song. It's her middle name, the one no one uses; she's Lily, not Anna, and only he uses the wrong name. He calls her that when he picks her up and sits her on his lap, stroking her hair like she's some kind of pet.

Running faster, whimpering like a scared animal, but she has to be quiet to escape. Too late, she's made too much noise, and he has her, shaking her shoulder. Lily tells herself not to scream, it only makes him worse, don't scream and it won't be so bad, don't scream _don't scream_ _**don't scream**_…

She wakes up with a scream caught in her throat, making a noise like a teakettle about to explode, and it's Nina shaking her shoulders, Nina looming over her. Not him. "Lily, Lily, wake up, you're okay, you're safe. It's me, Lily, please, wake up."

For a long moment Lily stares at her in the dark, reassuring herself that this is real. This is Nina, her roommate, the one who's never questioned why Lily has four sets of sheets for her bed and changes them every other day, the one who's never seen her spritz the mattress with Febreze at each change of bedding, the one who doesn't know that Lily will drink beer and wine and vodka and all sorts of liqueurs, but won't touch whiskey or scotch or bourbon because the _smell_, dear God the smell makes her sick. Nina doesn't ask those kinds of questions, she hardly knows what's normal behavior herself.

Of course, Lily realizes, she shouldn't be surprised that her past came back to haunt her tonight. It's been years since she had a nightmare like that, but it's been more years since she told the story, or spoke of him at all. In her mind he has no name, when she must think of him specifically she calls him the Phredophile, a cruel taunting name that works to bolster her determination, like whistling past a graveyard.

In her sleep Lily had burrowed to the far side of the bed, pressing herself up against the wall, and Nina had to climb onto it to shake her awake. Now Nina sits beside her, stroking the hair out of her wild eyes with an expression of concern. "You all right?"

"Yeah," Lily whispers, feeling small and sad for the first time in a long time, and it shows in her voice. "I'm okay … sorry for waking you up…"

"It's nothing," Nina tells her, and her fingers are cool against Lily's hot brow. "I guess I should go…"

"No, stay," Lily pleads, catching her hand. She's never like this anymore, never weak; it's one of her life resolutions. Never say sorry, for how many times did he tell her he was sorry, only to hurt her again? Never put obligations on other people, for she won't ever allow anyone to make demands of her again, and it's only fair not to ask of them. And never show weakness, for weakness summons predators, and she will never be a victim again. _Never._

But this is Nina, this is different, Lily's seen Nina at her worst and weakest, she can let Nina see this side of herself. After a moment's hesitation the older girl slides in under the covers, snuggling up to Lily's back. Lily sighs and relaxes back against her, thinking it's lucky that the weather is still cool; when it gets warm she sleeps naked, and that would probably freak Nina out.

Nina wraps her arm around Lily's waist, and Lily places her hand atop Nina's, lacing their fingers together. She can feel Nina nuzzling in close, burying her face in Lily's hair, and it feels strangely comfortable. This is the girl, after all, who _told_ Lily she'd hallucinated murdering her; who after committing homicide in her own mind had danced like God's gift to ballet; who half the time acts like she'd ravish Lily on the spot with the slightest invitation, or maybe offer herself like a sacrifice to be ravished. At the very least, she's someone under psychiatric care, someone with major issues. How weird it is to find strength and safety in her arms.

As they fit themselves together like two spoons in a drawer, Nina sighing contentedly, Lily's last coherent thought before sleep reclaims her is that she could get very used to this.


	17. Morning

**A/N: Annnnnd we are officially M-rated. You'll see why.**

* * *

Nina wakes up bemused, in an unfamiliar bed with someone's warm body pressed against her, but somehow she knows it's all right. After a second she remembers Lily's nightmare, remembers her voice in the night pleading with Nina to stay. And stay she did, neither of them moving all night long, Nina still snuggled close against Lily's back and Lily still tucked into the space along the wall.

Only now, with Nina awake and Lily still sleeping, do certain things register. Such as the fact that while Nina sleeps in pajamas, covered from neck to wrists to ankles, Lily sleeps in just a tank top and a pair of panties. There's an incredible amount of skin bared to Nina's touch; if she let her hands wander she could…

She shouldn't, she knows. Lily's _asleep_, and it's not fair to take advantage of her; it's probably the worst thing she could do to someone who's been hurt the way Lily has. But Nina's hand is already on her midriff, and she can't quite help making small, tentative circles with her fingertips. God, Lily is so warm, so soft… Nina nuzzles her shoulder, finds bare skin under her lips, and kisses her there lightly. She trembles thinking of what she'd like to do to Lily, what she'd like Lily to do to her. In the early morning light those things don't seem frightening or wicked. Instead, it feels natural to want this, like giving in to gravity after a leap and letting it carry her back down.

Nina's still stroking Lily's belly, feeling the muscles there move easily with Lily's breath. The tank top has ridden up in the night, and the panties are low-cut black lace, giving Nina quite an expanse to explore. Lily's hair is incredibly soft, tickling Nina's face with each breath. After a while she glides her hand over to Lily's side, surprised that the curve of the younger girl's waist matches the natural curve of her hand so exactly. Softly, oh so softly, she kisses the back of Lily's neck.

It's then that Lily stirs with a sleepy mumble, and Nina freezes. What an idiot she's being; Lily only wanted comfort last night, and now Nina's trying to grope her. She turns her face away and starts to lift her hand off Lily's smooth flank.

"You don't have to stop," Lily murmurs.

For a long moment Nina just holds still, leaving her hand where it is, her heart racing. "You're awake."

"I was awake before you were. I just didn't feel like getting up yet." She shifts her body, angling her hip into Nina's hand. "Don't stop. Unless you want to."

For a single instant Nina doesn't know what to do, how to react. And then her hand moves of its own accord, fingers wrapping around Lily's hipbone and pulling her back, tight against Nina's own belly. Lily purrs, arching her back, and that bares more of her neck to Nina's kisses. Meanwhile Nina's hand is restlessly exploring Lily's body, the planes of her stomach, up to the ridges of her ribs, grazing the swell of her breast and provoking a sigh.

All of this, all of this, is hers to caress, lingering wherever Lily murmurs encouragement. Their bodies move against each other, the heat between them making Nina half-mad with hunger. Her hand is under the tank top, bolder now, and Lily leans back against her with a throaty purr. Then Nina slides her hand downward, tracing lightly defined abs, the flare of Lily's hip, and the sleek muscle of her thigh.

Lily opens her hips, changing the angle of her legs, turning her face further into the pillow to do it. Her hair slides across her neck and her throat is bared, Nina's hand is almost at her knee, and Nina half-rises to one elbow. All she means to do is stroke down the outside of Lily's leg again, and kiss the sensitive side of her neck.

What actually happens, though, is that the black swan has already taken control, so gently that Nina doesn't even realize it. Not until she runs her fingers down the _inside_ of Lily's thigh, and the tips of her nails trail lightly along responsive skin. At the same time the kiss she meant to bestow somehow involves teeth, and Nina's tongue licking Lily's skin, and oh dear God she even _tastes_ good. At that, raw lust overwhelms her. Nina's hand flexes and her nails scrape as she bites down hard on Lily's neck.

A shuddering, stuttering cry breaks from Lily's throat, her hips bucking, and Nina jerks backward. Clawing, biting, what the _hell_ is she doing? There's an angry hiss in her mind, the black swan denied, and Nina furiously shoves that creature away. "Oh, God, Lily, I'm sorry…"

"You should be," Lily snaps, rolling over, but the look on her face is frustrated desire, not outrage. "Jesus, Nina, don't do that unless you're going to follow through! I'm usually the tease but even I don't…" Halfway through the sentence she finally sees Nina's mortified expression and shuts up.

"You called out … I thought I hurt you…" Nina says, trailing off. It's insane, but Lily actually seems to be angry that she _stopped_, not for what she did.

"Hurt me? Goddamn, Nina." Lily flops onto her back, raking her hands through her hair with an explosive sigh. "Okay, yeah, that was a bit rough, but sometimes I like a little pain in my pleasure. Fuck, another minute of that and I could've…"

Nina stomach does a slow flip. "You could've…?" she asks tentatively, not sure if she wants to know the answer.

Lily glares at her, then closes her eyes and sighs again, resignedly this time. "I could've come, Nina, you had me wet before you even knew I was awake, and if you think _that_ was loud, you'll need earplugs when we fuck."

She says _when_, not _if_, and both of them notice it at the same time. That, as much as her brazen words, sets Nina afire. It's her turn to shiver, yearning to just reach out and do what both of them want, but she's afraid her black swan side will rise up and take over again. She _did_ hurt Lily, she can see the side of her neck beginning to redden, and she's afraid of what she might do if she let that part of herself have free reign. All she can do is freeze in place, not running away this time, but still unable to make a move forward.

"Fuck it. I'm getting a shower. If I lie here another second smelling sex in the air and feeling you beside me, I'll…" Lily never finishes the sentence, instead scrambling out from under the sheets and over Nina on her way out of the room.

That leaves Nina to lie on her back in Lily's bed, hands pressed to her face. And now that she mentioned it, she _can_ smell sex: a hint of salt, a little musk, and something that smells the way Lily's skin tasted. It's not just Lily; Nina's all too aware of the heat pooling low in her belly, the slickness between her thighs. The craving is powerful, monstrous even; she wants to follow Lily into the shower, be there when her clothes come off, and mark all of that perfect California-tanned skin as _hers_. She recognizes the black swan's impulse, and growls in frustration. _Shut up, go away, you ruin everything!_

A mocking reply floats out of the dark depths of her mind. _Idiot girl, if not for me you'd never have the guts to touch her. You're weak, and she despises weakness – it's me she's drawn to, it's me she wants, and it's me who'll have her if you'll only stay out of my way. But I'll let you watch…_

Right about then Nina realizes she's having a conversation with herself, and silences it. At least it wasn't out loud.


	18. Seducers

**A/N: Thank you all for the lovely reviews. IAmNotTheWalrus and mario901 are always especially awesome, but all of you are wonderfully inspiring. Even if you just have time to say 'good work', I appreciate that! Oh, and I must say that the anonymous reviewer who referred to Lily's "wild gentleness" made me squee. That's an awesome phrase to describe the character – she's tender when she wants to be but never quite tame. Well said.**

…

What Lily _wants_ to do is stand under a spray of water almost too hot to bear, slip her hand between her thighs, and finish what Nina started. It would be easy: just think of Nina, amazed, rapt, a little rough from both inexperience and excitement. Nina's hands, Nina's mouth, Nina's lean strong body cradling her own.

There's only one problem with that: Nina will almost certainly hear her. The air ducts carry sound surprisingly well, and there's one right above the shower. For an instant Lily wants her to hear, wants to make the statement as blatant as she can: _this is what you do to me, this is what I want from you_. It might get Nina in here if she did.

But no, it wouldn't be right. Nina still can't bring herself to say that she wants to, and Lily has issues with that. What just happened between them was an implicit admission, but Lily needs it to be explicit. Anything else feels a little too much like taking advantage, and she doesn't do that. Ever.

All she needs to hear is one concrete 'I want you' or even just a 'yes'. Nina's never given her either, and body language doesn't count. Lily has to hear the actual words, to know that Nina's not deluding herself, that it's Nina speaking with her whole mind and not just that fragmented part of herself.

Lily sets the water colder than usual and steps in, gritting her teeth against the chill. At least it takes her mind off wanting Nina, so she can get back to helping Nina. She's got one idea in mind to inspire the older girl's performance tonight, and as the shower spray hits her neck and provokes a hiss of pain, she thinks of another.

The rest of that morning runs like any other, neither of them talking about it. To Lily's surprise, Nina's not shy and awkward like she expected. After a few moments of watching Lily and realizing that the status quo hasn't really changed, she settles back into normal behavior. Well, normal for her anyway.

At the studio they warm up lightly; they're on the stage tonight for Swan Lake, and then they'll have a few days of just practice before the next show. There's something playing each night, it's the only way to keep the company solvent, but the big productions are on the weekends. Those are the roles the soloists compete for. The rest of the company handles the minor stuff.

Thomas seems lost in thought, asking Nina for her black swan. It's not her best, but it's more fluid than usual. Thomas nods approvingly, then asks Lily for the same piece. Aware of Nina's eyes on her, she holds nothing back. Compromising her dancing to make Nina look better would be an act of contempt, as if Nina isn't a worthy competitor, and Lily won't do that. Nina would never dance less than her best, she's damn near physically incapable of holding back the pursuit of perfection, and the beauty of their specific kind of rivalry is that they encourage each other toward excellence by their competition.

At the end, Thomas claps his hands once. "Good, very good. All of you are in acceptable form. Go, rest, I will see you all tonight." His mind is clearly elsewhere, and as they start to file out, he adds, "Lily, a moment?" It's phrased as a request but they all know it isn't, not really. Nina catches her gaze, worried, but Lily gives her a quick grin and shrug to let her know it's going to be okay.

Once everyone else is gone Thomas approaches Lily with a keen, critical light in his eyes, circling her. Lily waits, refusing to turn with him as he stalks around her. "Your style has always been superb, Lily. At times your form has been lacking, but I see a great deal of improvement today." He stops, meeting her eyes. "You have learned some things from Nina, I understand?"

No reason to lie, and Lily usually tells the truth, anyway. "She's been teaching me," she replies coolly as Thomas starts to circle her again.

He stops behind her, and brushes his fingertips lightly against her neck. Lily covered the mark with concealer, the stage-grade stuff that won't come off when she dances, but her skin is still raised in exactly the pattern of Nina's teeth, and this close Thomas can see that even if the redness is hidden. "And I see that she learned some things from you," he says, his fingers tracing the mark.

She could deny it, say someone else put that mark there. She could also flinch away from his touch, but Lily doesn't back down from a challenge. Instead she stretches her neck as if enjoying his caress, letting her eyes flutter half-closed. He's watching her in the mirror, of course, watching her expression just as she's watching his. "Mmm, maybe so," Lily murmurs, her voice full of seductive promise.

Thomas was an arm's length away; now he moves closer, his breath cool against Lily's neck. "I warn you, Lily, if you ruin her…" His fingers slide, almost accidentally, around to her throat, his thumb still on the back of her neck. His expression in the mirror makes the threat he's too wise to speak aloud.

Lily doesn't like to play other people's games, so she changes the rules. She leans back against him, letting her head drop back against his chest. "I'd never hurt your little princess," she whispers throatily, swiveling her hips slowly. The look in his eyes changes then; he can't help but respond, a beautiful young woman writhing against him, looking up at him with those mismatched eyes full of heat.

His hand glides off her throat, down to her shoulder, then her waist. "I would warn you, Nina has some bite to her, but you already know this, yes?"

Laughing softly, wickedly, Lily purrs, "Better than you do. Do you even know what you woke in her, Thomas? Do you have any idea?" Even while she turns her words into razors, slashing as deeply into him as she can, Lily keeps the tone of her voice husky, and never stops the slow grind back against him. "She's too much for you to handle, Thomas. Nina's a better dancer than you can imagine, a better teacher than you are, stronger than both of us if she'll only let herself be. When she finally lets go, it'll be beyond your wildest fantasies – and you won't be there to see it, except on the stage. That'll have to be enough for you, Thomas; you can't keep up with her. Even if you were twenty years younger, you couldn't handle Nina."

It's having the desired effect; he's half-hard against her back, his fingers digging cruelly into her waist, his breath gone rough from arousal and outrage. Lily stares up at him, letting him see that her lidded eyes are full of contempt, not lust. In the same sultry tone as before, she tells him, "_You_ were the one who nearly broke her, Thomas. So don't give _me_ advice."

With that she tilts her head up like she means to kiss him, but instead snaps her teeth just below his jaw. Startled, he releases her, and Lily stalks away. All of the sensuality is gone, her body as cold as her gaze when she turns to glare at him.

Thomas chuckles at her, one accomplished seducer to another, admitting he's bested for the moment but not yet defeated. Lily smirks at him, purring, "I'll see you tonight."

Only then does she see Nina in the doorway, her eyes wide with shock.


	19. Swans

Thomas and Lily. Lily and Thomas. Neither of them notices her as Nina watches from the door, Lily dancing against him with the same sensual abandon she brings to the black swan. How strange is it that Nina is jealous at this moment? Not of the way Thomas presses against Lily, desire written in every line of his body, but of Lily's languid grace. She wants so badly to dance like that…

She can't hear what Lily's saying, only the wanton tone of her voice, at least until she abruptly moves away from Thomas. Then Lily tells him she'll see him tonight, and then, at last, Lily sees her. For a second her face is perfectly blank with shock.

Nina steps back into the hallway, out of Lily's sight, her heart hammering. After the first few seconds of surprise she discovers she _is_ jealous. Nina wants to punch Thomas, claw his face, for touching Lily. As for Lily herself … the black swan fans its wings possessively. She can imagine pinning Lily down, hurting her, marking her so she'll know who she belongs to. But that's the violent side of her talking, the crazy side, and Nina forces it away.

Does she have even a right to that anger pulsing at her temples? What does she mean to Lily – what does Lily mean to her? Do either of them even know? This morning certainly seemed like a lot more than friends, but Lily views things differently from Nina. Lily's no virgin, Nina knows she's slept with men she barely met, so why should she expect Lily to be faithful to something they've never spoken of?

Part of her wants to run, just run away, not deal with this at all. There's a stack of unopened letters and cards in the office, all from her mother, and she doesn't have to read them to know what they offer. Safe shelter from moments like this, and all she has to do is let Mommy pick up the puppet strings again.

No, not that, never. She'll find her own way first. But she doesn't run, stands frozen in the hall as Lily hurries out to her. Those dark-lined eyes are worried, almost frightened; she's never seen Lily look that way. And then Nina knows why she hasn't simply left: with all they are to each other now, however undefined that may be, she owes Lily a chance to explain.

"Jesus, I thought you'd take off," Lily sighs, grabbing Nina's hands and pulling her close. "It's not what it looks like, Nina, I'm just fucking with his mind. I wouldn't, you _know_ I wouldn't, not him…"

Nina can see how that sensuality could become a weapon, and how effectively it would work on Thomas, who's more used to seducing than to being seduced. She can also hear him striding toward the door, so she silences Lily with a curt, "Let's go."

They escape into the changing room before Thomas gets to the hall, Nina pulling Lily by the hand. The younger girl still looks nervous, and it's definitely not a natural expression on her. Strange to see her this way, to know none of the others ever have. Lily is confident to the point of brazenness for everyone else. "Nina…"

"It's okay," she insists, and oddly enough, it is. Nina believes her without the need for further explanation. Lily's never lied to her, and the memory of last night's truth-telling is more powerful than the flash of jealousy. She remembers Lily relaxing in her arms, trusting, falling asleep with Nina to guard her back. The younger girl wouldn't betray that trust; Nina knows that on a level deeper than words or mere appearances.

Lily gives her a curious look, then apparently decides to take her at her word. She only needs a couple of minutes to change, and then they're heading outside into the bleary gray day. "What are we doing for lunch?" Nina asks, as if it's any other day, as if they weren't making out this morning and Lily just didn't half-seduce their director.

"I have something in mind," Lily says, but won't give her specifics. Nina follows her to a deli across from Central Park, where Lily orders them both sandwiches – and then buys a loaf of stale bread. That's weird, but Nina's past questioning her when she's in one of these moods.

It's not too cold out, just brisk enough to make them glad of their coats, and Lily leads her into the park and up to the pond. They eat sitting close together on a park bench, watching the water, and Nina smiles as she recognizes the brilliant white shapes drifting toward them. "I didn't know there were swans in New York. Not this time of year, anyway. Don't they fly south for the winter?"

Lily swallows a bite of pastrami and spicy mustard before answering. "Normally they do. But one of them got injured – some dumbass with a crossbow or something – and now it can't fly."

Ah, now Nina understands. "The other one is its mate. They mate for life, don't they? So the other one won't leave even though it can."

"Exactly. I did a little research – people are taking care of these two to make sure they survive. They can live here year-round, as long as they have food; it's not the cold that makes them fly south, it's hunger."

A couple of ducks are the only waterfowl around besides the swans, and those common birds are already approaching the two girls hopefully. When Lily breaks off a piece of bread and tosses it, the ducks swarm in, their round dark eyes cunning. The swans hang back, seeming more aloof than afraid.

Eventually Nina and Lily have to go to the water's edge and toss their crumbs in to get the swans to come nearer. The two swans eventually deign to swim nearer, their bright eyes sharp on the two girls even as they dip their elegant heads to nibble at the bread floating around them. Nina cannot remember ever being this close to a wild animal before; enchanted, she kneels down on the concrete rim of the pond to offer them bread from her hands.

The bigger of the two swans swims close; its red eye stares into her own. Majestic creature, and more than a little intimidating. Its head is high enough to look Nina levelly in the eye, and its wings must be wider than she is tall. For a moment they regard each other, the great white swan and the slender girl who sometimes pretends to be one. Then the black and orange bill slides into Nina's cupped palm to nibble the bread. The feathers at its throat are impossibly soft and warm, more like velvet than anything else, and Nina catches her breath in sheer wonder.

The swans swim away when their hunger is sated, leaving Nina feeling blessed. Lily whispers, "Holy shit. I never thought they'd do that."

"Neither did I." When Nina stands up, the neglected ducks quack irritably at her, and she tosses a handful of bread to them, laughing. As she takes the last crumbs from the bag Lily's holding, she grins at the younger girl. "That was fantastic, Lily. You're a genius."

Seeing Lily smile in return, an honest sweet smile instead of the taunting smirk that usually curves her lips, Nina realizes just how alike they are. Only Lily has chosen to wear the black swan's outer feathers, a façade of sarcasm and cruelty to keep the rest of the world from finding out about the downy softness beneath. But now Nina knows the truth, Nina has touched her where she's most vulnerable, the same way the swan let her fingertips stroke its throat as it ate from her hand.

The kiss isn't planned. Nina just leans forward and does it, kissing Lily's mouth there in the park where anyone can see. It's not the burning passion of before, when Nina thought she was drugged; this is sweet and tender, and Lily returns it the same way, lips moving softly against Nina's. Just for a few seconds it's heaven, their eyes almost closed as they kiss, the swans watching them in serene approval.


	20. Confrontation

Lily and Nina head back to the studio in plenty of time for the show, but the changing room is already half full when they arrive. The other girls' usual chatter stops the moment they walk in. Lily had caught Nina's hand to pull her inside, both of them snickering over the way the cabbie had sung falsetto the entire ride over, but all the other soloists see is the pair of them, holding hands and laughing. The silence is as loud as a dropped anvil, and the stares on them are obvious. "See you backstage," Lily says, trying to get Nina out of there before anyone says anything.

"See you," Nina echoes, and walks past them all toward her dressing room. From the faraway look in her eyes, Lily guesses she's already thinking about the show, calling up the grace of the real swans in her mind's eye.

That's for the best. It's good that she has a private dressing room, that she's not out in the middle of this. Right now Lily feels like she's standing in the middle of a pack of wild dogs, all of them waiting for her to show weakness so they know where to bite.

Too bad she _never_ shows weakness, and if one of them tries to snap at her, they know what they'll get. She ignores them all, sits down to do her makeup, and that's when it happens. "_Dyke_," the single word harshly hissed in the silence, impossible to say exactly who said it.

Lily gasps, bolting from her chair and clutching her heart with a melodramatic roll of her eyes. "No! Not that! Anything but that! _Arrrrrgggghhhhh!_"

She's got all of their attention with that faked cry of mortal agony, and abruptly drops the whole act, staring at the lot of them with something between amusement and disgust in her eyes. "Really? That's the best you've got? _Come on._ I'm from San Francisco, I used to hang with _real_ dykes, the ones who own motorcycles and can bench-press small cars."

They're still staring, and Lily doesn't even realize Nina's in the doorway watching. She's enjoying her performance a little too much. "All right, just so you have the correct terminology, if I was gay I would be what's called a 'lipstick lesbian'. See: the makeup, the skirts, the fact that I'm a freakin' _dancer _for chrissake. I'm just not butch enough to be a dyke. But I'm not gay, I'm actually _bisexual_, which doesn't really have a slur attached to it yet."

Multiple pairs of wide, shocked eyes stare at her silently. Expressions of disbelief on all their faces, as if it's inconceivable that she'd speak so openly of such things. It's like she started cursing in a convent or something. Lily snorts disbelievingly and shakes her head. "You guys _really_ need to get laid."

"We're not sluts like you," Veronica jeers.

Lily's about to take issue with that – all bisexuals are _not_ sluts, they just happen to be equal opportunity in terms of attraction, and furthermore, the fact that Lily herself likes sex and can get it whenever she wants doesn't make her a slut – when Nina speaks. "Veronica, enough."

Everyone turns around. Nina's never taken a strong stand for herself or anyone else; Lily knows that without having to be told. And dammit, she didn't want Nina mixed up in this bullshit. But this isn't hesitant, quiet Nina staring Veronica down with eyes as aloof as the swans'.

"Oh, you're gonna protect your girlfriend now?" Veronica spits at her, and Lily stiffens. That's it, Nina's going to spaz, she can see herself either having to comfort the sobbing girl or pull her off of Veronica before anyone else goes to the hospital. It could go either way, with Nina…

"Your problem isn't with Lily, it's with me," Nina says in that same steady voice. "There are things you should know. C'mon." She tilts her head toward the dressing room, and Lily is stunned by how calm she is. Veronica's doing her best to get under Nina's skin, and it's just not working.

Veronica scoffs, looking back at her mirror, and Nina doesn't give up. Instead she walks up to Veronica, willing to make this public, and Lily keeps her mouth shut. Veronica has no idea who she's dealing with now; this isn't the same Nina who came home from the hospital weak and wary-eyed. The rest of the girls are about to get an education in who Nina _really_ is, and Lily silently cheers her on.

"I was going to say this privately, but since you insist, Veronica," Nina begins, and has everyone's attention. "I never meant to be mean to you. I went to Thomas to ask him for the part, and he told me he'd already chosen you. That's why I congratulated you. I didn't know he'd changed his mind until you said something."

Lily can see Veronica's shoulders tense. "Oh yeah? And what'd you do to make him change his mind?"

Nina laughs softly. "He tried to kiss me, and I bit him. After that I ran off, thinking he'd probably fire me. But then I found out he'd given me the role for it. That's why he said that about showing some more of 'that bite', the next day. Quite honestly, it scared the hell out of me."

Veronica swivels around to stare at her. "Bullshit," she finally says, "you probably blew him."

"Oh yeah, 'cause Nina's _such_ an accomplished liar," Lily chimes in snidely. "Not to mention seductress. She's totally the kind who…"

"Lily," is all Nina says to her, but she finds herself going silent. It's a little weird to see Nina handling this on her own. She's acting like the star of the show, like she has every right to boss all of them around.

"I'm not your enemy, Veronica. Maybe I should never have been the Swan Queen; it did almost kill me, you know. But I am, and Lily's my alternate, and all of that is Thomas' decision. He's the director, after all. So I don't have a problem with you, and I don't want to start one."

"Then keep your bitch there off of me," Veronica snaps, clearly shaken. Lily curls her lip, ready with a comeback – _if I was on you they'd hear you in Jersey_ – but Nina just laughs.

"Okay, Veronica. Lily, will you leave her alone? Please?" The expression in Nina's eyes makes it clear that she _knows_ Veronica's the one who started it all, but that she's appealing to the more mature and sensible party in hopes of ending the fight.

"Yeah, sure," Lily sighs, and it's only after Nina turns to leave that she realizes she didn't argue Veronica's choice of terminology. She was too distracted by this glimpse of Nina finally behaving like the person Lily knew she could become.

After a long moment of edgy silence, one of the other girls finally asks, "Hey, Lily? Do you know why he picked you for Nina's alternate?"

It's phrased tentatively, not accusingly, so Lily actually answers with the truth. "He never told me. My guess is, he just picked the dancer least like Nina in terms of style. She gets to see a completely different way of doing things when I dance the exact same role."

It makes sense, and so does Veronica's hatred. Poor girl's been screwed over twice, told she had the part only to see it _and_ the alternate go to other dancers. She should've known Nina would never be so deliberately cruel, but these girls are used to a much more cutthroat set of rules than the ones Nina lives by. Lily figures that she can cut her some slack, if Veronica will stop trying to turn the rest against her.


	21. Inspiration

**A/N: Sorry this is later than expected. I have an infected dental nerve, and pain pills don't help creativity. It's being treated, so I hope I feel better tomorrow. **

…

Thomas stops Nina on her way to the stage, cups her cheek in his hand and stares into her eyes. She meets his gaze, nothing hesitant about her now, and he must like what he sees because he smiles and kisses her forehead. "Go, Nina. Stun them, seduce them. Be my Swan Queen." So she does precisely that.

The white swan is glorious as ever, and Nina retires backstage to change costumes with a now-familiar glow of achievement about her. She hears the door click and there's Lily sidling into the room, grinning with congratulations. "I learn more about ballet by watching you dance than I do in a year of practice," Lily says.

"Admit it, you just like watching me, period," Nina teases back, and only after the words have left her lips does she recognize the black swan already rising in her mind. For once she doesn't fight it; she _needs_ that other self now, needs the sensuality and the danger for the role she's about to dance.

Lily arches an eyebrow at that, and then her grin becomes a sultry smile. "Fine. I like watching you, whatever you're doing. I especially like watching you change costumes." She adds a purring little growl to that, eyes agleam with wickedness.

Nina just looks at her for a long moment before turning back to her mirror. She's got makeup to put on, and a finite time to do it in. But she can still banter with Lily. "You're incorrigible."

"You like me that way," Lily retorts.

"I do," Nina admits, and Lily's taken aback for the second time in as many minutes. Nina finds she enjoys being able to surprise her.

"Yeah, well, I like you being forward. Getting in character already?"

"Of course," Nina replies. "I can do this, Lily. It might not be my best black swan ever, but it'll be the best I can do right now. That'll have to be good enough."

"Holy shit," Lily says, completely nonplussed now. "Nina, that's the first time I've ever heard you accept less than perfection from yourself. I'm … I'm kinda shocked, really. I didn't realize you'd come this far this fast."

Nina grins at Lily's reflection in the mirror. "I like shocking you."

"Wow. And here I was thinking I'd have to inspire you." Lily looks as genuinely amazed as she sounds.

There's a hint of something else in her voice, and Nina stops before putting the dark lipstick on. "I won't turn down inspiration," she finally says, surprised at the husky tone of her own voice.

"Then come here," Lily murmurs, and it's the same tone she used to Thomas, the one that promises fulfillment of every fantasy you can imagine, and a dozen more you aren't creative enough to have thought of yet. No wonder, then, that Nina drops everything to turn to her, that they meet in the middle of the room. Lily kisses Nina, pressing her body against the older girl, arching her spine just a little. Nina devours Lily's mouth, running her hands up and down Lily's sides. She yearns for this, burns to touch Lily and be touched by her, hungry beyond her ability to express.

Lily's making encouraging little murmurs against her lips, spurring her on. And then Lily catches Nina's hand and guides it further up and across. Nina finds herself cupping Lily's breast, Lily's taut nipple pressed ahead her palm through the thin leotard, and as she kneads the softness a wanton moan breaks from Lily's throat.

The black swan is ravenous and insistent: drop to her knees, grab Lily's hips, and tear the leotard and tights with her teeth until she can get finally taste Lily, make her moan, feel Lily's hands tangled in her hair pleading for more. The last little bit of her mind that is still Nina shrieks a warning; they have only a few minutes before the next act begins. The black swan doesn't care, flicking her thumb over Lily's nipple. The younger girl's head falls back as she whimpers with need, and the black swan bends to claim her lovely neck.

Only instead of the flavor of Lily's skin, her tongue meets the harsh taste of cosmetics. It's the bite from earlier, heavily concealed. "Don't," Lily gasps, shying back, "you have no idea how long it took to cover that up."

It's just enough of a shock for Nina to wrest control back from her dark side. "God, Lily…"

"We don't have time," Lily cuts her off, and kisses her once, hard. "Go on, finish your makeup and then get out there. Show them how it's done."

She would stay, but Nina rakes her fingers into Lily's tightly pulled-up hair, ignoring her hiss of pain, and kisses her one more time. "Get out before I don't let you leave," she whispers, and it's a good thing Lily takes her at her word then, because the black swan fans her wings. If she cannot seduce Lily just now, she'll settle for a silly prince and an audience of admirers.


	22. Introspection

**A/N: Thanks for bearing with me, readers. The last few days have been a real challenge, but I'm on the mend. Thank you all for being patient. We should be back to regular updates now.**

…

Lily's whole body thrums with a low, continuous current of arousal as she watches Nina dance the black swan. She's not sure exactly when she started to get so turned on by Nina; it must be the contrast of shy sweet girl and hot-blooded woman. Sometimes it seems like, if she whispered, "I want you" in Nina's ear, she'd blush so hard she might actually explode from utter mortification. Other times it seems like if she did that, Nina's eyes would blaze and she'd take Lily standing up against the nearest wall.

Not always knowing which reaction she'll get has kept her from saying the words, or any more polite euphemism thereof. Besides, for all that she _knows_ Nina wants her, the older girl hasn't said it either. That in itself is a little odd. Lily's used to hearing those words in all their possible permutations: the blunt "I wanna fuck you" to the shy "You wanna go somewhere afterwards?" and everything in between. She's even been asked if she wants to come up and see someone's etchings, and that guy had actual etched granite tiles hanging on the wall of his third-floor walk-up.

To be honest, all approaches are equally likely to work. It depends more on whether she's in the mood and the person in question is interesting enough. If Lily finds someone attractive, she can generally have them whenever she wants. All she has to do is indicate interest, and people stumble over themselves to make overtures.

Not so with Nina. Lily realizes suddenly that Nina's the first in a long time to be interested in more than sex. Friends-with-benefits has been Lily's usual relationship model, but this with Nina is more than that already. More intense, more intimate, more potentially destructive. It makes Lily a little uncomfortable to realize she's the impatient one now, waiting for someone else to make up her mind, instead of coolly deciding if and when to distribute her favors.

Still, Lily _is_ enjoying the slow dance of attraction between them. She has a pretty good idea how it will end – maybe Nina does too – but getting there is proving to be more fun than Lily ever expected. It's been a long time since anyone dared to keep her waiting, and the anticipation adds spice to every encounter. With Nina, she doesn't have everything under control, and as much as she usually hates that, the more uncertain she allows herself to feel, the more confident she can see Nina becoming. And that confidence is a _huge_ turn-on.

Nina's conquered the audience again, and she comes off the stage to plenty of applause. Lily grins and gives her a thumb's-up, then hurries to get ready for her own final dance. Nina can get into character for the white swan all her own, and she has plenty of material for that final haunting scene. She did almost live it, after all.

Except tonight, as Lily spares a few seconds' attention from her own Little Swan routine, Nina's dying Swan Queen doesn't seem quite as majestic as she remembers. The tragic despair isn't quite as poignant, and there's actually a moment of hesitation, thankfully imperceptible to the audience, before she leaps.

As they all leave the stage, Thomas' keen eyes seem to knife through Nina. He saw it; the only question is, will he say anything? Lily tenses, but Nina drifts serenely past him, her eyes cool. A week ago she would've been in tears at the disappointment on his face. He doesn't say anything – yet. Thomas will review their performance at tomorrow morning's practice, and Lily has a bad feeling about that.

Fuck him. This was Nina's most balanced performance yet, and he ought to know it. It'd be wonderful if she could dance both roles at her best, but maybe she's just gotten a little too mentally healthy to identify with the Swan Queen's suicide. Lily shrugs it off as she goes to get changed. She'll deal with tomorrow when it comes.

The soloists' changing room is full of post-show chatter, which Lily ignores as she shrugs off her costume and gets back into her regular clothes. Throwing her coat on, she hurries out to the hallway to meet Nina.

But someone else has already met her there. Lily comes to an abrupt halt at the sight of Nina's mother. _This is not going to be good_, she thinks.


	23. Mother

That final scene needed work, Nina knows, but she has several days before the next show. Plenty of time to work on it, and she'll have Lily's help. As she stood on the top of the ramp, ready to leap, the black swan spoke in her mind. _Why would anyone die for a prince so foolish?_ All of a sudden she hated the entire story, its message that women's lives were only valued in terms of their men. Why _should_ the Swan Queen kill herself? Because her beloved was tricked and now she'll continue to be a swan? Her circumstances haven't changed, it's only that she began to hope for better and then lost her chance. Nina felt a surge of contempt for her character that she simply couldn't hide. Fortunately the audience didn't seem to notice.

Preoccupied, Nina walks out of her dressing room to wait for Lily. She promised authentic Middle Eastern cuisine for dinner, and Nina's developing a taste for the exotic spices Lily loves. Her train of thought is utterly derailed, though, when a familiar voice calls her name.

Nina looks up to see her mother, here, backstage. Her first reaction is dismay; her stomach plummets, and she wants to flee. But then she sees that Erica is knotting her hands together nervously, her eyes a little too bright. Nina recognizes her anxiety, and remembers the last time they saw each other. They haven't spoken since the argument that ended with Nina storming blindly out of the house, and it hurts to realize Erica is afraid to speak to her now. Pity replaces dread, but Nina cannot simply run into her mother's arms. Not now, not after realizing how much of her own life has been determined by Erica's deferred dreams. How much longer would she have stayed there, been her mother's perfect little doll, if she didn't have Lily?

"Nina," Erica says, and her voice is full of painful yearning. "I … I'm sorry. I shouldn't have come. But I missed you so…"

This is her _mother_, the woman who carried her, who gave her life, who raised her, sheltered her, clothed her, fed her, for nearly all of her life. To hear her heart breaking is more than Nina can bear, and she whispers, "Mommy," with tears welling up. Erica smiles, bravely through her own tears, and holds out her arms, and Nina goes to her. How can she not?

It feels like home, the softness of Erica's coat, the scent of her perfume, how safe and familiar this embrace. Erica gives a hitching sigh that's almost a sob, squeezing Nina close. "Oh, sweetheart. I'm so sorry, sorry for everything…"

"It's okay," Nina manages, her own voice small and choked with emotion. After talking with her therapist, she understands Erica better. It doesn't make what her mother did _right_, but it's hard to hate someone whose motivations are clear. Erica Sayers was never the great dancer she wanted to be, but when she became pregnant she saw a chance at the next best thing: to be the mother of a great dancer. Nina had the genetics for it, and Erica saw to it that she got the best of everything. There were times when they couldn't afford to stock the pantry with anything other than ramen noodles and macaroni, but Nina always had new _pointe_ shoes, new leotards, and the finest instruction. Erica has no real friends that Nina can remember, only people from the company, and her only hobby is painting – with a single, obsessive subject. She has literally given up her whole life to make Nina the best dancer she can be.

And yet … in doing so, she trapped Nina in a gilded cage, never letting her explore any other possibilities. Nina was good in school, studious and quick-minded, but academics were never important to Erica and so they never even spoke of college, of any career other than dance. School was an annoyance to be gotten through, a legal requirement, when for Erica's purposes it didn't matter to Nina's eventual success.

Nina draws back slightly. She can perhaps forgive her mother, but not forget. And it's as well she's remembered, because Erica is smiling beatifically now. "Come home, Nina. Things will be different, you'll see. I know I've been … well, overprotective, but you've always been my sweet girl and I've always worried so much about you. Come home, you'll be more comfortable there, you'll be safe."

Out of the corner of her eye, Nina catches a glimpse of movement, and flicks her gaze that way to see Lily, waiting but restless. She can read the younger girl's body language so clearly now; the set of her shoulders and the cant of her hips speaking of deep unease, though she's trying not to scowl. The look in her mismatched eyes says volumes, but she's holding her tongue.

If there were nothing else weighing her choice, that alone would suffice. Lily will let Nina make her own decisions and fight her own battles. She _wants_ to protect her, she would've shredded Veronica earlier, but she'll step aside and let Nina do things her way. Erica never has. Her mother always tries to do things for her, even little things, and Nina isn't foolish enough to believe that has changed so quickly.

"I'm sorry, Mommy, I can't. That … that wouldn't be for the best, for either of us." Nina steels herself for whatever reaction her words provoke.

It's the most heartbreaking, haunted look she's ever seen on anyone's face, and that's counting her own in the mirror. "But Nina … how am I supposed to sleep at night, not knowing where you are, if you're all right? I don't even know where you're staying, if you have someplace safe. It's a mother's job to take care of her daughter…"

"So her daughter can grow up and take care of herself. Mommy…" All of a sudden she realizes how infantile that sounds, and changes her wording. "Mom, I'm fine. I'm staying with a … friend." Nina cannot help the way she stumbles over the designation, so inadequate to what Lily means to her, any more than she can help glancing sideways at the younger girl.

Erica's lip curls up in a sneer. "I don't like that girl," she whispers, perhaps not realizing how her voice carries in the bare hallway. Perhaps not caring. "Nina, she has a dark aura."

"Actually I'm just Goth," Lily says, shrugging.

"I'm safe with Lily, Mom," Nina insists.

"Are you now?" Erica demands. "And how many parties have you been to, how many drugs have you done, how many times have you come home at three in the morning, stumbling-drunk and smelling of cigarettes and cheap cologne?"

"None," Nina replies. "That was a mistake. Mom, I'm not coming back. That's not home for me anymore. You and I both need to live our own lives now." The fear in Erica's eyes moves her, and she smiles at her mother sadly. "But I understand why you're worried, and I do miss you. I'll come over for dinner … Tuesday, maybe? Would that be all right?"

To her surprise, it seems to be enough, and Erica hugs her again. After more reassurances, and a few more tears, they finally part. Nina finds herself both relieved to escape with Lily, and a little sad. It hurts her to wound her mother, but she has little choice. One of them must break free of the warped chains that bind them, and Erica is comfortable being merely Nina's mother and caretaker. So it must be Nina who peels away the layers between them, and if she draws blood in doing it, then she must remember that the reason people bleed is to cleanse their wounds so they can heal cleanly.


	24. Confession

**A/N: This chapter is a bit short, but we'll be getting another Lily-POV chapter tonight to make up for the brevity.**

…

"Penny for your thoughts," Lily whispers on the subway, watching Nina's haunted eyes.

"She gave up too easily," Nina murmurs. "This dinner on Tuesday, it's going to be a nightmare. She'll do anything she can to get me back, anything she can think of. I … I'm worried she might even threaten to hurt herself."

Lily takes her hand, lacing their fingers together. Erica Sayers gives her the chills, always has. "Don't let her do that. Nina, if anyone ever pulls that shit on you, you walk out, call the cops, and report the suicide threat. Ninety-nine percent of the time, it's just melodrama, but if they're serious you're still saving their life. And I guarantee it'll never happen again."

"You've done that?" Nina asks, wide-eyed.

"I had some crazy exes. This photographer, he was totally in love with me, and I wasn't really into that deep of a relationship. When I found out he was taking pictures of me while I slept, hundreds and hundreds of photos on his computer…" She shudders. "Super creepy. So I walked out, and he called me drunk one night saying he was gonna slash his wrists if I didn't come back, that he couldn't live without me, all that manipulative shit. I hung up and dialed nine-one-one. The cops found him with a knife in his hand, cutting up photos of me, so they locked him in a mental ward for three days, involuntary admission."

"Wow." Nina ought to know by now that there are plenty of colorful stories in Lily's past, but she still seems amazed by things that long ago lost their power to shock Lily.

"Yeah, he never called again. A year later I ran into him at a gallery and he thanked me. He actually got help because of that, got on meds for a while. So it was a win-win situation. The point is, you can't let guilt make your choices for you. People get obsessed, and that's not your fault. You don't owe anyone enough to stay in a situation that makes you unhappy."

Nina chuckles then, and Lily tilts her head, a question in her eyes. The older girl tells her, "When you took my hand then, I kinda thought you were going to tell me something like, 'Don't go back to your mom's, I need you.' I should've known better."

"I do need you," Lily says, and gives Nina's hand a squeeze. Those words are easier to admit now than she ever thought they could be; with a few exceptions, Lily has managed not to _need_ people. Like them, appreciate them, want them, but not need them. Still, she repeats it to Nina. "I need you. I'd hate it if you left. But I won't die without you. I'd just be hideously fucking miserable and probably write a lot of emo poetry and miss you terribly. And, you know, fuck half of New York out of some warped sense of revenge."

Nina snickers at that, somewhere between amused and embarrassed. "I don't know if New York is ready for that. Lily, I'm not going anywhere."

"Good," Lily says, and squeezes her hand again. "I won't keep you just for me, Nina. If you want to leave, I won't try to guilt you into staying. I will, however, try to find all sorts of reasons why you'd want to stay." She grins with that, getting an answering smile from Nina, and adds, "Besides, where else are you going to find a masseuse this good who'll work for free?" That gets yet another laugh out of Nina, and Lily thinks she's beautiful when she laughs like that.


	25. Dancers

**A/N: Food porn ahead. There is a Casbah in my hometown, and it is AMAZING. If you get the chance to sample this kind of cuisine, do it. It tastes absolutely decadent, but it's actually pretty good for you.**

**Also, reviewer Ashley: no need to apologize for swearing. :D I've gotten used to Lily's language, so surely a little complimentary profanity is welcome.**

…

Soon enough they're at the restaurant, another tiny place tucked in behind a courtyard. Nina hesitates for a second as they walk in, and Lily can guess why. The interior is dark, the ceilings a little lower than Nina's used to, and the music seems to be composed for a different sense of rhythm and melody as well as unfamiliar instruments. Lily tugs her gently along until the wafting warmth of the spices catches hold of her. Curiosity awakened, Nina follows her to a corner booth, and they're barely seated before a handsome waiter appears at their side.

He's slim and dark, black-haired but with brilliantly green eyes. He smiles at them and leans against the edge of the booth beside Lily. "Good evening ladies, welcome to the Casbah Café," he tells them, a faint accent flavoring his words as he hands them four menus. "My name is Elias, and I will be your waiter this evening. Here are your dinner menus, the beverage menu, and of course the hookah menu. Can I start you off with something to drink?"

Lily's already flipped open the drinks menu. "What sort of wine would you recommend with, say, a sampling of appetizers? Something fairly light for the occasional drinker." If it was just her, she'd have something stronger, but Nina and liquor are still mere acquaintances.

Elias has a ready answer. "For authenticity, the Château Kefraya wines are excellent. I would suggest Les Brétèches, if you prefer red, or La Dame Blanche for white. We also have a selection of Spanish and Greek wines that work well with the _mezze_."

"La Dame Blanche, please – we'll split the bottle," Lily says, giving Elias a charming smile. She's noticed how close he is to her, and the way Nina's watching him. "Oh, and we definitely want a hookah. Can we put that order in now, too?"

"Of course," Elias says.

"Do you really think we should?" Nina says, raising an eyebrow.

"It's divine, Nina, you have to try it," Lily tells her. Getting Nina to try new things is her new favorite hobby; it's like watching someone open a Christmas present almost every day.

Elias flips open the hookah menu and slides it to Nina, leaning against her side of the booth now. Lily sees a brief, flustered look pass across her face, and hides a smile by looking at the upside-down menu. Apparently Nina is not entirely immune to male attention. "Here are all of our hookah flavors, miss. We use only the finest shisha, so the flavors really come through – it's not like smoking cigarettes at all."

The menu is two pages long, more choices than Lily would've given Nina, and she sees the older girl biting her lip slightly. So she appeals the authority on the subject. "You're the expert, Elias. What's your recommendation?"

"The winter rose – mixed rose and mint shisha, with a rosewater filter," he replies. "It's one of our most popular flavors."

"That sounds perfect," Nina says, and smiles at him. Elias leaves to put in their order, and Lily can't hold back her chuckles any longer. "What?"

"You're totally flirting with him," Lily teases.

"I am not," Nina retorts.

"Are so. It's okay, I'm not jealous. Besides, I think he's cute too." Nina's scowl at that is just plain irresistible, but Lily's careful not to taunt her too much. "C'mon, stop glaring and have a look at the menu."

"I ought to just let you order," Nina grumbles. "You insist on taking me places where the menu needs a translation."

Lily arches an eyebrow at her. "And you love it. Quit complaining." The design of the booth allows her to slide over to Nina's side, 'accidentally' bumping her hip into Nina's.

Those deep brown eyes come up to meet Lily's mismatched green and blue, and Lily just holds her gaze. "Do you have any sense of personal space?" Nina asks.

Apparently even that little bit of teasing was enough to make Nina's temper brittle. Unfortunately Lily has forgotten how to back down from anything resembling a challenge. Placing her hand on Nina's knee under the table and leaning even further toward her under the guise of reading her menu, she purrs, "Of course not. Now, my thought was to grab a bunch of appetizers and share them, make a meal of that."

Lily can feel Nina staring at her, with amusement or annoyance she can't quite tell, until Nina elbows her – gently – aside. Still, she makes certain to brush her fingertips up Nina's leg just a little as she sits back. Nina stiffens at that, but for the moment doesn't comment. "Sounds like a plan. Stuffed grape leaves, though?"

"They're delish," Lily insists, and they spend the next few minutes figuring out which appetizers to order. Nina vetoes the fried jibnah on the grounds that no dancer needs to be eating pieces of _fried cheese_, and Lily talks her into the hummus with ground lamb as well as the makdous. "Just don't think of it as pickled baby eggplant, and you'll be okay."

When Elias returns with their wine, his smile is a little broader at the sight of them sitting side-by-side, and Lily returns it with a knowing grin as she orders for them both. Nina's making a concerted effort not to be flirtatious, so Lily picks up the slack, much to Nina's chagrin. Elias takes all of it in stride, paying equal attention to both of them. And who wouldn't?

The hookah and the food arrive together, and Lily sets about getting Nina pleasantly messed up on good food, good wine, and good smoke – plus the heady ingredient of her own proximity. There's no reason to sit across from Nina when they're sharing all of the appetizers, and soon enough Nina's watching her over the rim of her wine glass, her eyes pleasantly hazy. Lily lets the smoke trickle from her nose like a dragon, grinning wickedly as she glances at the clock.

At seven, the music changes, and the belly dancers start to tour the restaurant. The look on Nina's face is absolutely priceless. Lily neglected to inform her of the evening's entertainment, and her wide-eyed gaze followed by a blush as she turns away makes Lily chuckle softly.

Nina narrows her eyes, realizing she's been set up. "Those outfits are almost see-through," she says, trying to sound scandalized.

"And leotards leave nothing to the imagination. Relax, Nina; you can claim professional interest. Besides, belly dancing is perfectly respectable." All of that is true, but Lily can barely keep a straight face as Nina watches first hesitantly, then raptly.

On a professional level, they can both appreciate the skill involved. The muscle isolations these girls use would be just as impressive in jazz ballet, and of course all professional dancers are aware of the strength and stamina behind such seemingly effortless grace.

On a personal level, it's sexy as hell, which Lily knew perfectly well when she chose the venue. When one of the dancers makes her way over to their table, Nina drops her gaze, but Lily smiles welcomingly. If she doesn't move, Nina can't escape having this beautiful woman dancing provocatively right beside her. Lily can practically feel her heart racing. _Just enjoy it already,_ she thinks.

Nina is still hesitant to admit her attraction to women, and this was Lily's attempt to show her it's not just about Lily herself. She's known for quite some time that Nina is bisexual at the least, maybe even gay, but so deeply repressed that she was too terrified of her own feelings to face them. Only when the black swan is in control does she allow herself to show interest, and Lily wants to change that. Needs to change that, if there's going to be anything more than yearning between them.

Just before the dancer moves away, Lily produces a folded twenty from her purse. The way she holds it means the woman has to practically lean across Nina to take it, and Lily catches hold of her fingers for an instant. "What's your name?"

The dancer smiles, her eyes as darkly lined as Lily's own, and doesn't pull away. "Zatarra," she replies, obviously giving her stage name. Her long, curly dark hair nearly brushes Nina's face, and the older girl is absolutely still – the same reaction she sometimes has in the midst of a massage, as if she's afraid that moving in the slightest will shatter the moment.

Lily draws Zatarra's hand gently to her lips, and kisses the backs of her fingers once. "You're very talented. We're dancers, too – ballet."

"Ah, so you appreciate," Zatarra says, and takes her hand back just as gently.

"Very much," Nina says, and shocks the hell out of Lily by placing her hand on Lily's thigh as she smiles.


	26. Jealousy

Zatarra makes herself scarce after the black swan stakes her claim. She turns her head to stare at the object of her obsession, wanting to make her point. Lily looks amused and impressed, and there's an ironic quirk to her lips when she says, "Well, look who decided to get possessive." She does not, the swan notices, make any attempt to remove the hand on her thigh.

"I don't like you flirting with other people," the swan says, voice low and threatening. Lily's wearing a skirt, so she slides her fingers up an inch and presses her nails against bare skin above her thigh-high stockings.

Most of the amusement leaves Lily's expression then. "I've been a flirt since I was twelve, and I'm not going to change that."

The black swan wants to fight about that, wants to dig in her nails and show Lily who she belongs to, but Nina resurfaces in her own mind. _Not in public, no you don't, you're not going to fight with her and drive her away._ She wrests control back from her darker self in time to stop angry words from rising to her lips, but is left with Lily's challenging assertion. She has no idea how to respond, and turns away, sitting back in the booth and taking her hand off Lily's leg.

Lily catches her wrist, brings her hand to her lips and kisses it just as softly as she did the belly dancer's. Nina can't help but look at her. "Hey, Nina. Why are you so jealous, hmm?"

"That wasn't exactly me," Nina admits, trying to pull her hand away.

"Yes, it was," Lily counters, not letting go. Her lips brush Nina's skin with every word. "Either way, why do you mind so much if I flirt? _You're_ the one going home with me, tonight and every night."

Nina shivers at that, and looks away just as Elias returns to their table. His glance takes in Lily finally relinquishing Nina's hand, and he smiles at the pair of them. "Ladies, can I interest you in some dessert?"

"That depends," Lily says with a wicked smile. "Do you have anything that's sweet _and_ savory? See, I like both."

"I could have guessed that," he tells her, and Nina blushes as Lily chuckles. That's one thing that hasn't changed from the first time they had dinner together; wait staff _always _flirt with Lily. She has that kind of magnetism that brings in men and women alike. Elias continues, "How about some baklava, and some Turkish coffee? And I'll have someone bring some more coals for your hookah."

"Sounds delicious," Lily says, and turns to Nina as if the tense moment between them never happened. "What do you think?"

How is it that she can look into those mismatched eyes and completely fail to be anything but charmed? "You're paying, so it's your choice," Nina says, and doesn't realize she's smiling until she speaks.

"Then I'll follow Elias' excellent taste. He hasn't gone wrong all night – this has really been a fantastic meal."

"Thank you, ladies," Elias says, and disappears. That leaves Nina and Lily looking at each other, the younger girl just grinning.

"What's so funny?" Nina finally says.

"I kinda like you being possessive," Lily tells her at last. "Usually I don't go for the jealous types, but it's different with you." She has an absolutely devilish smile, and uses it now. "In fact it's kind of a turn-on. Maybe I should provoke you a little more often…"

"Don't," Nina says, and her voice is a trifle sharper than she means it to be. As Lily gives her a skeptical look, getting ready to retreat behind her usual cynicism, Nina continues, "Lily, you don't know… If I hadn't stopped it right then, this could've been a huge fight."

"Only if I was willing to fight with you," Lily points out, taking another drag off the hookah.

Nina shakes her head. "You're playing with this like … like I'm not still, you know … dangerous. Lily, I don't want to hurt you."

"You can't," Lily replies serenely, refilling Nina's wineglass.

"I _could_," Nina snaps. "Lily, you _know_ what I … what I thought I did, the night of the premier. Messing with this, provoking it…"

"The night of the premier, I wasn't really there," Lily points out, as if Nina still needs to be reminded how utterly crazy that night was. "If it'd been me instead of your imagination, things would have been different. See, Nina, every time you've hallucinated me, I've been what you needed me to be: seductress or victim, depending on the vision. The truth is a little more complicated."

"What're you saying?" Nina asks in frustration.

Lily runs a finger over her cheek, that gesture that now recalls the torrid kiss in the dressing room as well as the night in the club. Nina can't help going completely still whenever Lily does that. The younger girl drops her voice to a husky murmur. "I'm saying if you hurt me a little, it wouldn't be a bad thing. I was _enjoying_ this morning, Nina. I don't mind a few souvenirs like the mark on my neck – it's turning a very lovely purple, by the way."

Nina blushes at that, at wanting to see that bite, kiss it and remember how Lily's skin tasted during this morning's moment of madness. If only the black swan hadn't intervened and turned things violent, imagine where that could have gone…

Still smiling wickedly, still stroking the curve of Nina's jaw, Lily concludes, "And if you hurt me a lot, more than I want you to, and you don't back off when I say stop … I'll kick your ass."


	27. Fight

Lily's being calculatingly manipulative, and she knows it. She's using sexual tension to keep the older girl's temper in check, but Nina's eyes still widen. "Are you _threatening_ me?" she asks, incredulous.

"No," Lily says gently, dropping her hand to Nina's arm. It's important to touch her, to keep in physical contact, at this moment. Nina won't – very nearly _can't _– pull away from her, and this needs to be said. "You just threatened me, a minute ago. I know you don't mean it like that – you're trying to warn me instead – but you're still telling me that if I don't watch how I act around you, you might hurt me. And I'm warning you right back, Nina. I'm not going to just let you knock me around."

Nina's reply is full of scathing bitterness. "Wonderful. So you're going to be obnoxious when I asked you not to, and when I snap we're going to have one of those horrible hair-pulling fights that go on in the chorale about once a season."

Lily just laughs. "I don't think so. Nina, one of the reasons I'll never have perfect form like you is that I didn't just study ballet. I did five years of aikido, part of my never-being-a-victim-again thing. So I have muscle memory of that, too, and it competes with ballet movements. The upside is, I can take down a guy twice my size, as long as he doesn't have a gun and doesn't get the drop on me."

Nina still looks a little skeptical, and Lily can guess why. "Look, in your dressing room when you pinned me against the wall? And the other night, when you grabbed the costume from me and shoved me? I let you get away with it both times. If I'd decided not to let you, well, it wouldn't have happened."

"Why? Lily, if you could've stopped me, why didn't you?"

"Well, that first time, I _wanted_ you to kiss me," Lily admits. "I only stopped you at all then because I knew you thought you were rolling, and if you'd known you were sober you wouldn't have done it. You're one hell of a kisser, did you know that?"

Nina blushes and looks down. "No… I don't see how. I've only ever kissed a few people."

"Good instincts," Lily tells her with a salacious grin. She's unsurprised by the admission; she's guessed that Nina is a virgin, probably never been in a relationship before. Which makes everything between them all the more hesitant. "Anyway, the second time, I wanted you to be in full black swan mode, and I knew there's really only two things that bring that out in you: sex and violence."

"My therapist says I sublimate both," Nina says quietly.

"And what does he say you should do about it?" Lily asks.

"I'm not sure. He likes me to come up with the answers myself; he says just telling me what to do makes him no better than my mother."

"They're all like that," Lily chuckles.

They manage to stay off potentially incendiary topics during dessert, and by the time they leave both of them are pleasantly buzzed. Lily's laughing as they come through the door of her apartment, turning to lock it behind them, when Nina suddenly grabs her elbow.

She's been expecting this; Nina didn't quite believe her assertion, and means to prove that she _is_ dangerous, that Lily should be careful. So she tries to yank Lily off her feet, spinning her around.

It doesn't go as Nina intends, obviously. Lily yields to the pressure, flows with it and turns it to her own purposes, hip-checking Nina hard enough that _she's_ the one who takes the force of the blow. The last of the momentum she puts into a shove, her forearm against Nina's side, not enough to hurt but surely enough to unbalance her. All she needs then is to slide her foot behind Nina's ankle, and it's over, Nina falling backwards.

Fortunately the size of the apartment means that the sofa bed is right behind her, so Nina falls onto it, a shocked expression on her face. Lily pounces then, landing with one knee over Nina's thigh and her hands locked on Nina's wrists. Unlike the way Nina had her against the wall in her dressing room, Lily's got near total control of how and whether she can move. "Now _this_ is how you pin someone," she whispers, and brushes her lips over Nina's mouth.

Nina bucks her hips upward, arching her back, but she can't escape, and Lily just holds her down with a smile that grows steadily more wicked. For an instant, true anger flashes in Nina's eyes, and she tries again to free herself with a convulsive effort. Again, she fails, and Lily leans in to kiss the curve of her jaw. "Easy, Nina," she whispers, and kisses the pulse point in her throat before releasing her.

Lily expects a bit of retaliation for that, but Nina just pulls herself into a sitting position with wary eyes fixed on Lily. "All right, you made your point," she finally says, sounding just a bit sullen at the defeat.

"Oh, don't sulk," Lily cajoles, tickling Nina's side and getting a startled yelp for her efforts. "C'mon, lie down. It's time for your post-show massage, Swan Queen."

Nina's already relaxed from the wine and the hookah, but she'd never turn down a backrub, and in a few minutes Lily has chased away the last bit of tension in her. Then she nudges Nina over onto her back and works on her feet for a while.

Drowsily, Nina remarks, "You're incredibly manipulative, you know that?"

"Only for your own good," Lily tells her. "Yeah, I was in therapy long enough to figure out how someone's mind works and how to push their buttons, but I promise you I'm not using it against you. For one thing, if I was, I wouldn't let you figure out what I was doing."

Dark brown eyes fix her with a steady stare, and finally Nina asks, "What do you want from me, Lily?"

"I want you to be one hundred percent sane, healthy, and whole," Lily replies.


	28. Questions

One hundred percent sane, healthy, and whole. Nina wants to laugh at that, ask Lily how many years she plans to hang around. Most days Nina's not sure if she'll ever make it to a hundred percent; she'll be satisfied with anything over ninety. A little craziness can be managed, maybe, if she can keep control of her black swan side.

But she's more confused than sarcastic. "Why, Lily? Why do you care?" she asks – no, pleads.

"You don't know?" Lily's voice is uncharacteristically hesitant at that, and Nina stares at her. Is there something here she's supposed to assume? But she can't afford assumptions, not when her perceptions of the world are still so skewed – any conclusion she tries to make would more than likely be fundamentally flawed.

"What do you want from me?" Nina finally whispers, almost shaking with frustration. Lily's as bad as her therapist, answering questions with more questions.

This time, however, she doesn't. This time she leans forward and kisses Nina. The feel of her lips blasts all questions away as Nina returns the kiss, mouths open to each other. Lily tastes like rose and mint and sweet white wine, Nina could so easily lose herself in that…

…but she's aware of the manipulation now, and tears herself away with a gasp. "I asked you a question," she manages to say, heart hammering.

"And I'm answering it," Lily replies, capturing Nina's mouth again.

Is this it? Lily wants to sleep with her – no, this is Lily, she would say she wants to fuck Nina. A shudder runs through the older girl at that phrasing, a dozen images flickering through her mind. She doesn't even have to ask herself if that's what she wants, too. Her whole body cries out for Lily, her touch, her kiss, desperate as a desert for rain.

The black swan, which is the part of her mind that _wants_ so much, leans into Lily, pressing her backwards. Now she can feel the difference, Lily letting her do it, soft and yielding beneath her mouth and hands. It will only take a little more to have Lily on her back underneath her. Lily's making little appreciative sounds, and the black swan insists that she'll have her, _now_, lay her down and take her, kiss and lick so sweetly…

Nina, though, restrains the impulse to just kissing. For her, it's more than mere lust. She wants to hold Lily through the night, protect her from nightmares, spend the days with her too, laugh with her at the juvenile bullshit the other soloists are pulling. Friends with benefits isn't enough, not when she's already in love. And love is something she suspects Lily has as little use for as Nina has experience with.

Knowing that, the idea of the two of them together is a complete train wreck. Lily will break her heart when she moves on to her next obsession, and besides, when Lily figures out just how incredibly naïve Nina is beyond the black swan's passion, she'll be disappointed. Nina can't bear either scenario. Better to keep things as they are, enjoy having a best friend, and try not to think about what could be.

She tries to tear the black swan away from eagerly devouring Lily's mouth, and for a frightening moment she can't do it. Hands in each other's hair, kissing hot and hungry, Nina doesn't have the will to fight her dark side. She wants this, desperately, and to refuse it is madness…

_She'll know, Lily will know I'm a virgin, I'll be clumsy and clueless, and she won't want me once she knows. Or worse, she'll give me everything I want, everything I dreamed of, and then sleep with someone else, never understanding why it breaks my heart._ Those thoughts, those fears, come from the part of her mind directly opposite the black swan, and Nina's finally able to cool her ardor enough to pull away from Lily. Her hands are shaking, and as she presses them to her eyes she mutters under her breath, "I can't keep doing this…"

Lily sighs heavily, falling backwards onto the bed. She murmurs something that sounds like, "You're killing me here," but Nina's not certain of it. She peeks through her fingers at Lily, disheveled and glorious, that long fall of dark hair now thoroughly mussed. Desire twists through her like agony, and she knows if she sits here staring at Lily much longer – the rise of her breasts, the flat sweep of her stomach, the flare of her hips, and oh dear God her graceful legs beneath the skirt that's ridden up while they kissed – if she looks at that much longer Nina will be gone and the black swan will do whatever she wants to.

So she tries to control her shaking enough to nudge Lily's arm and hope it just feels casual. "Roll over; it's your turn," and Lily does so with another sigh. That's right, pretend this is all about trading massages, pretend not to feel the thrill racing up and down her spine as she rubs Lily's shoulders.

Lily still feels uptight, and Nina hesitates, fingertips tracing the edge of the tank top beneath which the lily tattoo disappears. Cautiously, she slides her hands underneath it, trying to find and soothe the knots of tension. That seems to be working, and as the top gathers around her wrists Nina sees more and more of the tattoo. It's a safer focus for her attention than Lily's warm skin, so she says, "Can I ask you something?"

"You can ask me anything," Lily replies drowsily.

That's opening a door of opportunities right there, but Nina simply asks, "Did it hurt? The tattoo?"

"Like a motherfucker," Lily answers with a soft laugh. "It wasn't too bad over muscle, but over my spine and my shoulder blades? Holy shit, it hurt. I had to do the outline all at once and then fill in the shading bit by bit. I knew it was gonna be brutal; I've got another one, but it's a lot smaller."

One question leads to another so easily. "If you knew it would hurt so much, why'd you do it?"

"Because it was mine." That's all, for several long moments, and then Lily adds, "My stepdad, he … he never used to call me by my right name. I got the tat so I'll always be Lily. That, and it's a pretty obvious warning that I'm not a nice, normal girl."

"Is that why you dress the way you do?" Nina asks cautiously. "So people won't think you're nice or normal?"

"Someone should warn them. Nina, come on. I'm not a nice girl…"

"You're nicer than most people I know. The other girls at the studio, they act nice but they'll knife you in a heartbeat. You act mean, but … you've never actually been cruel. Not to me, anyway."

"Yeah, but I like you," Lily replies. "Fine, you got me, Nina. Just don't tell anyone I'm not an evil bitch, okay?"

"How come you don't want anyone to know you're not like that?" To Nina's way of thinking, no one could know Lily the way she does and not be hopelessly smitten with her. To intentionally hide her kindness, her compassion, seems like sabotaging herself.

"The other reason I wear black. It's a symbol of power – go watch _Star Wars_. Darth Vader walks on set, and you know he's the baddest motherfucker around, because he's wearing head-to-toe black in a world of white and gray. I'm Goth, and I act like I don't care, because it makes me seem stronger than I am."

Nina can't believe she's actually getting these answers; maybe Lily had a few more glasses of wine than she suspected. "But you're already so strong…"

Lily laughs, bitterly this time. "Yeah? Then why was I crying in your arms last night?"

Oh, now it makes sense. "You're not weak," Nina tells her, abandoning the massage to curl up beside Lily, holding her close. "C'mon, Lily, you're the one who told me courage is about being afraid and going ahead anyway. Maybe strength is about getting hurt and going on anyway."

Nina can tell she's thinking about that. After a while Lily sits up, turning to look at Nina. The intensity in her eyes is a little frightening. "Maybe. Just maybe. But since we're having a Q & A, Nina, can I ask _you_ something?"

"Of course," Nina tells her. She realizes only then that Lily's changing the subject; something both of them do whenever the conversation gets a little too dangerous.

"Why the hell did you _stop_, this morning?"


	29. Answers

The question takes Nina completely by surprise, but now that it's been said, Lily won't take it back, won't let Nina off the hook. They were so close this morning, and she'd thought it would be then, Nina would finally admit to what they both know she wants … and then Nina freaked out and backed off. Lily has to know why, exactly.

"Lily, I…" Nina's eyes are pleading, but Lily just stares her down, waiting for the answer. "I was … that wasn't entirely me…"

"Bullshit," Lily snaps, just a little angry. Okay, maybe more than a little angry. "Nina, the black swan? It's you. It's everything you don't admit to. It's just _you_, with no brakes. So don't tell me it wasn't you."

"It _is_ me but not quite me, I'm not myself, I'm not in control," Nina pleads.

"You're not the girl you think you are, is what you're saying," Lily retorts. "Nina, do you really think you're the only one in the whole wide world who has a dark side? The only one who gets a little wild, a little out of control?"

"This isn't a _little_ anything!" Nina snaps. "Jesus, Lily, I _bit_ you! If I hadn't stopped it, you'd have more than a huge bruise on your neck!"

"What part of 'I _liked_ it' are you missing?" Lily replies. And since she's angry, she hikes the skirt up and shows Nina the four red lines down the inside of her thigh from where Nina scratched her. "And yeah, in case you forgot, I do have more than just the epic hickey. Nina, I told you, I'm okay with that…"

"I'm not," Nina says sharply, dragging her gaze away from Lily's thigh. "I'm not okay with it, sometimes I don't know if I want to kiss you or bite you, and I'm not okay with that, all right? I can't do this if I don't even know what I want!"

Lily growls in sheer frustration. "You're going to drive _me_ crazy before this is over, you know that?"

Not the best choice of words, and rage flashes in Nina's eyes. Only for a second, and then Nina turns away. When she speaks again, her voice is soft. "Just … give me some time, Lily. I'm … I've almost got it under control…"

"Control is the last thing you need," Lily interrupts. "For fuck's sake, Nina, you had _everything_ under control when I first met you, never a hair out of place, every move in the studio perfect and practiced until you bled the life out of it! You can't _control_ your way out of this, you'll only make it worse – the more you try to force yourself not to do the things your black swan side wants to do, the harder it will be to resist. And then one day you're going to lose it completely…"

"I already did that," Nina snarls at her. "I really thought I killed you, Lily, stabbed and strangled you! I'm not going to let that happen again!" She leaps to her feet, probably meaning to run, but Lily won't let her.

Lily grabs Nina's arm and her control shatters. She takes a swing at Lily, who's surprised enough to barely block it. Years of training, years of practice honed into reflex, and she catches Nina's wrist and pulls her closer. They tumble back onto the bed, and now it's not sweet-girl Nina trying to make a point, it's the black swan side of her, furious and not holding back at all. Lily finds herself actually struggling to keep the upper hand, and when Nina's fingers brush across her throat, the hair on the back of her neck rises. Would she really do it, if she could?

Training trumps rage, and Nina winds up pinned again, this time face-down on the bed with one arm twisted up behind her. They're both panting with exertion, and Lily lets her head drop onto Nina's shoulder, still holding her down. For a few more seconds, Nina struggles, then gradually relaxes.

And when she does, she hitches in a sobbing breath. Lily lets go of her arm to hold her. "Easy, I've got you," she whispers, and Nina turns to burrow into the offered comfort.

It's a roller coaster, with Nina: making out, fighting, and comforting all in the same hour. But Lily has always enjoyed roller coasters, the adrenaline rush, the uncertainty that makes her feel more alive than ever before. She strokes Nina's hair gently as the older girl whispers, "I don't want to lose you."

"I'm not going anywhere," Lily replies, and kisses her forehead. Nina's arms slide around her waist, and for a long moment they simply lie together like that, Nina's face pressed against Lily's neck.

After a while, Lily finally says, "I have an idea." Nina just groans, and Lily musses her hair a bit. "No, really. Look, this whole black swan dark side thing, the reason it's so violent is probably because you've kept it repressed for so long. You're just so frustrated from not letting yourself be anything but perfectly pure and in control."

Nina murmurs against her skin, "That's pretty much what my therapist said, too, that my violent hallucinations were a result of repressed emotions."

"So it's kinda like having a big dog for a pet – if you don't exercise them, they get destructive and aggressive," Lily muses. "Maybe what you need to do, instead of keeping your black swan penned up, is let it out to fly."

Those words have Nina sitting upright in a heartbeat, staring at Lily in horror. "No! Lily, I can't…"

"We'll go clubbing tomorrow night after practice. You wouldn't do anything too outrageous in a public place, so it'll be all right. You can let go, you can dance…"

"The last time I went to a club…"

"No drugs. No drinks, even – except maybe one to loosen you up. Just the music and the crowd, I promise. Nina, come on. I'll be right there, I'll keep you safe. It won't be like last time." Lily's being as persuasive as she knows how, mismatched eyes pleading, and she knows she's on the right track by how hard Nina's resisting. A large part of her doesn't want to be whole, doesn't want to acknowledge her darker self. She walks her fingers up Nina's arm, smiling her most charming smile. "Please? It'll be fun."

Nina closes her eyes and sighs. "Okay, fine. But if anything happens…"

She doesn't get to finish the sentence, because Lily kisses her. "I promise, I'll take care of you."


	30. Threat

When Nina wakes up the next morning, the first thing she remembers is that she and Lily are going clubbing tonight. Excitement flashes through her in spite of her reluctance last night; now that she's agreed, she _has_ to go, Lily won't let her chicken out, so she may as well go and enjoy it.

The second thing she remembers is Thomas' look of disappointment after last night's performance. She has to face him again today, and that quells her happiness. Sighing, she gets up to go about her morning routine – which now includes brushing her teeth while Lily showers, and showering while Lily does her makeup, and half a dozen other careful dances past each other to make sure they can both get ready on time. Nina's always very careful about where she looks during the mornings; it would be too easy to let her eyes slide over to Lily's nude silhouette in the shower and imagine how she looks with warm water running down her bare skin, and then nothing would get done.

They make it to the studio in plenty of time, and ignore the other girls. There's still a vibe from them, some kind of disapproval mixed with envy, but it's not worth Nina's time to argue with them. She's too nervous about what Thomas will say.

Oddly, it turns out that he says nothing at all to her until the very end of practice, when he dismisses them all after seeing her white swan. "Nina, my office," he tells her, and her heart sinks. She'd hoped he had seen enough improvement to forestall a dressing-down, but apparently she was wrong.

Lily hesitates, turning toward them as if she'll follow, but Thomas glares at her. "I did not request you, Lily. Surely the lovebirds can be separated for a few moments?" Those casually cruel words bring a blush to her cheeks, but Lily just rolls her eyes at him and sighs. Nina sees her trying to give her an encouraging look, but it's too late. Nothing can lighten her mood now.

Thomas invites her to take the seat beside his own, and when she does he leans forward, placing one hand on her knee. "Nina, you must listen to me," he tells her, his eyes intense. "You began rehearsing for Swan Lake with a white swan that was perfect, and a black swan that showed enormous potential, if only you could tap into it. You went … a little too deep, _n'est-ce pas_? A little too far, in trying to be the perfect embodiment of both roles. You were magnificent, yes, on your opening night, but at too high a price."

Nina isn't sure what he expects her to say, so she only nods. Thomas pats her leg – his touch is mildly aggravating, but she's too worried about everything else to concern herself with that right now. "So. I see you trying to find the black swan through other channels. Through Lily, whose black swan has always been … ah, she has that _je ne sais quois_, that air of mystery, of allure. You cannot look away from her when she dances – no one can. She has never been so talented as you, not so _perfectioniste_, but she is captivating nonetheless. Am I right?"

"Yes," Nina whispers, thinking, _He knows. He knows I love her. He knows I want her so much I shake with it whenever I watch her dance. He __**knows**__._

"This exchange between you two, whatever it may be, it has benefited Lily greatly. She is a better _danseur_ now than she was when she arrived here. So, she has profited by her … association with you. But what of you, Nina? Have you benefited by your friendship with her?"

"Of course," Nina protests, startled. Can't he tell how far she's come, how much happier she is?

"Are you so certain?" he asks gently. "Your black swan is more reliable, true, but you have only equaled your opening night performance, not surpassed it. And now you are losing the white swan, which is the larger and more important role. By that standard, Lily has been harmful to you."

"But she helps me with so many things, Thomas," Nina pleads, unaware that she's placed her hand over his on her knee, or that she's leaning forward. "Lily … Lily helped me get away from my mother, and she's really been helping me make progress in therapy. She…"

"Yes, and I am not certain I like this living arrangement for you," Thomas interrupts. "Lily has always been … rather casual about practice, sometimes not as punctual as I could wish. I am afraid you will develop her habits."

"She's good for me. You'll see. We're working on the white swan now…" Technically it's a lie, she forgot to even discuss it with Lily, but Nina knows Lily will help her. Always.

"Ah, _c'est bon_. Then if your white swan shows improvement between now and this weekend's final show, I have no need to worry." Thomas smiles, and Nina squeezes his hand in sheer relief. It's then, while she's unprepared for it, that he strikes. "Because I must warn you, Nina, if she becomes detrimental to your success, I will see her removed from this company – and this city."

All the air in the room vanishes; Nina can't breathe. Lily, gone, banished back to California because of her; she can't bear the thought. Thomas is still talking, something banal about referrals to the Boston ballet, but Nina interrupts him, grabbing his hand between both of hers and squeezing it. "No, please no, don't send her away! Thomas, you don't understand, I _need_ Lily and she needs me…"

He silences her with a finger on her lips, his knowing gaze transfixing her. "Then do not fail me."

"I won't," Nina says fervently as soon as he withdraws his hand.

"Very well. Lily stays – for now. You may leave." Nina's so relieved she kisses his hand as she stands up to escape, and Thomas waits until she's at the door to speak again. "Nina?"

"Yes?" She turns to look at him, and there's something sly in his gaze now. Her stomach plummets; he knows her weakness now, knows how to use Lily against her, and anything he wants he can get. Part of her is insisting she doesn't have to cringe before him, but the habit of years is hard to break. He is still her director, and still God amongst his own company, carrying the power of life onstage or death in obscurity over all of them.

"Use this. How you felt, when I told you I would send her away – use it for the final act. You need grief and suffering for the final dance; find it here."

Nina's eyes go wide at the realization of what Thomas just did to her; frightened her, broke her back down to the scared and shaky girl she'd been before Lily arrived in her life, and all to get the perfect dance from her. She'd like to be furious, but the thing is, he's _right_. If she needs inspiration for that tragic leap, all she has to do is imagine losing Lily.

"Thomas?" she says, in the same calm, steady voice she used on Veronica.

"Yes?"

"You are an absolute, ruthless, single-minded bastard."

He shrugs, that quintessentially French gesture, as if accepting a compliment. "I prefer, magnificent bastard, but call me what you will. Only dance for me, Nina, and be magnificent yourself."

She shakes her head and strides out of his office. Lily is absolutely right about him – and any moment now she'll meet up with her so they can go out to lunch as usual. It's a very good thing that they both practice so much; Nina has gained three pounds, but all of it is muscle.

As she walks up the hallway, she sees Veronica and Galina coming toward her. For an instant Galina looks almost pained, but then Veronica laughs nastily and Galina's expression turns into a sneer. "I guess the honeymoon's over," Veronica says coldly.

"You're obsessed, you know that?" Nina sighs. "Every time I speak to Thomas out of your sight for five minutes doesn't mean I'm sleeping with him."

"Oh, I'm not talking about you," Veronica sniggers. "I'm talking about your slutty little sweetheart. She just ran up to some guy outside and _literally_ jumped into his arms. Kissed him, too. You might wanna look into that."

_She's lying,_ Nina tells herself, frozen in the hallway as the other two walk away, and she never sees the pitying glance Galina directs at her. But then, she and Lily have never discussed what they are to each other, never made any claims. Lily hates putting obligations on people because she can't fulfill them herself. Maybe one of those requirements she refuses to accept is fidelity… The longer Nina stands there, the more plausible it starts to sound.


	31. Discussion

**A/N: Sorry for the posting delay; I was up all night worried as hell about my dental appointment this morning. My surgeon was the BEST, it was over in like 5 minutes with no pain whatsoever, and now I can finally stop worrying about that damn broken tooth. Of course, once the Novocain wore off it was a different story and I stayed home from work because the drugs I'm on make me a little too loopy to drive, but hey. It's so worth it. **

**Thank you very much to all of my readers – you're fantastic people. I actually wake up earlier in the mornings just so I can check for reviews. :D And the questions and comments really do inspire me to keep writing.**

…

Lily comes practically skipping back into the studio, beaming as she runs up to Nina. The older girl is frozen, but for the moment Lily is too overjoyed to notice. "Oh my God, Nina, you'll never guess who I just ran into!" she exclaims, grabbing Nina's hands. She's almost bouncing in place; Nina has never seen her this excited.

"Who?" Nina asks, holding herself together by pure force of will. It might not be what Veronica described…

"Kyle!" Lily says, her eyes sparkling.

"Kyle?"

Lily rolls her eyes, her glee uncontainable. "Yeah, Kyle! I know I told you about Kyle. My first ballet instructor. Remember?"

_Gayer than a prancing pink unicorn with rainbow stripes,_ Lily had said, and in the rush of relief Nina begins to speak without thinking. "Oh, the one who…" Nina remembers in time that they're not precisely alone, that voices carry easily in the hallway. She cannot say 'the one who helped you get away from your abusive stepfather'. Instead she settles for, "The one who got you out of trouble."

Lily laughs. "Yeah, and pretty much kept me out of trouble for years. Kyle's like the best gay uncle a girl could wish for. Anyway, I haven't kept in touch since I left San Francisco because my phone got lost on the way here, but it turns out he's in town visiting his boyfriend's parents, and he dropped by to see about getting tickets to Swan Lake while they're here and I saw him outside. And guess what? They're getting married! After like ten years, _finally_, they're getting married this September!"

"That's amazing news," Nina tells her, and her voice is all the warmer for the realization that this man is no threat to her. The two of them head into Nina's dressing room so she can change.

"I know, right?" Lily grins, hopping up on the counter and swinging her feet like a little kid. "And he invited us both to dinner – I told him about you, offered to introduce him to the star of the show, the best dancer in New York…"

"You didn't tell him that! Lily!" Nina exclaims.

"Oh, you _are_, come off it," the younger girl scoffs. "Anyway, I know we hadn't made plans yet so we're going to meet him and David at this Italian place on Thursday night. Isn't that cool? I haven't heard from _anyone_ in Frisco, I haven't had time to look up any of the numbers I lost, now I can finally catch up on all the news about my very own skeevy director and all of my friends back home."

"It is. I'd love to meet him," Nina says. Seeing Lily acting _chipper_ is a mind trip, but a pleasant one. Nina would like to meet the man who put her in such a good mood; she knew Kyle was important to Lily, but until this moment she hadn't guessed how much. With a start, she realizes that without him, she likely never would have met Lily. Kyle was, after all, the one who encouraged Lily to follow her dreams even though they'd been tarnished by her stepfather.

"I wish he could've hung around, but he's meeting David's family for lunch. And besides I didn't know how long Thomas was going to keep you. Speaking of which, what _did_ M'sieur Leroy want?" Lily applies a contemptuous Pepe Le Pew accent to their director's name, which doesn't mask the suspicion in her voice.

"He says I'm losing the white swan, and if I don't get it back by the final performance I'm in trouble," Nina replies, nearly ready.

"Trouble? Like what, he's gonna give the next lead to Veronica? For chrissake, let her _have_ it, maybe she'll shut up."

"No, trouble as in he'd have you transferred to Boston," Nina tells her.

Lily goes very still, and all of the bouncy cheer drains from her expression, immediately making Nina regret telling her. "That smarmy self-righteous arrogant prick, who the _hell _does he think he is?" Lily mutters, and before she can elaborate further Nina interrupts her.

"The director. Lily, I don't even know if he's serious. He scared the hell out of me and told me to use that for the white swan. Maybe he just did it to inspire me for the role…"

"Not that long ago he was trying to _fuck _you into character," Lily spits. "I thought I'd set him straight yesterday, but he's just too much of a manipulative bastard to know when to quit."

"I told him that," Nina tells her.

"You did?" That news brings some of the delight back into Lily's face. "Holy shit, did you really call him a bastard to his face?"

"Yes. And he _agreed_ with me!" Nina can't help it, breaking into laughter, at which Lily soon joins her.

"Oh, man," Lily sighs when they're down to snickering. "I'm not gonna forgive him for it, though. I'll make him regret messing with you – with _us_. We're gonna mind-fuck him so hard by the time we're through."

"As long as it's just his _mind_," Nina retorts. She's almost done changing now.

"As if he'd ever get that lucky," Lily mutters scornfully.

Nina slips on her regular shoes, but hesitates before heading out. "Lily, yesterday…"

"You weren't the only one he threatened," Lily sighs, and tells her exactly what Thomas said to her – and how she shut him down.

Nina's eyes blaze at the thought of his long fingers wrapping around Lily's throat, and she's furious enough at him to laugh at Lily's description of his expression when she nearly bit him. "I can't believe he had the nerve to threaten us both."

Lily shakes a cigarette out of the pack, holding it ready to light up the moment they step outside. "Yeah, well, the only thing he cares about is the show. If threatening us will make us better dancers, then that's what he'll do. Bastard."

On that note they leave, walking to the subway and then off to lunch. Nina can't help taking little glances at Lily the entire time; she makes even mundane things like stepping through the subway turnstile graceful. Nina may be the more technically perfect dancer, but Lily has a natural, unthinking grace that Nina envies deeply.

It's then, watching Lily's hips sway as she walks slightly ahead, that Nina remembers again: they're going clubbing tonight. All of a sudden she can't wait to get through lunch and afternoon practice.


	32. Anticipation

Home again, and Nina might think she's hiding it, but she looks delighted to be going clubbing with Lily again. Lily just smirks a little as they come through the door. "So, there's one thing I didn't tell you."

"What's that?" Nina asks warily.

"We're going to a Goth club. Well, a sort of alt/punk/Goth mash-up kind of place." She watches Nina's expression carefully, but the older girl just raises an eyebrow, waiting for Lily to get to the point. "So, I don't think you really have any clothes that'll suit the atmosphere. But it's okay, because we're about the same size and I have plenty of stuff. Sound good?"

"Sounds fine," Nina replies, still watching her.

"And you really need just a _little_ more makeup to fit in," Lily continues, aware that Nina's caught on to her plans. "Basically if it's okay with you, I'm gonna Goth you up for the night."

"You're going to dress me up as you, in other words," Nina muses.

"Yeah, pretty much," Lily admits. "It'll be fun though."

"I wonder what my therapist would think of this?" Nina wonders aloud, but she follows Lily into her bedroom anyway.

"He'd probably just ask how _you_ feel about it," Lily replies, throwing open her closet doors. She glances over her wardrobe and then turns to Nina, eyes narrowing as she tries to decide what will suit her best.

Nina smiles without answering that, and runs her hand over the outfits hanging there. Lily's closet is predominantly black, with some white and gray and silver, and a few splashes of dark jewel tones. Still thinking, Lily rakes through her wardrobe, pausing at a lovely backless dress – but it takes a bit more audacity than Nina currently has to show off that much skin.

It's not the world's most organized closet, and Nina apparently gets impatient with Lily's flipping back and forth. She starts at one end and pushes the clothes aside before Lily can warn her.

Nina blinks, her eyebrows going up, at the collection of lingerie she's just uncovered. Corsets, teddies, merry widows, a smorgasbord of satin and lace and ribbon: sexy lingerie is one of Lily's favorite self-indulgences, and she keeps all of these pieces hanging up in the closet so they won't lose their shape in a drawer. She wasn't going to show it all to Nina, suspecting how she'd react, but now that the other girl has seen it she's starting to blush. Probably picturing Lily in each outfit.

Lily slides the lingerie aside to get back to regular clothes, smiling a little. "Now _those_ you can't borrow. Sorry, I draw the line at sharing lingerie."

Nina chuckles a little at that, and they get back to searching the wardrobe in earnest. Ultimately Lily talks her into a ruffled skirt and a shapely silk blouse, both black of course. The skirt is shorter than Nina would normally wear, hitting about mid-thigh, but Lily persuades her. Fortunately she has the sheer hose to wear beneath it, and even more fortunately a pair of Lily's heels fit her comfortably.

"Go on and take your shower while I figure out what I'm wearing," Lily tells Nina, and notices the extra little lift in her step when she moves away. Yeah, she's looking forward to this evening in spite of herself, and knowing it makes Lily grin.

As Nina comes out of the bathroom and Lily heads in, the younger girl stops her. "Leave the blouse off when you get dressed. I don't want to get powder or anything all over it." That gets another incredulous look, but when Lily steps out of the shower a few minutes later, Nina's sitting on the edge of her bed and wearing only a black bra above the waist. Lily hadn't even known she owned any dark lingerie; it looks damn good on her, the contrast with her pale skin.

Lily catches herself before she makes a teasing comment; Nina's clearly a little nervous now. "Gimme a minute to get ready and I'll do your makeup," she tells the older girl, heading into her bedroom. It only takes her a moment to slide into her own outfit: a shorter skirt than Nina's which shows off the lace tops of her stockings, one of her fancy black tank tops, and a sheer blouse. The parts that aren't embroidered are actually see-through, which necessitates the extra layer underneath.

On second thoughts, she'd better leave the blouse off for the moment; Lily hates getting makeup on her clothes. "Come in here, I've got better light," she calls, pulling out the chair in front of the vanity. On a whim, she turns it so Nina won't be able to see her reflection as Lily works.

Nina's already applied foundation and powder, so when she sits down Lily can get right to work. "Close your eyes," she says, and Nina does. The first touch of the brush against her eyelids seems to startle her, but then she holds steady.

Lily's going for something lighter and shimmerier than her own usual look, but with enough smokiness to bring out the deep, warm brown of Nina's eyes. It doesn't escape her notice that while she's doing this, she's leaning into Nina's personal space, close enough for the older girl to savor her perfume. Each time she touches Nina's face, to tilt her chin up a little more or to brace her hand, Nina catches her breath just slightly. _You've got it bad,_ Lily thinks with a slight smile, wondering what would happen if she just gave up and kissed Nina right then.

Probably they'd wind up on the nearby bed, and after yesterday, Lily's not so eager to provoke Nina's black swan side. At least not without some kind of control over what happens. For the first time, she doubts herself and her ability to handle Nina's issues. The memory of Nina's fingers brushing across her throat, seeking the strangling grip Nina described from her hallucinations, is still very clear.

_I promised her,_ Lily tells herself. She makes few promises, and never goes back on them. Besides, she was able to keep both of them safe even when Nina was actually trying to hurt her. Surely she can cope with the older girl's dark side when all it wants is freedom – and sex.

She traces the edge of Nina's eyelids with iridescent black liquid eyeliner, then smudges the line with a little powdered eyeliner on a brush. Then Lily goes back over that with a bit of silver liquid eyeliner, just at the outside corners of her eyes for a bit of flare. "There," she finally says. "All you need is mascara and lipstick, and you can do that yourself. Have a look." Lily steps back and lets Nina turn toward the mirror at last, wondering how she'll react to what she sees.


	33. Clubbing

For an instant, Nina doesn't recognize herself. She's spent the last several minutes trying not to shiver under each feather-gentle touch, trying not to think about the way the clothes she's wearing still smell faintly of Lily, or the way the spicy scent of Lily's perfume teases her nose every time Lily leans closer. Having to keep her eyes closed and stay still, she'd wished for Lily to kiss her, wanted it so much she could almost feel Lily's silken lips brush her own.

And now she opens her eyes to see a stranger in the mirror – or not quite. Lily has turned her doe eyes into a predator's striking stare; it's unsettling. More disturbing to realize that Lily herself is wearing no makeup yet, while Nina's eyes are intensely lined and shadowed. It's as if they've switched places, Lily the innocent, Nina the dangerous one.

"Dark red, I think, for the lipstick," Lily muses. In the back of Nina's mind something wakes, and says, _Yes._ For the first time she feels black wings stirring and doesn't even try to hold her darker self back.

Nina carefully applies black mascara and deep red lipstick as Lily quickly does her own makeup. She expected them to look alike, even more so than usual, but once both of them are made up to the same degree it's the differences Nina sees. Lily's face is a little less oval, and her striking mismatched eyes stand out even more.

Stretching her neck, Nina regards the both of them, her eyes lingering over the shadow of Lily's cleavage, the hollow of her throat, the glossy perfection of her lips. Lily catches her staring and grins. "No way. I spent too much effort getting us both to look perfect to smear it all with kissing."

"Are you reading my mind?" Nina asks.

"No, your face. Your eyes are saying _kiss me_ pretty loudly there." Lily strokes the curve of her jaw, and Nina's eyes slide closed for an instant.

When they open again, it's mostly the swan who looks up at Lily with naked hunger in her eyes. "Come on, throw your shirt on and let's get going," Lily says, moving away from her deliberately.

In the cab, Nina's losing herself minute by minute, watching as the streetlights paint Lily's face in alternating shadows and bright contrast. She remembers being in the cab with Lily after that first club – but no, that was a hallucination, Lily was never there. Still, Nina can remember how she looked, wrapped in this same black coat, an inch of smooth thigh exposed between the skirt and her hose, and this time it's Nina's who lets her hand wander over the space between them.

Lily just looks at her, holds her gaze steady, as Nina runs her knuckles up and down the outside of Lily's thigh. The black swan wants to go further, slide her hand between Lily's legs, make her throw her head back and stifle a moan, but there's still enough of Nina left to prevent that. Lily smiles, and then they arrive at the club.

The outside of the building is nothing impressive, just a dark cinderblock square with a neon sign reading "Imperiale" above the door. The people on the sidewalk outside, though, are like nothing Nina's ever seen before. Women in miniskirts and corsets, men wearing more eyeliner than Nina does, hairstyles and colors more reminiscent of exotic birds than humans, a young woman casually smoking a cigarette while holding a dog leash attached to the collar around a shirtless young man's neck… _This_ is Lily's scene? No wonder nothing seems to freak her out.

They step into darkness, a throbbing bass beat wrapping itself around them. After a moment Nina can pick out violins and male voices in the music, which sends a shiver down her spine for reasons she can't quite explain. Lily's holding her hand, bringing her over to the bar, where a bartender with tattoos and piercings all over his face takes her order for two Purple Hazes and hands them both over.

Lily has to lean close to Nina's ear to be heard. "When we go out on the dance floor, don't get too close to the center. It can get like a mosh pit out there, and neither of us needs to break anything. Just stick with me and you'll be all right."

The music is haunting and melancholy, with a powerful beat that seems to insist that Nina just let go. She can't resist any longer. The black swan is right at home here, in this shadowy club full of anonymous and strangely beautiful people. Nina downs the last of her drink and heads for the dance floor, but it's the black swan who starts moving to the beat, face to face with Lily.

Lily's lips frame the words "That's it" but the only sound is the music, swirling through their veins, stirring the black swan's feathers, making her heart pound in time with the rhythm. She's loose at last, free to spread her wings.


	34. Darkness

This is one of Lily's better plans, and it's working out exactly as she hoped. Nina's dancing more freely than ever before, moving to the beat with her eyes half-closed. It's actually quite a surprise that she's loosened up this much with just one drink.

Maybe some of it is the clothes and the makeup. The first time Lily stepped into a Goth club, dressed to the max, she felt like someone else, like a completely new person with no relation to everyday Lily. Wild, free, and just a little dangerous. She smiles at the memory; that night she'd stayed 'til closing, and wound up having sex with the bartender – on top of the bar. Lily had been barely eighteen, and all she could remember about the bartender was that he'd had permanent fangs attached to his top canine teeth and piercings in places she'd never seen metal before.

Nina spins away from her for a second, and just that quickly Lily has a cute Goth boy in front of her, looking to dance. No reason not to, but she sidesteps slightly so she can keep Nina in sight. The older girl is dancing with another boy, her hands on his shoulders grinning up at him wickedly, and Lily smiles. _Flirt all you want, just don't do anything too crazy,_ she thinks, and lets her boy put his hands on her waist.

They dance to the Cruxshadows and She Wants Revenge, to old favorites like Bauhaus and Siouxsie and the Banshees, and in the midst of it they both swap partners a couple of times. At one point they dance together, Nina running her fingers through Lily's hair and smiling wickedly at her. Lily returns the grin and puts a little extra sway in her hips. "Having fun?" she asks, knowing Nina can't hear her but can read her lips. Nina just nods, her eyes sultry.

Two songs after that, Lily's startled to catch sight of Nina dancing with two girls, one blonde and one black-haired, nearly kissing the blood-red lips of the darker one. Sudden jealousy twists through her, but she forces it down. It's just a kiss, not even a kiss really, and she brought Nina out here to let her wild side loose. Why is she surprised? This is exactly what Nina needs to get out of her system.

The boy she's dancing with offers to get her a drink, but Lily shakes her head. She promised Nina she'd stay sober, and explains that to the boy, her lips moving almost against his ear to be heard. In those few seconds, as he steps away from her to go to the bar, she's lost track of Nina. The two girls Nina was just dancing with are now sidling up to some guy, and Nina's disappeared.

_Shit!_ Lily thinks, looking around desperately. She knows Nina's not completely in her right mind at the moment; she could be doing _anything_ with anyone right now. She promised to take care of Nina, and she's already screwing that up. Lily scans the dance floor, but it's too dark, and she doesn't see Nina anywhere.

Growing worried, Lily starts to search for Nina. She can't find her on the dance floor anywhere, so she heads toward the restrooms. In this club they're at one end of a long, almost pitch-black hallway, with management offices behind a door at the far end. Lots of people tend to make out in that corridor, and Lily hopes Nina isn't one of them. She's heard about what happened at the other club, when Nina found herself kissing some random skinhead.

Jealousy isn't normally Lily's thing. She's had several non-exclusive relationships that worked out just fine, from her point of view. But thinking about Nina fooling around with someone else, other lips on Nina's neck, someone else's hand under Nina's skirt, makes her see red. Maybe they should've discussed this beforehand, set some limits, but if Nina's black swan side is in control the way Lily's almost sure it is, maybe no amount of discussion could hold her back.

Nina isn't in the hallway, and Lily's about to step into the ladies' room to look for her when she feels a hand on her shoulder. She turns and sees dark eyes, and the expression in them is so fierce that for a second she doesn't recognize her friend. "Nina! I've been looking for you…"

"I've been looking for _you_," Nina replies, and kisses her, winding one hand into Lily's hair as she presses her against the wall. Lily gasps in surprise and Nina deepens the kiss, smearing both of their lipstick in her haste.

And then her free hand catches Lily's wrist and pins it to the wall above her head. A shiver of alarm runs counter to the pleasure of the kiss, and she pulls against Nina's grip, her free hand catching Nina's shoulder. "Hey, Nina, don't…"

Nina silences her with another kiss, pressing her knee between Lily's legs. Lily gasps in surprise, and that quickly Nina has hold of her other wrist, pinning it to the wall as well. When she leans back the smile on her lips is full of darkness. "Do you really think I'm Nina right now?"

She doesn't even look like herself, in all that makeup, with that fierce joy in her eyes, and a chill runs down Lily's spine. She won't let that show, arching an eyebrow at the black swan. "You _are_ Nina, whether you admit it or not."

The other chuckles, a rich sensual sound, and then purrs a reply. "Nina would never do _this_." She leans in for another kiss, taking Lily's lower lip between her teeth and flicking her tongue over it even as she bites down.

Lily barely stifles a whimper of pain and arousal. Damn, Nina knows how to push all her buttons, and what _she_ knows, her darker half can use. "Bet she will," she manages to say, when the black swan will let her.

"But not this," comes the murmured reply, and then she's nipping along Lily's jaw, nibbling her earlobe, and kissing the bite from yesterday morning. Lily left the concealer off; this is a Goth club, bite marks on necks are almost part of the dress code, and now she's arching her back as Nina's tongue traces the marks of her teeth. Such a delicate caress on the swollen skin, it's driving Lily wild even though she knows where this is leading. It's where she wants to go, but not when or how, and the black swan isn't giving her much choice. "You're mine," the dark one whispers, and rubs her knee teasingly between Lily's legs.

It's been a long time since Lily let anyone have this kind of power of her. She'd love to do it, love to surrender again, but not like this. Not to only half of Nina, not when later on Nina will be horrified at what she did and deny it was her at all. And preferably not in semi-public, either. So before the black swan can bite down again, Lily has to get loose.

She inadvertently showed Nina exactly how to immobilize someone, so now she's caught – but not quite. Lily still has a few tricks she hasn't taught Nina, and pinned to a wall is quite different than pinned to a bed. She places the heel of her shoe against Nina's instep and brings her weight down. That makes Nina pull away, and gets her knee out from between Lily's thighs as she yanks the injured foot back.

Lily has to time it just right, for the moment when Nina's already moving and therefore off balance. Breaking Nina's hold on her wrists is deceptively simple in that perfect instant of opportunity; all she needs to do is lift both feet off the ground. Dancers are stronger than they look, but Nina's not strong enough to hold Lily's entire body weight by her pinned wrists; her grip is too narrow and too high above both their heads.

Lily slides out of Nina's grasp and lands on the balls of her feet. She's fast, quicker than Nina _or_ her dark side, and stepping on Nina's foot put the other girl just slightly off center. In a second Lily's reversed their positions, Nina's back against the wall, Lily pinning her there with an arm across her throat.

Wrath flares in those dark eyes, and Lily leans close. To anyone watching, this looks like foreplay; it practically is anyway. She nuzzles against Nina's ear and whispers, "Listen up, you. My name is Lily, not Leda, and I have no interest in fucking a swan. It's all or nothing, you hear me? I won't do this by halves. I want _Nina_, all of her, light and dark and every shade of gray. Not just the parts she's afraid to admit to. So until you come to me whole and willing, this isn't happening. Understand?"


	35. Closer

The black swan hisses angrily, struggling against Lily's sure hold. For the moment her words have no meaning in the tide of frustrated wrath that is the swan denied. But the swan isn't the only one listening. _You were wrong,_ Nina tells her dark side triumphantly. _You were wrong, it __**isn't**__ you she wants!_

_Without me you're nothing, scared sweet girl,_ comes the taunting reply in her own mind. _She doesn't want you either, shy little mouse, afraid to touch, afraid to speak._

For a long moment Nina's frozen, fighting her dark side for control, the struggle only showing in the way her eyes blaze and her lip curls into a snarl. Meanwhile, Lily's waiting patiently, holding Nina pinned to the wall, and no one else has noticed them. On the inside, it's war, ferocious and unforgiving. The battle rages, worsening the black swan's anger and Nina's fear. What if someday she _can't_ rein in her vicious side? She remembers, too well, her hands reaching for Lily's throat as her vision went red with fury. Nina redoubles her efforts, using every ounce of will to try to restrain her darker half.

Nina's winning, at last, but the black swan hasn't given up, and it has much less to lose. "You think you can resist me?" the dark one whispers harshly, rolling her hips against Lily. It's strangely both savage and seductive. "You can't. I _will _have you."

"Not like this," Lily insists, and her voice is implacable. Still, she softens it with a kiss against the curve of Nina's jaw. It's the combination of sternness and kindness that gets Nina's attention; amazingly, Lily's not _angry_ with her.

At that, Nina abruptly stops trying to fight her dark side, and feels a moment of surprise from the black swan, as if they were in a tug-of-war and she suddenly let go of the rope. She remembers that Lily was the one who told her she couldn't _control_ her way out of this, and her therapist has said much the same thing. Both of them together can't be wrong; Nina is wise enough to admit that her own instincts to suppress and smother probably aren't the best course of action.

Instead of fighting against it, for once she tries only to moderate the swan's impulses. _Go easy, there's no point in fighting her __**or **__each other,_ she suggests. _She cares for us both; we all want the same thing._ The tension slowly bleeds out of her body as Nina and her dark side pause for breath, and Lily slowly releases her, watching her carefully.

That wariness stings Nina. She never wanted to hurt Lily, _never_. "I'm sorry," Nina whispers, feeling ashamed at having repaid Lily's generosity with so much drama and violence. She feels a stab of resentment from the swan at the same moment that Lily's eyes go steely.

"Sorry's a worthless word," Lily tells her quietly. "And you have nothing to apologize for, Nina."

She doubts that – Lily is still eyeing her cautiously, on guard against another attempt to pin her against the wall, and Nina hates making her so wary. Lily should be able to trust her, always, to know that Nina cares for her and wouldn't hurt her, but instead she has to take care that Nina's dark side doesn't suddenly spring up and attack her. Still, Lily was the one who suggested this, the one who invited the black swan out to play, and she knew the risks when she did. That's probably why she won't accept an apology; she already knew what could happen and judged the risk worth it to help Nina.

If Lily won't accept verbal apologies, maybe something else will make it up to her, a different way to ask forgiveness and demonstrate her regret at putting them both through this mess. So Nina leans in and kisses Lily's lips, soft and sweet. For a single instant then, she and the swan are in perfect harmony. Lily returns the kiss gently, the taut wariness disappearing from her as her hands slide into Nina's hair.

_Yes,_ Nina and the black swan both think at the same instant, and it's as one being that Nina's arms encircle Lily's waist. They share the same desires, at that moment, and there's no resistance from Nina, nothing to fight against, only the aching sweetness of Lily's lips against her own.

It can never quite be simple, though, not with the electrifying thrill that races through Nina's body whenever she's close to Lily – and now she has the beautiful girl in her arms. She's not sure whether it's herself or the swan that deepens the kiss, tasting the ghost of the drinks they'd had earlier on Lily's tongue. Either way it's perfect, and Nina thrills to think that _this_ is what she's working toward, this is how it feels to have her mind whole and not fractured into warring selves.

Lily presses herself close, and Nina thinks at her dark side, _No need to force her, she wants this_. She gets a murmur of agreement from the black swan as Lily gives a little moaning sigh against her lips. The sound sends shivers down Nina's spine, and in the heat of this she's entirely forgotten where they are.

Drunken giggles startle her back to full awareness, and Nina lifts her head to stare as another couple comes staggering down the hall, oblivious to their presence. Lily snickers in amusement as the other couple crashes against the opposite wall. "Let's get out of here. It just got a little too crowded for my taste," Lily says in Nina's ear.

She pulls away, and the black swan wants to grab her arm, keep her close, yank her back if necessary. Nina reflexively stamps down that impulse, and the tentative accord between the two halves of herself shatters. At least it leaves Nina in control.

Lily catches her hand and smiles wickedly. "C'mon, it's time to go dance," she says, laughing.

Nina remembers the line, and smiles as she follows her back onto the dance floor. Already the swan is stirring from defeat, with less wrath than Nina's used to feeling. She can finally admit that this wasn't such a bad idea after all.


	36. Realization

Lily and Nina leave only when the club closes, and catch a cab home as planned. Nina leans her head on Lily's shoulder, smiling an exhausted triumphant grin. Lily can't help but adore her in that moment, seeing her finally so at peace.

_This is how it could be, all the time,_ she thinks, needing the reassurance. Lily doesn't subscribe to denial; she may not have shown it to Nina, but the past two days have knocked her off kilter. It's been a long time since anyone interfered with her sense of personal balance the way Nina does; a long time since she craved anyone the way she does Nina. That little bit of seduction in the club definitely left her hot and bothered, no matter how resolute she sounded at the time.

Yet Nina's frightened her a time or two, something few have accomplished. The older girl is incredibly quick on the uptake; Lily can't use the same trick twice with her. Nina picked up on the fact that Lily _does_ like a little pain in her pleasure, a little something savory to accentuate the sweetness, and her dark side promptly used it to try to seduce her. At the same time she used the pinning technique Lily showed her the previous night. Lily can't dodge the truth; if she hadn't been able to outwit the black swan, she would've gotten fucked tonight in the back of the club – with or without her consent.

Worse, there's a little shiver wanting to run down her spine at that thought. How screwed up is she that the thought of being forced like that turns her on? Lily looks out the window with a wry smile. Maybe she ought to know better, with her history, but with Nina the idea is as sexy as it is disturbing. Surrendering to Nina, letting her have her wicked way, letting Nina pin her and just _take_ her… If it had been all of Nina, if she hadn't thought it would be denied later, Lily might've done it just to release the sexual tension steadily building between them. It's been a long time since she wanted anyone this much.

And if she's utterly honest with herself, it's because this with Nina is so much more than wanting. The very same things that occasionally frighten her about the black swan – her boldness, her intelligence – are also incredibly attractive, the very things she likes best when she sees them appear in the sweeter side of Nina.

Nina is a match for her, someone she can't quite control or predict; it puts them on equal footing in the relationship. And a relationship is what this is, not friends with benefits. Maybe the first real relationship in a very long time, and a small part of Lily wants to run from that. A relationship, with _this_ particular girl, who has so many issues? Her friends in California would laugh in disbelief.

Part of the reason why Lily hasn't called it quits is that she promised to help Nina, true, but no promise should hold her once she feels herself threatened. She was the one who told Nina not to let anyone put that kind of hold on her, so she can't say she's staying for Nina's sake. Not even though she suspects that to break things off now might ruin Nina, might drive her to further madness or even suicide, would at least undo all the progress Nina's made.

It can't be like that, it can't all be about an obligation. Lily walked away from the photographer, and from her director in San Francisco, and from several fellow dancers as well as a host of other lovers, all without feeling a twinge of pain or shame at ending the relationship. No one owns her, she is always free to leave when things go sour, but she won't leave Nina.

Maybe she's crazy. Other women believe their lovers don't mean to hurt them, blame themselves for the black eyes and broken bones. Lily has always scoffed at them, always said she'd get the fuck out the instant anyone tried to hurt her or do anything against her will. Yet here she is, despite Nina's hallucinations of murdering her, Nina's fingers against her throat last night, and Nina pinning her to the wall of the club tonight. She can't even say that it wasn't Nina who did those things, since she's the one insisting the black swan _is_ Nina. So why hasn't she called this off?

_Shit, I've gone and fallen in love with her,_ Lily realizes, as Nina is falling asleep on her shoulder in the cab. It's been a very long time since she was in love, and that always ended badly for her. But Nina … Nina is something else. Nina is strong enough to fight her, hopefully strong enough to fight _for_ her. And even though she's been physically threatened more than once now, in her heart of hearts Lily can't believe that Nina would actually hurt her. Even the black swan in her most towering rage, if Lily had only lain down under her and let her have her way last night, she truly believes the wrath would have melted into desire.

Lily presses her lips to the top of Nina's head, and the other girl sighs contentedly. "This is just what I needed," she murmurs sleepily. "Thank you, Lily – thank God I met you when I did."

She should just leave it alone, but with everything she's been thinking rolling around in her head Lily can't help but reply, "Are you so sure about that? I mean, I was kind of the catalyst for wrecking your whole life."

"My life's better with you in it – everything you shattered was what needed to break so I could be free," Nina tells her, and nuzzles her shoulder.

_For better or for worse, I'm in this 'til the end,_ Lily thinks, and then she's dozing off too.


	37. Progress

The next day, Monday, Nina is as close to perfect as she's ever been, in spite of having shorted her sleep the night before. The black swan is a tempest of seduction and by the looks on the male dancers' faces, Thomas' question of a few months ago would get a very different answer now. The white swan is as beautiful and tragic as ever, the final piece carrying such sorrow and grief that Lily momentarily has to look away, glad her mascara is waterproof. She's seeing Nina at the height of her powers, utterly magnificent, and even Thomas finds nothing more than a few tiny technical changes to make to her performance.

Monday night, they go out again. Nina's all over her in the cab on the way to the club, the black swan rising hot-blooded and eager, Nina herself not far behind. Lily has to remind herself that this is someone who's never admitted to being attracted to her no matter how much she shows it, never even said 'girlfriend' aloud, someone who not long ago honestly thought drugs were the only excuse for kissing a girl. She's _not_ doing this if it's going to be denied later, if Nina is going to try and say it wasn't her. No way in hell will she let Nina have her under those circumstances. No way will she hand over the keys to her soul if the gift isn't going to be acknowledged later on. Lily's not that desperate, yet; she meant what she said Sunday night and stands by it. It doesn't make it any less difficult to say no, to keep Nina's hands from slipping under her blouse, and they arrive at the club already looking as if they've been dancing for hours, hair mussed and lipstick smeared.

That night Nina learns more about the power of confidence and tries out her newfound seductiveness on others. The black swan has her dancing with mostly men, but leaves all of them panting in her wake to return to Lily time and time again. When they dance together it seems to raise the temperature of the entire room, whether twined so close they're sharing each other's breath, or at arm's length daring each other to dance faster and spin tighter. Once again they stay late, and as they walk to the cab Nina slides her arm around Lily's waist. Both of them are exhausted and exultant in equal measure, buzzed from liquor and the admiration of the other club-goers, but the ride home is subdued in spite of the heady feeling swirling around them both. Nina's tired enough to be content with a few kisses, slow and searching, and once back in the apartment both of them can think of nothing but getting showered and going to sleep.

Tuesday, the sleep deprivation is beginning to show, and Thomas scolds. Lily's form is off too, once she realizes that they won't be going anywhere tonight – Nina promised her mother she'd have dinner with her tonight. The thought turns Lily's stomach with worry, and during lunch she picks at her food until Nina teases her gently. "I'm just worried," she finally admits. "I don't trust your mom."

Nina simply takes her hand and tells her, "I'll be home as soon as I can." That Lily's apartment has now become home to Nina reassures her more than anything else. It's no easier to watch her walk out, though. Lily does _not_ mope around the place after Nina leaves; she orders Chinese and watches some television, trying not to worry.

Still, it's getting late on Tuesday night when Lily finally hears Nina's key turn in the lock. She's on her feet by the time it opens, having spent the past several hours worrying about this in spite of her resolve. Lily knows perfectly well that Erica Sayers has spent those hours either cajoling or haranguing Nina, most likely both, and that it's been hell. Her own therapist once told her, 'Parents always know how to pull our strings. They're the ones who tied them in place.'

The Nina who walks in is a shadow of herself, her shoulders slumped, her eyes downcast and haunted. Lily hates Erica then with a burning vitriolic passion; everything she's done over the past weeks to bolster Nina's confidence seems to have vanished in a single evening. But she's more worried about Nina than furious with her psychotic mother, so she gathers the older girl into her arms.

Wordlessly, Nina buries her face in the crook of Lily's shoulder, shuddering a little. They stand like that for long moments, Lily rubbing her back gently. "Wanna talk about it?" Lily murmurs after a while.

Nina shakes her head slowly, squeezing Lily a bit tighter. Clearly all she wants is comfort, to be held by someone who isn't trying to mold and smother her. Lily kisses her cheek and strokes her hair, but Nina can't seem to get enough, still not taking a step back. She's almost shivering now, and Lily can't bear to see her like this.

"Come to bed with me," Lily whispers, and that surprises Nina so much it breaks through her sorrow, making her snap her head up to stare with startled brown eyes. Lily quickly amends, "Just to sleep, I promise. But it's late, and I'll feel better with you beside me. You'll feel better, too. Come on, Nina."

With a long sigh, Nina nods, and follows her into the bedroom, stopping only to grab some pajamas. Lily gets changed quickly, not even trying to tempt Nina with glimpses of her body, and then slides into bed, folding the covers back for Nina.

In bed, Nina turns to her almost blindly, snuggling in with her cheek resting on Lily's chest, arms around Lily's waist. Lily holds her, sliding one leg over Nina's knee to pull her still closer. Entwined like that, Nina finally breathes a sigh of relief and stops trembling. "I'm so lucky to have you," she murmurs softly.

"So am I," Lily tells her, rubbing her back gently. "Nina, what happened?"

"She made my favorite dinner," Nina begins, and for a long moment doesn't go on. "It was nice, at first. It felt _safe_, almost like home again. I miss her, Lily. She's my mom; I love her, I miss her, even after everything she did."

Lily doesn't say she misses her own mother. She did, for a while, but eventually she came to think of her foster parents as her _real_ parents and her biological mother as just that – a vessel of sorts, not really a parent at all. From what she knows of Erica, if she was in Nina's place she'd just walk away and never look back.

It doesn't matter though, now that Nina's started talking she can't seem to stop. "Everything was okay, and I was feeling pretty nostalgic I guess; I know you've only seen the worst of it, but Lily, she's my _mom_. We had good times together, we had fun, and she does love me. She _does_. Most of her problem is that she loves me too much. And then after dinner she started talking about wanting me to move back in, that things would be different, she wouldn't try to hold me back anymore."

Lily bites her lip before speaking, choosing her words carefully. "She probably means what she's saying, Nina, probably believes it would be like that, but…"

"It wouldn't. I know. She's like an addict, Lily. If I moved in right now it'd be like … like letting a pill junkie work in a pharmacy. She means well but she wouldn't be able to stop herself."

Lily smiles slightly in the dark; it's an apt comparison, but the one that leaps to mind first is 'letting an alcoholic work as a bartender', and she knows Nina chose another analogy out of deference to her past. "You've got it exactly right," she whispers. "Until she gets some help, she can't really be around you that much."

"And I told her no, this was home, I was staying with you," Nina murmurs, and nuzzles against Lily's throat.

Her lips brush the thin skin there, and Lily tries not to shiver; this is a serious discussion, dammit. It's not a good time to start getting turned on. She can't help it if her voice is a little faint when she replies, "So how did she take that?"

"Badly," Nina whispers against her skin, and shudders. Lily strokes her hair until she continues. "At first … at first she was angry. She said you were bad for me, you'd lead me astray, you'd get me into all kinds of wicked things, alcohol and drugs and God knows what else… She was hysterical almost, the things she said. And I told her … you were the best thing that could've happened to me, that you were helping me, and she laughed and said what _kind_ of help, and I got angry too…"

Lily can imagine Erica Sayers in a fury, practically foaming at the mouth. It's all so much high school bullshit she thought she'd left behind a long time ago. She _was_ that girl everyone's mothers warned them about, the one who smoked behind the gym, the one doing a lot more than just sleeping at sleepovers. And why the hell not? All teenagers were curious, and Lily had had a lot of therapy to bring her around to the belief that sex wasn't inherently evil and bad and hurtful. Besides, it made her feel good about herself, to be desired, to see the haze of lust in someone's eyes, to know she could make their dreams come true – or tell them no, it was _her_ choice, no one would ever take that from her again.

Nina's quite still now, her voice soft. "I didn't turn on her, Lily. I could've, I wanted to, but I didn't want her to know she got to me. So I told her to leave it alone, if she was going to talk that way about you then I was leaving, and I got up to go."

Lily knows exactly what happened next. "Let me guess – she cried, said she missed you so much it was making her crazy, that she didn't mean those things she said. Only it's so hard without you, so hard being an old woman living all alone."

Nina leans back, meeting Lily's gaze. "How did you know?"

"I've dealt with manipulative people before," is all Lily will say. This isn't about her past now, it's about Nina's present.

"Yeah, she did all that, and I felt sorry for her, and I promised to come visit, but only if she would lay off trying to get me to come home. It's not going to happen and she needs to realize that. I'm happier with you. And … and you're safer, if something happens, than she is. I hurt her before, Lily, that night before I danced Swan Lake the first time, I hurt her on purpose, and she can't … she can't stand up to me like you can. I'm afraid, if nothing else, I'd be afraid of hurting her really bad, if I went back."

If anyone ever deserved a lashing-out, it's probably Erica Sayers, but Lily doesn't say that. She only strokes Nina's hair out of her face, and the older girl cuddles back into her with a small sigh. "She got mad again, because I wouldn't break down, so she yelled and said I wasn't her Nina, she didn't know me anymore. And I told her I wasn't _her_ Nina, I'm my own person, and the sooner she realizes that the happier we'll both be. She said she hates who I'm becoming and it's all your fault, and I warned her again not to say anything about you…"

Lily snickers. "Let me guess. Was the phrase 'whore of Babylon' mentioned? Because I know she talks to Susie in the office, and thanks to Veronica my rep is totally trashed."

That at least gets a laugh out of Nina. "No, no – she just said you weren't a nice girl, with that _look_. And that you'd ruin me in the end. So I got up to leave. She started crying again, begging me not to go, apologizing for everything, promising not to say anything against you again. And then I left her, while she was sobbing in the middle of the living room floor, I walked out and I went down to the subway and rode back and forth for almost an hour because I was so furious and so hurt and I didn't want to come back here and just … completely freak out on you."

Lily's frozen for a second. She wouldn't have believed that Nina had the resolve to walk away from her mother, to turn her back on the tears. Not after Erica spent twenty-six years making sure Nina only danced to _her_ tune. It's the kind of progress she hoped to see in months, not a few weeks. "Nina, you did what you had to do."

"I know. I know. She doesn't own me; I can't let her manipulate me. But God, Lily, it _hurt_ to walk away from her." With that Nina burrows back into Lily's embrace, snuggling as tightly against her as she can, as if she'd climb inside Lily's skin and live there if she could, safe from ever having to be so hurt again.

For her part, Lily does her best to wrap herself around Nina, stroking her hair gently and murmuring reassurances until Nina falls asleep, her warm breath slow and even against Lily's collarbone.


	38. Therapy

**A/N: Another long chapter – I'm sure you won't mind. In other news, I finally updated my profile. It now links to my LJ, where I have a couple of Lily/Nina fics. That content is decidedly NSFW, though. **

…

The next morning, Nina wakes to the gentle almost-ticklish sensation of Lily stroking her belly. No, more accurately, Lily's stroking her scar, looking at it intently in the early morning light. Sometime during the night Nina must've stretched out on her back, letting the t-shirt she wore to bed ride up to expose the scar on her belly. Now Lily's running her fingers over it lightly, and Nina tries not to give any indication that she's woken up for fear of stopping her.

Lily must have caught the change in Nina's breathing, though, because she shifts her gaze to the older girl's face, and Nina's shocked by the deep sorrow in her eyes. She's never seen Lily look so lost. "What's wrong?" Nina whispers.

"I came so close to losing you, back then, and I didn't even know how much you'd mean to me," Lily whispers back, her voice melancholy. And then she slides down Nina's body to kiss the scar.

It's a gentle, reverent kiss, but the way she moves and the feel of her hair brushing Nina's belly startles a gasp out of the older girl. Lily looks up, and the grief fades, replaced by a warmer and more knowing look. "Oh, I see," Lily murmurs, and never looks away from Nina's eyes as she opens her mouth and lightly traces the scar with the tip of her tongue.

God, her mouth… Nina's hand is fisted in Lily's hair with no memory of putting it there, and she moans aloud as Lily kisses her again just below her navel. "_Lily_," she whispers pleadingly.

"Nina," Lily murmurs back, right against her skin, and Nina arches her hips up. In her mind she's begging for everything she doesn't dare speak aloud, but mostly it's an endless litany of _kiss me, please, kiss me_. She can almost see Lily sliding further down, can almost feel Lily's warm breath on her thigh.

Then Lily sighs heavily and sits up, disentangling her hair from Nina's grasp. "You are _really_ making me regret that 'just to sleep' promise last night, let me tell you. Besides, we have practice in an hour."

Nina growls at her, an inarticulate sound of pure frustration, and Lily looks at her appraisingly, tilting her head as if waiting for Nina to say something. Yet what can she say? Lily's right, practice is in an hour, there's no _time_ even if she could figure out how to ask for what she wants. Not just the sex, everything else too – she wants Lily to be hers, but asking that just sounds corny as hell.

Instead Nina tugs her shirt down and gets up. "You're killing me, you know that?" she mutters. Lily just chuckles, that breathy little laugh that makes the hairs on the back of Nina's neck stand up.

Somehow she manages to get dressed and ready for the day without pouncing on Lily. There are so many reasons not to, but the memory of Lily's lips against her skin makes those reasons seem very trivial. Ballet practice is the one thing that can keep Nina's mind out of the gutter and on track, so she focuses on the day's work. She'll have to put in extra effort this morning, because Wednesday afternoons are her scheduled therapy sessions, and Thomas is not entirely pleased about her missing practice, even if he appreciates the progress she's made.

When it's actually time for her session with Dr. Dunlevy, though, Nina finds herself mincing words. Normally he's a very easy person to talk to, looking at her kindly over the rims of his glasses, ready with sympathy or gentle humor at need. But so much has happened in the past week that it's difficult to even begin.

Nina finally starts by saying, "I had dinner with my mother last night." Explaining how that went leaves her feeling miserable again, and she tells him so. "I felt so guilty for leaving her there. Lily says I did the right thing, but … I don't think she's the best guide for parent-child relationships. Did I really handle it the right way, or am I the horrible person Mom says I am?"

"It's natural to feel some guilt in that situation," Dr. Dunlevy reassures her. "The important question, Nina, isn't what I think or what Lily thinks or what your mother thinks. It's whether _you_ think you did what's right."

Nina sighs and runs her hands through her hair, thinking. "Yes. I couldn't really handle it any other way. If I'd stayed, she'd only get worse, and I can't let her control me. No matter how much I love her."

"Very good," Dr. Dunlevy says with a broad smile. "You're making a lot of progress with your mother, Nina. Things may never be perfect – you can't control how other people will behave – but hopefully in time she'll begin with work with you instead of against you."

"I hope so," Nina replies fervently.

"Now, about Lily, how is that situation?" Dr. Dunlevy is a bit more cautious on this topic. As sensitized to disapproval as Nina is, she knows he has some doubts about her continued involvement with the girl she sometimes hallucinated. It is a strange sort of relationship to be in.

And how exactly is that situation? A part of Nina, a decidedly black-feathered part, wants to say, _If I'd woken up an hour earlier this morning I'd have begged her to go down on me, and she might've even done it. How's that sound to you, Doc?_ The rest of her curbs the sarcastic response. "I … I don't know. She warned me once that I wasn't ready for a relationship with her, and from other things she's told me it sounds like she doesn't really do relationships."

"Is that what you want from her? A relationship?" She sighs and looks at the ceiling, considering. It's not shyness, and he knows that, only contemplation. When Nina first hesitantly brought up her romantic inclinations toward another girl, he never once looked shocked. Then when she'd doubted his acceptance of it, he'd informed her that many girls her age had had same-sex relationships, that the medical establishment had formally concluded that homosexuality was not a disorder to be treated but simply a normal expression of human sexuality, and that most people who disapproved of it were either quoting religious dogma or were reacting to deep-seated phobias about their own homoerotic urges.

Since then she's been more able to deal with her own attraction to Lily. It doesn't feel wrong to her anymore, it feels _right_, and the shame she'd felt in the past is rapidly fading. Nina sometimes pictures it withering like twists of newspaper in a fireplace – she has no reason to hold on to this lingering embarrassment about her feelings. Emotions and attractions simply _are_, it's how she acts on them that determines her moral standing, and she's spent most of her life going to ballet practice on Sunday mornings instead of church, so there's no especial religious fervor to overcome.

Still, the question remains. Does she want a relationship with Lily, or is she just powerfully attracted to what Lily symbolizes for her: freedom, courage, sensuality? In other words, does she want to _be_ Lily or to be _with_ Lily?

_Both,_ the darker side of her mind replies. _Not exactly her, but more like her, yes. And with her, yes, definitely yes, with her every night and every day, __**yes**__._ The thought makes Nina smile. "Yeah, that's what I want from her. I feel like I should buy a Valentine's Day card that says 'be mine' on it; I want to bring her roses and chocolate and all that corny romantic stuff. The problem is, I don't know how it'll be received."

"Very few of us ever do, Nina," Dr. Dunlevy tells her gently. "Still, few rewards come without risks, and in this case you'd be risking rejection. Consider, however, that by _not_ making overtures, you're also taking a risk, in this case the risk of missing out on the relationship that could be. Of course, the situation is complicated by the fact that you two are living together."

Nina bites her lip. "Well, the thing is… Even though I'm not sure about the relationship thing with Lily, there's a lot of, um, kissing going on. And other stuff too. But I don't want this to be friends with benefits, I really don't. It drives me nuts when she flirts with other people, and I can't imagine how much worse that would get if she was actually _mine_ to be jealous over."

Dr. Dunlevy looked especially interested at that. "Why is it important to you that you be more than friends with benefits?"

It seems an odd question, and Nina looks askance at him. "Because I want to be more important to her than just that. I mean, she sleeps with people she just met – I want to mean more to her than that."

"Why?" Dr. Dunlevy demands.

"Because I love her," Nina answers automatically.

He nods, beginning to smile. "I believe that's the first time you've ever said so aloud. Am I correct?"

"Yes," Nina admits.

"Have you discussed this at all with Lily?"

Nina rakes her hands through her hair again. "No, I haven't. It's like I have some kind of mental block where she's concerned. The times I want to say something the most, I just … freeze. Like a deer in headlights. And I _hate_ that, it's so damn frustrating and cowardly."

One of his eyebrows ticks up slightly at the profanity; Nina rarely curses in his office. She's getting to the point where she can read him, and knows that by swearing she's indicated that the situation is a lot more intense than she wanted him to know.

Dr. Dunlevy pauses a moment. "Let me ask this, Nina. Do you trust Lily?"

"Yes." The answer is instantaneous.

"Absolutely?"

"Yes. When I first moved in with her, I told you how I made her promise to always tell me the truth. She kept that promise." And every other promise she'd made, even last night when Nina really would've preferred Lily breaking it. At least, part of her would have preferred that.

"Then why are you so afraid of telling her how you feel?"

"Because…" To her annoyance, Nina finds herself speechless yet again.

"Do you think it might have something to do with the fact that for your entire life, love has been accompanied by the burden of expectations?" Dr. Dunlevy asks.

Nina considers that, and shakes her head. "Not with Lily. She puts up with so much from me, and she expects nothing of me, except that I get better. And, you know, pay my rent and stuff, but those are normal expectations. Not burdens. She doesn't believe in burdening people, which is one reason why I'm afraid she won't want to do the relationship thing. Lily has a history of her own."

He nods. "Nina, our time is almost up. Before we're finished today, though, I want you to think more about why you're so afraid of rejection where Lily is concerned. Ask yourself, what's the worst that could happen?"

"The worst? She could tell me she doesn't want romance, and everything between us would stop. I'd rather have this weird kind of halfway-together not-quite-relationship than nothing, than just have to be her friend." Her own unguarded answer startles Nina somewhat. She'd been telling herself it was better to be Lily's friend – a very close, affectionate friend – but that wasn't at all what she was. There'd been too much kissing and petting to believe that anymore, and being just a friend wasn't nearly enough. "Shit. I'm deluding myself all over again. I'm letting myself fall into the friends with benefits thing, aren't I, by fooling around with her and just not talking about the fact that I want more."

Nina sighs in aggravation, briefly covering her face. "I have to talk to her. Even if I have to write one of those stupid notes, those 'Do you like me, circle yes or no' kinds of things, somehow I have to tell her what's going on with me. It's not fair to her otherwise."

"You're absolutely right, as usual. Nina, you've come a very long way in therapy," Dr. Dunlevy says. "You are certainly one of the most dedicated patients I've ever had; your commitment to your own recovery and growth is impressive."

"I'm a ballet dancer, we don't do anything by halves," she replies with a small, proud smile.


	39. Revelation

There's something new about Nina when she comes back from her therapy visit. She kisses Lily at the door, a little smooch just as casual as if most of their kisses have not been of the desperate-panting-lust variety. "That must've went well," Lily says, kissing her again.

"It did," Nina says, and for a long moment she just looks at Lily intensely, as if memorizing her features. It's kind of odd for Lily to know she was probably a topic of discussion, but she certainly doesn't want to ask. Therapy sessions are confidential for a reason, and she's never asked Nina any question more specific than how it went.

Nina shakes her head slightly, deciding something in the privacy of her own head, and then asks, "Are we going out tonight?"

"Sure," Lily chuckles. "You're turning into more of a party girl than I am, Nina."

"It's helping," Nina replies with a trace of defensiveness.

"Relax, I was just teasing you," Lily tells her, tickling her side. She's rewarded with a startled yelp as Nina tries to jump away, but in the confines of the apartment that's not really possible. With a devilish gleam in her eye, Lily reaches for her again, and Nina swats at her hands, laughing helplessly. She's adorable like that, and Lily's careful not to push it too far.

Still, eventually Nina has enough, and when she does she decides the best defense is a good offense. She tackles Lily onto the fold-out bed, and Lily lets her, grinning smugly as Nina's fingers run lightly up her side. Nina has one of her hands pinned, but Lily doesn't even try to fight back, just keeps giving her that superior smile. "You're not ticklish," Nina says, sounding disappointed.

"Nope. Not my sides, anyway. Or my feet." Lily laughs softly. How long has it been since she roughhoused with someone? God, since San Francisco at least. It feels so good to just be playful, although Lily's aware that almost every time she and Nina are together it ends up with their hands all over each other. This is just the newest variation; their relationship could very well be set to interpretative dance and called _One Hundred and One Excuses to Touch You_.

So thinking, she flips Nina with careless ease and nuzzles her throat, making Nina purr. When Lily laughs against her skin, Nina tenses and yelps again; her neck is just as ticklish. "Hey, you know what?" Lily says, having mercy for the moment – though she'll remember that little spot of especial sensitivity.

"What?" Nina says, getting a hand free to rumple Lily's hair so it falls in her eyes.

Lily shakes her head to clear her vision. "I should find a kickboxing class or something we can go to together. I always wanted to learn it. Aikido is seriously cool, it takes a lot of discipline and focus, but you probably need something that'll just let you kick ass. And I always wanted to do kickboxing."

"Where are we going to find the time?" Nina asks, and she hasn't even tried to get up. In fact, by the warmth in her eyes, she's really enjoying being held down, however gently.

"One night less of dancing won't make much difference. C'mon, it'll be fun. Can't you see me jumping up and kicking Thomas in the face from midair?"

That gets a chuckle out of Nina, and as Lily beams triumphantly Nina's free hand trails down her side … and then abruptly tickles the back of Lily's knee. Now it's her turn to yelp and explode off the bed, and she can't even be angry with Nina laughing so delightedly.

Both of them are in high good humor the rest of that night. Lily's never seen Nina light-hearted and playful before, never heard her laugh so much, and she enjoys it. She's surprised to realize that as they head out to a new club – New York has an endless supply – she's seeing less of the black swan and more of Nina, albeit a more relaxed Nina. _Progress,_ Lily thinks. The harder it is to tell which side of Nina is in control, the more likely it is that she's finally merging with her dark side. And the thought of the black swan's fierce passion mingled with Nina's tenderness is enough to set Lily's heart racing.

There's only one thing bothering Lily, and that's the way Nina keeps pausing to give her a serious, intense look, then abruptly turning away. She does it a couple times that night, and several more times on Thursday. _Something_ is on Nina's mind, something she wants to say, and she evidently can't quite figure out the words. Lily wants to hasten her along, ask her what she's thinking, but that might not be a good idea. She's been following her instincts, and at the moment intuition says not to push Nina, to let her speak in her own time.

Thursday evening is their dinner with Kyle and David, and Lily dresses up for it. All black, of course, so Kyle can tease her about it, with silver jewelry including a set of bracelets he gave her several years ago. Nina is perfect and polished as always, looking especially elegant tonight in a dark blue dress.

When they walk up to the restaurant, Lily catches sight of Kyle immediately. He's waiting for them outside, and from a distance she knows his stance even before she gets close enough to recognize his features. "Kyle!" she calls, and waves.

He waves back, and only Nina beside her keeps Lily from running to him. Kyle has always been one of her favorite people, a constant in her life from the time she was a child.

When they reach Kyle, Lily can't quite contain herself and jumps into his arms as she always has. He's a dancer, of course he can catch her, and she throws her arms around his neck for a hug and a smooch on the cheek. "I missed you too," Kyle laughs, setting her down. "Of course we wouldn't have this problem if you'd _call_…"

"I told you, I lost my phone!" Lily pleads, but affectionate teasing is a major part of their relationship, so she's smiling as she says it.

"Like you couldn't just Google the studio and find my email," Kyle sighs.

"I've been busy like you wouldn't believe," Lily replies, and then takes a step back to catch Nina's hand. "Kyle, this is Nina Sayers, star of the New York Ballet…"

"Oh, stop it," Nina says, starting to blush.

Lily just grins at her. "Nina, this is Kyle Hassler, who's for all intents and purposes my uncle."

"Pleased to meet you," Kyle says, and shakes Nina's hand. She replies in kind, and Lily's watching her eyes, watching Nina size up Kyle to decide if she likes him. Maybe leaping into his arms was a little much, but he's family in several senses of the word, and one of the very few people with whom she's completely at ease.

"Ladies, David went inside to get us a table. Come on, let's go sit down and get caught up." Kyle holds the door for both of them, and once inside Lily immediately spots Kyle's fiancé sitting in a table by the window. She catches Nina's hand and tugs her toward him, already beaming.

David, who is darker-haired and stouter than Kyle, stands up to enfold Lily in a bear hug. "Hey, brat. How've you been?"

"Good," she replies, snuggling. She's known David a long time too, and from wary beginnings they've become close friends. After all, they both have their adoration of Kyle in common.

Meanwhile Kyle's pulling out a chair for Nina. "David, when you're done mauling Lily, this is her girlfriend Nina."

Lily freezes. _Shit, he said it. Now she's gonna spaz._ Nina has never acknowledged the nature of their relationship; for all of the nuzzling and petting and kissing, they've never actually said they were a couple. Worriedly Lily looks to her, meeting the older girl's gaze just as fearful. For an instant they both balance on the edge, each trying to read each other, and then amazingly Nina laughs.

"What's wrong?" David asks, glancing between them.

In that laugh Lily reads acceptance and amusement, so she sits down in the chair Kyle pulls out for her with a sigh of relief. "Nothing, I don't think… Nina, we're cool?"

Nina's smile fades just a little into a serious expression. "That is what we are, right? A couple?"

"Well, yeah," Lily replies, puzzled, and that starts Nina chuckling again. "C'mon, clue me in here."

"I thought you didn't do relationships."

"I usually don't, but you're the exception to the rule." The truth dawns on her then, and Lily could smack herself for being so obtuse. "Jesus, you thought this was just fooling around this whole time? Nina, c'mon!"

"Well you _told_ me I wasn't ready for a relationship with you," Nina says.

"That was then – you've come a long way. Besides, trust me, if all I wanted was friends with benefits, we'd have the benefits already." That startles Nina for a second by the way her eyes widen, but their company isn't going to be ignored any longer.

"Just call me Dr. Phil," Kyle says with a chuckle. "I can't believe you two are so obviously nuts for each other and didn't see it. _I_ picked it up in ten seconds."

"I never said I didn't see it," Lily protests.

David offers his opinion. "It's a chick thing. They're just friends right up until the moment they're in bed together."

"Shut up, like you have any experience in that department," Lily tells him. "Look, _I_ knew what was going on, I just didn't know if Nina was okay with it."

"I've spent the last two days trying to figure out how to tell you I wanted more than just friends with benefits," Nina tells her, propping her chin on her hands.

"Well, you just did. What took you so long?" Lily asks. "Did you think I'd kick you out if you said something?"

Nina blushes slightly. "No, I thought you'd, um, stop. The kissing, and everything."

That makes Lily smile wickedly. "Sweetheart, there is _nothing_ that could make me stop kissing you now." And to prove her point, she leans in and kisses Nina right there in a fairly crowded Italian restaurant.


	40. Dinner

At first Nina wasn't quite sure what to make of Kyle, considering the way Lily leapt into his arms and kissed him. But within the first couple minutes she recognized the definite familial vibe between them.

In a way, she was almost jealous. Nina had no other family in the city except her mother; supposedly there were some cousins in New Mexico, but she'd never met them. And she'd never known her father. She mulled over that as they went inside and met Kyle's partner. It was then, while Kyle introduced her, that he referred to her as Lily's girlfriend.

Nina tensed, looking to Lily. She hadn't quite found the courage or the words to express her state of mind, and now she was going to hear Lily laugh it off and tell David they were just friends.

Yet Lily did no such thing. Instead she turned to Nina with what looked like fear in her eyes. After a few seconds, Nina realized why: Lily thought _she_ was going to be upset by the terminology. True, not so long ago she would've been, but that was then and this is now. Now she's proud to be called Lily's girlfriend. So she laughs, and sees Lily brighten with sheer relief.

Of course the mutual misunderstanding gets them teased a bit by Kyle and David, but that's no hardship, especially not when it ends with Lily kissing her. Kyle just sighs at them both. "Ladies, you are sitting across from the only two men in the place who really aren't interested in watching you make out."

"I dunno, I've always wondered about the courtship rituals of lesbians," David says, and Lily pulls away to glare at them both.

"One, that is not making out – there wasn't even tongue. Two, neither of us are lesbians. I think. Three, if I had to watch you two cuddling on the sofa and drooling over Gale Harold whenever _Queer as Folk_ was on, you can put up with a kiss or two."

That gets indulgent laughter from both men. Their waitress arrives, and Kyle insists on picking up the tab for all of them. Once their drinks and appetizers are ordered, Lily spends a few minutes catching them up on how she's been. She would omit the fact that she danced the Swan Queen during Nina's recovery, but Nina won't let her downplay it. Lily just shrugs. "The part's back with the one it belongs to, anyway."

"I'm glad you're the same laid-back Lily," Kyle remarks. "This is a much higher-pressure world; I was worried you'd get over-competitive too once you adjusted to the change."

"Oh my _God_, you don't know the half of it," Lily replies. "The girls here are _hardcore_, Kyle. I swear half of them would cut my throat to get my spot – and I'm the _alternate_, not the star! Even worse, it's high school all over again with the cliques and the snobbery and the backstabbing."

"She's not exaggerating," Nina admits. "Things must be very different on the West Coast."

Lily snickers. "Let me put it to you this way: every year on the first warm day in spring, half of my old company would call in sick because they were out at the beach or whatever. Thomas would _freak_."

"On first-name basis with the director already?" Kyle asks warily.

"Oh yeah, we're great pals. He threatened to kick me out of the company twice now. Fuck him, he needs someone like me around to liven up the place." Lily looks at Kyle for a moment and rolls her eyes at his dubious expression. "No, Kyle, you can quit wringing your hands. It's not like it was with Charles."

"Who's Charles?" Nina has to ask.

"My old director," Lily says. "There's a reason I know how Thomas works. At least Monsieur Leroy confines himself to one or two at a time. Charles was sleeping with half the company."

"So unprofessional," Kyle mutters. He looks about to say more, but David stops him by tugging back the sleeve of his shirt and staring intently at his arm. "What, love?"

David answers gently, "Just looking to see if your feathers are showing. You're turning into a mother hen again, Kyle, and you know Lily doesn't appreciate it."

The word choice startles Nina for an instant, but then that gets them all laughing again, and Kyle finally says, "Lily, forgive me. I don't approve of him, his ethics, his methods, his lifestyle, or his influence on you. But it's your life, not mine."

"Yeah, well, you might be right. I might just have outgrown all of that," Lily sighs. "I don't have _time_ to party like I used to. Or the inclination. It just gets old after a while, you know?"

Kyle snorts in amusement. "Speaking as someone who was a teenager in the years before HIV, yes, I know. It's possible to have too much of a good thing. And it's good to hear you might be settling down."

"Don't call it that, you'll have me owning a house in the 'burbs with a picket fence and a minivan and a couple of dogs," Lily shoots back, and all of them laugh at the image. "So how's everyone back home? Have you seen Noelle?"

"I did, actually. Last I heard her band was talking to a label. They've got an album available for download, too. Not really my style, but you'd appreciate it."

"I'll buy it the minute I get home," Lily says. Before Nina can ask, she adds, "Noelle's my best friend – with benefits, but that was over a while ago when she started seeing someone seriously. It was just friends when I left. She's a guitarist, for a while she was working in a coffee shop. Is she still there, Kyle?"

"Not as often. The band's making enough that she doesn't have to work as many hours."

"Awesome. You'd like her, Nina. She's super-smart." Nina refrains from remarking that she wasn't sure she could be friends with anyone who'd ever slept with Lily. Even if Lily has openly stated that their relationship is more important, she's still a little insecure about all of this.

There's some more catching up to do, more names Nina doesn't know, but she nibbles the appetizers patiently as Lily finds out what's been going on with her old company and her friends. If for some strange reason Nina had gone to California, she'd probably react the same way to seeing friends from New York. It's _home_ Lily's so wrapped up in talking about, and Nina lets her, keeping quiet and watching how animated Lily has become. This is Lily without her masks on, without the tough façade she puts up for people like Thomas and Veronica, and it's quite enjoyable just to watch her being relaxed and a little silly.

By the time their entrees are served, Lily's sitting sideways in her chair with her feet tucked under her. That incidentally bares quite a bit of leg thanks to the split in her skirt, and Nina appreciates the view so much she almost misses Kyle's remark directed at her. "So Nina, I'm guessing you and Lily met at the studio? Just out of curiosity, what was your first impression?"

Nina smiles, remembering. "She was late the first day. And later on she walked in during the middle of a difficult piece and startled me almost into twisting my ankle. Then after that she got me into trouble with Thomas. So my first impression was that Lily was trouble."

All of them laugh, and Lily buries her face in her hands. "Guys, come on."

"That's so you, Lily," David chuckles, and Kyle adds, "Trouble's always been your middle name."

"That is not true," Lily insists haughtily.

"Oh really? Does Nina know you have a criminal record?" Kyle teases.

"Kyle!" Lily yelps. "That's a _juvenile_ record, I was fifteen, those files are sealed now, so as far as the rest of the world's concerned my record's clean. Jesus, it was just shoplifting, not armed robbery or anything."

"It's all right," Nina assures her. She's not surprised; Lily certainly has a wild streak, and she can guess it was at its worst in her teens.

Lily's not reassured, however, glaring at Kyle. "Sweetheart, if you're seeing her she ought to know everything about you," he says, half-teasing.

"She knows about my stepfather, Kyle, and she knows why you're so important to me," Lily snaps. "That's more than anyone back home knows. The stuff you're talking about is just gossip compared to that."

That makes both men look at Nina with fresh interest. Their scrutiny is a little unnerving, and Nina excuses herself for the moment. Besides, Lily probably wants to say something to Kyle, perhaps something she doesn't want Nina to hear. When she returns a few minutes later, she walks up as Lily is in mid-sentence. "…so help me God, Kyle, I will stab you with this fork if you screw this one up for me!"

Nina pauses behind Lily's chair as Kyle says to Lily, "Just how serious are you, Lily? Because she seems like a very nice girl."

"She _is_. And I know damn well she's too good for me, but it's me she wants, and I'll never forgive you if you run her off." Lily's still pointing at him with the fork, and Nina smiles at her vehemence.

She rests a hand on Lily's shoulder, startling her, and says gently, "A few dirty little secrets aren't going to scare me away, Lily. You already know the worst about me. If you can put up with all of my issues, I can handle yours."

Lily catches her hand and kisses the backs of her knuckles. "Good, because I really don't want you to leave." Kyle's chuckling at them as he rises to pull out Nina's chair again, and as he seats her Lily cuts him another dark look. "To answer your question, Kyle, you wanna know how serious I am? Nina's living with me."

That definitely raises his eyebrows, and David says, "I thought you always said you hated live-in lovers, that they cramp your style."

"Oh, well that's my next point," Lily replies loftily. "Because for your information, we're _not_ sleeping together. Except in the strict just-sleeping sense, and that only occasionally. And since I know you'll ask, I'm not sleeping with anyone else, either. Not since … damn, it's been almost two months now."

Those frank words catch Kyle as he's sitting down, and he leans way back in his chair, looking at Lily like she's a ticking time bomb. There's a world of unspoken assumptions in his expression, most of which Nina can guess. Surely Lily can have anyone she wants, and just as surely she's always done so. Only with Nina has she held back. "I apologize for teasing you, then," Kyle finally says, still looking shocked. "I had no idea, Lily."

"Now you do," she replies, and her manner finally thaws over the rest of her chicken Marsala as the conversation turns to the safe topic of the ballet business.

Nina meanwhile is absorbing what she just learned. That Lily's offer to come stay with her was more momentous than she knew at the time, she'd already begun to figure out. She hadn't realized that Lily was being faithful to her long before they actually admitted the truth of their relationship. True, they're together most of the time, but not always. Lily certainly had opportunities to indulge, if she wanted. Instead she's been waiting for Nina.

This girl, this incredibly beautiful girl with the exotic eyes and the gorgeous figure and the innate confidence and sensuality that everyone finds irresistible, _this_ girl has been waiting for _her_. Knowing that shakes all of Nina's assumptions. She'd thought she'd have to win Lily for herself, persuade her into a relationship; instead she finds Lily more than willing, already won.

And that thought sets her heart racing like nothing else ever could. _She's mine, really mine,_ she thinks, and for once it's not the black swan's fierce declaration; it's all of Nina, rejoicing at the news.

The evening has been lovely, and as they leave Kyle demands Lily's phone so he can program his information into it, threatening to stalk her if she doesn't stay in touch. While they're bantering, David gives Nina a completely unexpected hug. Surprised, she hugs him back, and he takes that moment to whisper to her, "You'll take good care of our wild Lily, right?"

"Of course," Nina replies, smiling up at him.

"Good. She needs someone like you in her life." David pats her cheek affectionately, and Nina grins at the praise and acceptance.

"We'll both be there," Lily's telling Kyle. "Right, Nina? You don't have a problem going to California for a week in September, do you?"

"Thomas won't want us both to leave," Nina warns.

"Thomas can sit and spin, we're going to the wedding," Lily insists, and that's when Nina realizes they're making long term plans. The realization is yet another joyful milestone.


	41. Fulfillment

**A/N: Okay, everyone, this chapter is definitely NSFW. Be forewarned.**

**And I have to promote the LJ linked in my profile once again; it's been updated and there's a link to a new short story set in Coda's future.**

**Speaking of promotions, wickedbeauty95 wrote another short story for this fandom. Go read _You Wanted to See Me?_, it's smoking hot.**

* * *

After dinner Lily wants to go out clubbing, and Nina's glad to agree. They have to be home earlier than usual tonight, so they may as well get an early start on the evening. Nina's dress is perhaps a little upscale for clubbing, but she doesn't care. The skirt and top that looked so elegant on Lily in the restaurant become alluring once she lets her hair down and unbuttons the blouse to show the lacy tank top beneath.

There's an extra charge to it tonight, a little something more between them. For Nina it's the knowledge that she's not dancing with her beautiful best friend; this is her sexy girlfriend in her arms, and Lily seems to be dancing to the same higher stakes. When they kiss the fire burns even higher, neither of them pulling away until the need for air grows stronger than the desire between them.

They leave hours later laughing, somewhere between wired and exhausted. Lily's idea has been working perfectly, Nina's black swan side is much easier to handle now that it's allowed regular exercise in the pulsing anonymity of the dance floor. She can be wild there, she can kiss a total stranger and drive him – or her – to distraction, she can drink in the heated stares as she dances with Lily and sets imaginations afire. And when they head home afterward she can be Nina again, profoundly relaxed, secure in her own skin once more. The sense of pressure, of something trying to take over, is a distant memory.

It's a night like any other, except tomorrow is the final performance of Swan Lake, so they head home early. Not by too much, though, as Nina doesn't need any extra time to brood over her final performance. By the time the elevator brings them to Lily's floor, both of them have almost shed the feathers of their party-girl selves and gotten just about back to normal.

"Flip you for the first shower," Lily says as they walk in the door. Dancing all night works up a sweat, and the smoky-eye look is even more so after hours of exertion. They always decide who gets the first shower this way; whoever loses the coin toss also sets up the coffee pot for tomorrow morning.

"We could always share," Nina says, and _that's_ new, Nina emboldened by the revelations of the day. Even as the words leave her lips, she shivers with anticipation. Lily naked under warm running water is an image that cannot fail to set her heart racing.

Lily stops to look over her shoulder at her, and there's nothing on earth sexier than she is right then. Her makeup's smudged as much from kissing Nina as it is from dancing, and the smile she gives Nina is both tired and provocative. "Oh, yeah?"

"Yeah. Save water, save the environment," Nina says flippantly, but she unconsciously licks her lips as she speaks.

Lily sees it and smirks. "Hmm, maybe not."

"Why not?"

"You really wanna know?"

"Yeah."

God, those mismatched eyes, the way they bore into Nina like Lily can see every wicked thing she's ever imagined in the hot darkness of her mind. At last she says huskily, "Because I don't think you'll be able to keep your hands off me if I'm naked, and I want our first time to be in an actual bed. Last time I did the shower thing with someone, we both slipped and he broke his tailbone."

The story's worth a rueful chuckle, but after a night spent basking in the heat of hundreds of hungry gazes, Nina's confidence has grown. "Oh, you think you're that irresistible?" she teases.

"You think I'm not?" Lily fires right back, half-turning to let Nina's gaze slide down along the curves of breast and waist and hip and thigh. Daring her, almost.

Instead of answering the question, Nina crosses her arms and tries to look haughty through the glaze of alcohol and good-humored exhaustion. "You act like I'm some kind of randy teenage boy."

Lily chuckles, that husky little laugh that Nina wishes she could hear in the dark depths of the night. The younger girl turns away, and for a second Nina thinks she won the exchange, made Lily question her own absolute irresistibility. "Fine, if you're so unaffected by it," Lily says, and walks toward the bathroom with a sultry sway in her stride.

Elated, Nina follows her, realizing she'll have to keep herself in check or prove Lily right. Still, she can see Lily nude, run her fingers through her hair in the guise of helping her rinse it, and the best part is that even if she loses control and starts kissing Lily, well, that's not exactly a _bad_ thing in itself. In fact it's exactly what she wants, what they both want, and the black swan side of her is tamed enough that she doesn't even feel its agreement, only her own desire.

And then Lily shrugs off her shirt, letting it drop to the floor. Nina's breath catches in her throat; she must have been unbuttoning it as she walked. Now Lily's crossing her arms in front of herself and grabbing the bottom of the tank top she wore underneath, and now she's pulling it off over her head. Lily's back arches as she does so, the lily tattoo shifting on her skin as she moves, and Nina has a brief, vivid flash of remembered hallucination. Lily's back arching just like that as she kissed her way down Nina's belly, her shoulder blades moving beneath tattooed skin just like that, naked from the waist up except for a black bra just like the one she's now wearing.

It's too much, a bolt of raw lust striking straight through Nina's body, searing from her eyes down to the core of her. God, her mouth is actually watering at the sight, and she forgets about proving Lily right, forgets about seeming like an over-sexed teenager, forgets about everything except getting her hands on that gorgeous girl. It's not one side or the other, it's every ounce of Nina _needing_ Lily.

In a second her arms are around Lily's waist, pulling her close, and her mouth is on Lily's shoulder, kissing up to her neck with almost frantic intensity. Nina's hands slide up toward Lily's breasts, but the younger girl gasps and catches them, stops her. Before she can protest Nina nuzzles against her ear, whispering urgently. "You're right, okay, you were right, I want you that much, I do, I can't stand another minute of this… God, please, Lily, I want you so much, just _please_…"

And Lily _laughs_, sounding relieved and delighted as she turns within the circle of Nina's arms. "That's all you ever had to say, Nina," she murmurs back, and kisses her.

The words strike a chord of confusion, and Nina frowns slightly even while most of her mind is distracted by nearly-topless Lily in her arms. "What, that you were right? That's all I had to say?"

"No," Lily laughs again, nipping her bottom lip. "That you wanted me. God, Nina, you don't know how long I've been waiting to hear that…"

"You should've known," Nina whispers, thinking of all the times they've touched. How she burned for Lily, held so still under her hands and wished – hoped – _prayed_ Lily would never stop, would go further, touch her, take her, taste her…

"Oh, I knew," Lily tells her, "I knew by the way you touched me, by the way you felt when I touched you. The way you looked at me like you were just barely holding back from jumping me in public. But you had to admit it, Nina, you had to say it out loud; I won't take advantage of you, I'd never make you do something you don't want to. Before today we never even said we were together, much less that you actually wanted me. If not for that you could've had me a long time ago."

Nina moans into her mouth, and she can't decide what to do first: kiss her, nibble her, caress her, swat her for being so damned impossible, so she tries for all of the above and winds up whimpering in frustration when she can't quite get the catch on the stupid bra unhooked. Lily laughs again, softly, and undoes it for her, freeing her breasts. They fit Nina's hands exactly when she cups them, and Lily draws in a sharp hissing breath as Nina's thumbs stroke over her nipples.

From there reality and fantasy seem to blur. It's _déjà vu_, the hurried hunger with which they cast aside clothes, so like Nina's delusion of the past. Nina can't stop kissing her, half delirious that Lily is finally _hers_, mouthing her neck and nipping along her jaw. Lily's eyes gleam as she kisses Nina back, finds the sensitive hollow at the base of her throat and flicks her tongue over it. Nina's dress is gone, and she catches Lily's skirt to yank it down, expecting to find black garters and pale skin.

Reality reasserts itself. There's another tattoo on Lily's hip, a character in some other language, one Nina never saw and could not have imagined that drug-fueled night. This is not a dream, this is real, this is _real_, and Nina pulls Lily down onto the sofa bed with almost predatory lust. Every inch of contact screams across her hypersensitive nerves; Lily's thigh brushing Nina's makes her moan.

"Mmm, you like that," Lily purrs, rubbing against her. Another kiss, and Lily's tongue flirts with Nina's even as she runs her nails lightly up Nina's back. The older girl shivers, and Lily chuckles wickedly. There's a teasing light in her eyes as she angles her body, arching calculatingly against Nina.

Nina wants Lily to be as desperate as she is for it, writhing uncontrollably instead of this seductive dance. So she presses her down, lavishing her with kisses, and Lily buries her hands in Nina's hair with a throaty moan. Loving that lost, greedy sound, Nina cups her breasts again, kneading them, almost rough in her hunger.

Flushed, wild-eyed, Lily groans against Nina's mouth. Nina laughs, a low husky sound of amusement; who's the impatient one now? Her triumph lasts for a few moments, until she abruptly realizes that she has no idea what she intends to do next. Her earlier fears suddenly come swarming back to plague her, worrying that Lily will know she's a virgin, that she won't be good enough. Never mind that they're together, that Lily's been waiting for this moment for two months, that up until a second ago Nina was more than eager to do everything she's ever fantasized about. But the black swan isn't there to take over, there's no way to get Nina out of her own head now, and no way to escape her doubts about herself.

Lily catches her wrist then, stills it. "Your hands are shaking," she whispers, and Nina freezes as she so often does, caught between the enormity of her desire and the paucity of her experience. Frustration makes her want to scream; she _wants_ Lily, now, wants to make the younger girl writhe and moan, make her wet, make her come… And yet she's never done such a thing, barely knows her own body much less anyone else's, has only the vaguest idea of what's possible. Even her fantasies aren't all that detailed, and she knows Lily's more than experienced, Lily's had dozens of lovers better than Nina will ever be. She was fine as long as she was running on pure instinct; it's _thinking_ about it that makes her so anxious she cannot move.

And then Lily's free hand slides down Nina's bare belly, her skin hot with desire. Nina gasps as Lily murmurs huskily, "Easy, Nina – here, let me…"

The first gentle stroke against her soaked panties has Nina moaning, breaking through the frozen moment with a rush of pure heat. "Oh, Nina," Lily whispers, her voice shaking with something like awe. "So wet, Nina, so wet for me…"

Those words are simply too much, and Nina finds herself rolling onto her back, whimpering as Lily moves with her. Lily's leg over her own, Lily grinding herself against Nina's thigh, and Lily's fingers touching her. Nina can only moan, pleading wordlessly for more, arching her back and offering her body.

Lily strokes her through the thin satin, kissing her neck as Nina winds one hand into Lily's long hair. The sounds Nina's making astonish her, pleading whimpers and throaty cries, but she's too drunk on sensation to care how she sounds anymore, too hungry for this to care about anything but her own pleasure.

While still mouthing Nina's neck, Lily slides her fingers around the edge of the panties and finds the lustful heat hidden within already eager for her. Nina cries out at the first gentle touch, Lily's deft fingers slipping slickly to the center of her pleasure. She arches her back fiercely, wanting more, _now_, but Lily whispers in her ear, "Wait, trust me, wait, it gets better if you don't give in right away."

Nina whines at that, as Lily moves more slowly, taking the panties off first and then trailing her nails lightly up Nina's thigh on her way back to where Nina wants her to be. She has little choice but to let Lily set the pace. Her whole body seems to be afire, every place they touch igniting with arousal, and Lily's lips on her sensitive neck are almost enough to put her over the edge just by themselves.

Lily's still rocking her hips against Nina's thigh, and she gives a shuddering sigh that sends shivers down Nina's neck. "God, I wanted you so much for so long," she whispers, and her fingers continue their slow teasing dance between Nina's legs. "I wanted you at the club that first time, the way you kissed me, the way you danced with me. God, Nina, I wish I _had_ gone home with you, I wish it'd been you with me then, you get me wetter with one look than he did all night."

"Please," Nina whispers brokenly. Lily's being just a little _too _gentle, a little too careful, and Nina wants more. She tries to quicken the pace, but Lily won't let her, withholding the release Nina craves. Still exploring, still discovering, not yet ravishing as Nina needs her to.

And still whispering in her ear, terribly wicked and viciously delightful things. "It kills me to watch you dance, see you move, even just in practice. Sometimes I'd think about peeling the leotard off you and having you right there, on my knees in front of you letting you hang onto the barre for balance, all those mirrors reflecting me with my mouth on you, my tongue in you…" Nina moans and trembles, utterly lost – that image is simply too much for her. Nothing else matters now but Lily, and it's all Nina can do to whisper her name in broken, pleading tones.

"Now," Lily whispers, and moves her thumb just slightly but it makes Nina gasp, her eyes flying open – she had no idea she could feel _anything_ so intensely, blurring the line between pleasure and pain. Now it's fast and hungry and deep, Lily demanding her response, Nina crying out and arching her back with no thought beyond the next second, beyond reaching the pinnacle and leaping from it. All the desire in her focuses on Lily's skillful fingers, and for a fleeting second Nina think she'll die from this, her racing heart will simply give out.

Lily kisses her neck, flicks her tongue along Nina's earlobe, and whispers in her sultriest voice, "Come for me, Nina." There's no control, no grace, no artistry to the way Nina's hips buck at those words, the way she shudders; no way to contain the crescendo of lust and fulfillment within her fragile flesh. She's dancing to an ancient, primal rhythm now, one that knows nothing of control, only of passion. Nina cries out, calling Lily's name in a voice loud with need, as she's swept away.


	42. Turnabout

**A/N: This chapter is entirely NSFW. And Lily is very happy with her life by the end. :)**

…

Nina's left panting, aching, shivering, glaze-eyed with fulfilled desire. Lily holds her, kissing her shoulder and her neck, until she finally stops trembling. Then, oh, then Nina turns to her with those chocolate-colored eyes full of wonder, and Lily smiles tenderly. To see a look like that, she'd tame a dozen black swans, navigate her way through ten times as many issues as Nina has. It's something she'll only see once, and she knows it; there's only one first time. "Hey, gorgeous," she whispers softly.

Nina chuckles, her voice rough from crying out. "You're the gorgeous one," she manages to say, and snuggles into Lily. That gives Lily the opportunity to slide her hand away, and the way Nina's eyes roll back at the movement makes her grin.

"So are you," Lily replies, and when Nina doesn't acknowledge it, she nips the older girl's lip lightly. "I'm serious. How can you _not_ know you're beautiful?"

Brows drawing together in the beginnings of a scowl, Nina's about to reply when Lily brings her slick fingers to her mouth and starts licking them clean. That effectively halts Nina's train of thought. Her eyes go hungry, and her lips part unconsciously.

Seeing her rapt expression, Lily half-closes her eyes and puts both fingers in her mouth, sucking the taste of her lover off them with an obscene little slurp that makes Nina shudder. "Mmm. God, Nina, you taste almost as good as you look."

Nina gasps, licking her lips, and Lily can't resist that. She kisses Nina deeply, letting her taste herself, and Nina doesn't shy back from it. And what a kiss it is, too. One of the things Lily loves about Nina is the way she kisses, with such intensity and single-minded focus that the rest of the world disappears as soon as their lips meet.

Already hot from the foreplay and getting Nina off, Lily's contemplating lying back and sliding her hand between her own thighs, letting Nina watch her. But then Nina's hand is running up and down her side, caressing the curve of her hip, stroking the swell of her breast. That's what she really wants, and Lily arches into it with a sigh. "Yes, Nina, yes, I want you."

Nina hesitates, and Lily curses inwardly; she spoke too soon, paralyzing Nina again. But this time the older girl isn't frozen, and her dark eyes search Lily's lighter ones for a long moment. "Lily, I … I'm not … I've never…" She sighs, almost angrily. "I just don't want to disappoint you. Lily … I'm a virgin."

Lily smiles slowly, _not_ saying a word about how adorably naïve that confession is. As if she didn't know, hadn't known from the first time she held Nina in her arms and comforted her after that nightmare. The way the older girl froze at a simple kiss on the temple told Lily everything she needed to know about Nina's sexual experience or lack thereof.

Instead she licks the tips of her fingers for emphasis and purrs, "Not anymore." Nina blushes crimson at that, looking down, yet her smile is anything but shy. Lily tilts her chin up, meets Nina's gaze again with her mismatched eyes serious for once. "Nina, I sort of guessed that a while ago."

"You knew?" Nina looks surprised, almost hurt.

"It doesn't matter. If I wanted experience I'd be fucking Thomas." Nina wrinkles her nose at that, and Lily kisses her forehead, letting her voice grow husky again. "It's _you_ I want, Nina. Your kiss, your touch – your mouth on my neck, your hand between my thighs. For once in your life, realize it doesn't have to be perfect. It just has to be _you_."

Nina takes a shuddering breath, her eyes growing dark with lust, but she's still hesitant. It just figures, the one time they actually _want_ the black swan, it's too well managed to make an appearance. Lily craves that passion, that daring, in her lover. But can she summon it at will?

Nina kisses her, and Lily remembers how utterly ravenous Nina's black swan side is, how demanding … how dominant. Her lips curve up in a wicked smile, and she lets herself go soft and submissive beneath Nina's careful caresses. It's not how she usually is in bed, but for Nina it's worth it. "Please," she whispers against Nina's mouth, and the older girl gasps.

That's it, that's exactly what Nina needs, and even though Lily prides herself on not begging, she'll do it if it'll get Nina hot enough to overcome her anxiety. She wants this so much, aches for it even; Lily knows she'll do nearly anything to have what she craves. Catching Nina's hand and guiding it to her breast, she lets herself whimper, "Please, Nina, please, touch me."

Nina growls at that and presses Lily over onto her back, kissing her hungrily. Lily can't help laughing softly at the sudden change, and Nina mouths her neck, silencing her with a warning bite just this side of pain. There'll be a mark in the morning but Lily doesn't care, turning her head to give Nina better access.

No hesitation now, just Nina's hands insistent and almost rough, teasing Lily's nipples to tautness. And then her mouth, licking and suckling them, letting Lily feel her teeth a little. Lily gasps at that, heat coursing through her body, arching her back in time with the strokes of Nina's tongue.

She started out saying 'please' just to turn Nina on, but suddenly she finds herself doing it for real, pleading shamelessly. And _enjoying_ it, too, loving every second of the surrender. Nina's chuckling softly against her skin, watching her face with rapt attention. It feels good, so damn good that Lily moans and tangles her hand in Nina's hair. "C'mon, please, Nina, I need you, _please_… I need you so much…"

Her voice rises as Nina runs one hand slowly down her belly, playing with edge of the lacy black thong. Lily lets Nina undo her garters and slip them off along with the panties, sighing at the feel of Nina's hands on her hips, but she's not surprised at leaving the stockings on. They're too damn sexy to take off anyway, and that's all she's wearing now, the rest of her bare to Nina's eyes and mouth and wandering hands.

Lily whimpers as Nina caresses her thighs and eases them further apart, groans when Nina finally strokes her slick heat; she hasn't been this eager in a long while. "That's it, that's what I want, Nina, _please_… Ahhh, God, _Nina_!" It's almost too good, and her hips buck as Nina's fingers slide into her, finding the spot that makes her toes curl with overwhelming pleasure. For someone who worried about being good enough, Nina's learning fast; hell, she's fucking incredible, and Lily tries to tell her so by the desperation in her cries.

Still, Nina's being slow and careful, her gaze transfixing Lily as she writhes and moans. Not enough, not when she's so aroused that Nina's breath on her skin makes her shiver. She needs more, more, and Lily is only just articulate enough to ask for more, her voice low and husky. "Rough, _please_, you can be rough, you can hurt me a little, please, I wanna feel you in the morning, just _please_ fuck me, Nina, I'm begging you, _fuck me_, _please,_ _**please**_…"

Lily trails off into a loud moan as Nina gives her exactly what she wants, wild and full of heated hunger. Arching her hips to meet each thrust, crying out wantonly, she abandons herself to it. Her climax builds and builds, it's going to be so intense, she's going to scream and she can't help it, doesn't want to stop it, her spine arched hard and her whole body trembling in anticipation. Nina's not careful anymore, oh not at all, and Lily draws one knee up to give her better access, let her in deeper, crying out inarticulately because it's so … fucking … good…

Right on the edge, the tension's killing her, every muscle locked, Nina – oh God, finally, Nina whom she needs so much – fucking her hard and ruthlessly, just what she wants, so close, so close… Lily throws her head back and screams for sheer ecstasy, utterly lost as the world goes white-hot around her.

When she comes down from it Nina's curled around her, limbs intertwined, Nina's lips pressed to her throat. For a long moment Lily's panting too hard to speak, still shaking, a delicious soreness between her thighs. "God, Nina," she finally sighs.

Nina kisses her just where her pulse is still leaping in time with her racing heart, and murmurs against her skin with a trace of laughter, "So was I good?"

Lily's still got one hand tangled in Nina's hair, and she uses it to pull Nina's face up to hers so she can kiss her long and lovingly. "Fucking amazing," Lily manages to say, and grins as she pulls back just enough to meet Nina's stare. "I love you."

Her lover's chocolate eyes widen at that, and she whispers back, "Are you sure?"

"Didn't I promise," Lily says, still trying to catch her breath, "I'd always tell you the truth?"

For a moment Nina's eyes close; she looks like a woman savoring a fine wine, long coveted and finally poured. Then she opens them again to meet Lily's mismatched gaze and reply, "I love you, too, Lily."


	43. After

**Author's Note: OK, folks, sorry for the delay. I've got a lot of personal stuff going on. My car broke down Friday afternoon, my father went into the ER and got admitted to the hospital Friday night, and my mom was generously driving me to do the grocery shopping on Sunday afternoon when **_**her**_** car broke down. It's been quite frankly ridiculous. Life can only look up from here; I'm working on getting a new engine or possibly a new car, and my father's condition is steadily improving. Thanks for your patience.**

…

Nina wakes up slowly, wavering toward consciousness, her body still heavy with sleep. The first thing she notices is Lily snuggled close against her, limbs entwined, her face nuzzled against Nina's neck. She's warm and soft and feels so good in Nina's arms; the older girl kisses the top of her head and strokes her back lovingly.

_Love._ Lily was the first to say it, which Nina would never have expected. She couldn't help questioning it at the time, but now she's as certain of Lily's feelings as she is of her own. They're a couple, they're in love with each other, and they have the rest of their lives to spend together.

Both of them are naked except for one of Lily's stockings that somehow didn't get pulled off last night; they were up very late. Once each was nowhere near enough, both of them drunk on the other, yet each fresh discovery only made them hungrier for the next. The more intoxicated they became with each other, the more insatiable they both were, indulging again, and again, and yet again.

Nina smiles to remember it, how intense they were. At one point she and Lily were almost fighting for control, for who would be the next to make the other cry out in ecstasy, and she'd loved adding that half-playful rough and tumble to the mix. Lily won, of course, pinning her down, capturing her wrists and whispering wicked things in her ear as she claimed her prize.

Idly Nina traces the lily tattoo that covers her lover's back. God, just thinking of Lily as her lover sends another shiver down her spine. She runs her hand up into Lily's hair at the thought, loving the feel of it wrapped around her fingers. Lily's hair is so sleek and lovely to the touch, slightly heavier than it seems like it would be, just like good silk. Last night she'd caught it up at the nape of Lily's neck just like this, pulled it tight to keep Lily still while she kissed her, wanting to memorize the taste and feel of Lily's mouth.

Unconsciously Nina's tightened her grip on Lily's hair, the silken strands sliding through her fingers, and when she realizes what she's doing, she releases Lily's hair. To her surprise Lily purrs sleepily at that, and leans her head into the touch. For the next little while Nina becomes totally absorbed in playing with Lily's hair: running her hands through it, twining it around her fingers, and even gathering it up to _carefully_ pull it. The effect must be a lot like a scalp massage, by the sounds Lily's making.

After a particularly loud groan, Lily opens her eyes and grins hazily at Nina. "Y'know, if I was rollin', you could prolly get me off like that," she murmurs happily.

"I'll have to remember that," Nina says, and kisses her cheek.

Lily turns her head and kisses Nina on the mouth, morning breath be damned. "You'd better. And you'd better remember last night."

"Trust me, there's no way I'd forget." Nina laughs, feeling her black swan side behind her sense of accomplishment and her amusement.

"Good," Lily replies smugly, and stretches, grimacing a little. "Ohhh, fuck, I'm gonna be so sore when I get up… Hey, what time is it?"

"I don't know," Nina says. "I think my phone's in my purse."

"The alarm clock's in the bedroom, but it's not going off so it must be early yet," Lily muses. "My phone's in my purse too. I should've put it on the charger last night but _someone_ distracted me with the suggestion of a shared shower. One we really should've taken, by the way. Bet I look like a deranged raccoon."

Her eyeliner is thoroughly smeared, and Nina's chuckle is the only confirmation she needs. Nina gets up then, moving a little stiffly from all the unexpected exercise, and the first thing she notices is their clothes scattered all across the floor. Lily's bra is on top of the television; it must've landed there when Nina tossed it aside in her haste.

That makes her smile as she hunts for her purse, but when she opens her phone she stops smiling. The display says 11:56, but it can't be almost midnight; they left the club at a little after ten. No way did all of that happen in less than two hours.

"Oh, _fuck_," Nina whispers, as the smaller characters come into view and the truth dawns on her. The profanity gets Lily's attention quickly, and Nina turns to her with eyes wide and her complexion gone pale as chalk. "Lily, it's almost noon."

"Shit!" Lily yelps, and tries to leap out of bed. She quickly gives up the attempt, wincing in pain. "Ow, that _hurts_, goddammit!"

"Are you all right?" Nina asks worriedly, hurrying to her side.

"Yeah, I'm fine, I just… Last night I forgot I haven't done that in a while. Ow." At Nina's perplexed look, she grins. "Look, if you danced all you wanted but just didn't _pointe_ work for two months, and then went and tried to dance the lead in _Giselle_, you'd get through it fine – but you'd ache like hell in the morning."

When Nina realizes she's just been compared to one of the most famous ballets of all time – and what exactly Lily's comparing there – she can't help blushing. "You did say…" she trails off.

"Yeah, yeah, and I got my wish all right. Not that I regret it a bit. It's just gonna make being late that much more fun." Lily stretches both legs slowly, her eyes narrowed.

"We're more than late. We missed morning practice entirely," Nina tells her, and opens her phone. She has twenty-six missed calls, voice mails, and text messages, all from the studio, Thomas, and her mother. "Oh, Thomas is going to kill us both," she frets.

"He can't," Lily says matter-of-factly. "No one else has practiced the role. If he kills us both he's got no one to dance the Swan Queen."

"No wonder he's freaking out," Nina mutters, and starts to return his call.

Lily grabs the phone out of her hand. "Do _not_ ruin our morning-after by getting both of us screamed at in two languages. Here, let me call the office – Susie will give him a message without chewing us a new one."

That sounds like a better idea, and Nina nods. "While you're doing that, I'm getting a shower. We have to be there this afternoon – we're on the stage tonight."

"Last performance of _Swan Lake_, right," Lily replies, and winks at Nina. "Tell you what, if you _really_ kick ass and take names tonight, maybe we can convince Thomas that taking a morning off is a _good_ thing."


	44. Detente

**Author's Note:**** Thank you all for hanging in there. Real-life stress does not always make it easy to escape into writing, especially when I'm closing down a fic that I really love and want to end exactly right. But life is considerably less crazy now; my dad is doing much better, and we've caught a few things with the hospital stay that we otherwise wouldn't have known about. **

**Also, I will have a new car next month. The car is free, gets good gas mileage, and runs great – the only catch is that I have to pick it up from my uncle's house. Which is halfway across the country. Road trip! I probably will not have any internet access between April 15****th**** and the 21****st****, but **_**Coda**_** should be complete well before then. Only about 2 chapters and an epilogue to go until the end. As always, thank you to all of my readers.**

**ETA: Thanks to Leelou for the corrections to the French! I really need a native speaker to proofread, especially when Thomas is pissed off enough to swear in both languages.  
**

…

After she hangs up with Susie, Lily hurries into the bathroom. "Guess what, you're getting your shared shower after all," she says, and that's all the warning she gives Nina before jumping in with her. Nina yelps adorably, and Lily can't help laughing. "So, the good news is that someone knows we're alive. The bad news is, Thomas was just about to head over here when I called the office."

"He's coming _here?_" Nina says in disbelief.

"Nah, Susie's gonna stop him before he gets out the door," Lily replies, reaching around Nina to grab her shampoo. "Still, the whole studio is up in arms."

"I know. My mom even called – they must've tried to find me through her," Nina says, and she's stealing little glances over her shoulder at Lily.

Even now, when they ought to be freaking out over how late they are, Nina can't stop looking at her with desire in her gaze. The warm glow that fills Lily then makes her smile, and she kisses Nina's shoulder. "Hey. Guess what? You can look at me all you want now, you know."

"No, I can't, or we'd be even later," Nina replies, and turns around for a quick kiss. She gets shampoo lather on her forehead, and both of them laugh. This would be a perfect morning after, if only they didn't have to go in to work. And the twinges of soreness in Lily's back and legs demand something to soothe them. A day of rest and a massage would be best, but she's going to take half a Vicodin and call it good.

As Nina turns back to rinse her face, Lily gets a good look at her back and winces. "I hope you've got some good concealer, Nina."

"What is it? The rash came back?" Nina sounds worried by that, and Lily's glad to correct her.

"No, but I raked the hell out of your back at some point." Lily traces the red marks with a gentle fingertip, and Nina shivers.

"You should see your neck, then," Nina replies.

Lily laughs wickedly. "Here's a thought – let's walk in with no concealer or anything, and tell Thomas we were working on your black swan."

Scandalized, Nina glares over her shoulder. "Lily! No, we don't need him any more involved in our business than he already is."

"It's physically impossible for a guy like him to be angry at us if he's thinking about us having sex," Lily replies, but lets the subject drop. They have entirely too much to do and not enough time to do it in.

A miraculous forty-five minutes later they're walking up to the studio only to see Thomas pacing outside. "Uh-oh," Nina whispers, slowing.

"I've got this," Lily says, striding ahead, keeping her chin up as she approaches their furious director. She's never seen him this mad before, not even when he was not-so-subtly threatening her.

"Where the _fuck_ have you been?" Thomas snarls.

That decides Lily's response; she's not going to cringe before him, hell no. "Funny you should mention fucking," she replies in her most blasé tone, moving as if to walk right past him.

"_Ne me d_é_connez pas_ _avec moi_," he growls. "I ought to fire both of you for this!"

"You can't," Lily retorts. "You need us. Without us there'd be no final show, and you know it's sold out. So the only question is, do you wanna stand here and yell, or do you want us to go inside and get warmed up so we can dance tonight? Your choice." She stands there with her arms crossed, giving him a challenging glare.

Lily hears Nina draw a startled breath at her arrogance, and then Thomas takes a step toward her. Lily tenses, thinking he's lost his temper completely, he's actually going to smack her this time, and she's ready to knock him on his ass if he sets a hand on her. She underestimates his self-control, however, and Thomas only looms over her. "_Ta gueule, _Lily," he says, his voice almost soft, and then turns to Nina.

Exactly what she didn't want him to do, but Nina's not cowering for once. "Never again, Nina. _Jamais_. _Compris_? I expected no better of Lily, but _you_… Do not _ever_ do such a thing again."

"We only missed morning practice," Nina replies, with frost in her voice. "We're here for the show. I always will be, I promise you that." It seems to mollify him, but Nina takes an extra stride that puts her right in his space, glowering up at him just as fiercely as he was a moment ago. Lily can hear the black swan in her tone as she adds, "Stop threatening us. I won't tolerate it anymore."

Thomas is so taken aback by that defiance that it takes him a moment to find the English for what he wants to say. "_You_ won't tolerate it? After all I've put up with from both of you, after you _both_ go missing with no word to anyone on the day of the finale, _you_ won't tolerate…? Nina, _n'exagérez pas_!"

"Chill out," Lily snaps at him. "We're wasting practice time, and after the night I had I'm going to need every minute of warm-up I can get."

That distracts him for an instant, but then Nina says, "I'm not kidding, Thomas. I'll be the dancer you need me to be, I'll put up with the way you run the studio because I know most of what you're doing is for the good of the company, but _I'm not Beth_. I'm not your property, I'm not at your beck and call every moment of the day, and I'm not going to let you threaten either of us. Understood?"

He laughs then, a bitter little chuckle. "If this were not the final night of _Swan Lake_, if I had _anyone_ else who could dance the role half as well as you do, I'd fire the both of you where you stand. Do you understand _that_?"

"And you'd miss the best years of Nina's career," Lily interjects, "because you haven't seen a _tenth_ of what she can do yet. Not to mention me. You really wanna throw all that away because you can't stand a woman who doesn't fawn at your feet?"

"I wouldn't be the dancer I am today without you, Thomas," Nina says. "But you can't control me. If you want us to make you famous, all you have to do now is get out of our way."

His lip curls, and Lily snickers. How many girls has Thomas promised to make famous? And here's Nina, gentle shy Nina, throwing his own game right back into his face. It's almost enough to make her pity him, but he's chosen his road in life. If he can't live it without regrets the way Lily does, then that's his fault.

"Get inside," he finally snaps. "I can't stand the sight of either of you." And with that he turns his back on his own studio and strides off into the anonymity of New York City's ever-present crowds.

"Well, that went better than I expected," Lily says brightly, and Nina laughs from sheer relief as they head inside.

The next couple hours are not going to be fun, and by the time the rest of the company returns from lunch break, Lily's lying flat on the floor with an ice-cold bottle of water held against her forehead to forestall her headache. "Look who finally showed up," Veronica chirps.

"Fuck off, I don't have time for your bullshit," Lily mutters, keeping her eyes closed. This won't be the first time she's danced sore and slightly hungover, and it probably won't be the last either. That still doesn't make it fun, and the damn Vicodin is only taking the edge off. She can't afford to be stoned onstage; Thomas would massacre her for that. And for once he'd be in the right.

Nina's finished her warm-up in much better shape – Lily's rather envious of that, but then, _she_ was gentle because she knew of Nina's inexperience. Nina, well, Nina was rapacious with long-suppressed hunger, greedy and wanton, and Lily _loved_ it, so all's fair in love and war.

The older girl sighs at Veronica and says nothing, not even when Veronica stops near her, probably glaring. Neither of them have time or inclination to screw around this afternoon. By the time the ballet mistress gets back and sees them, they're ready to practice for the night's show.

Lily's more than thankful that Nina's here and in perfect form. If she had to dance the Swan Queen tonight she'd botch it horribly. As it is, she's grateful to be only a little swan. _Note to self: no more all-nighters of rough sex before a big show. You're not eighteen anymore._ The thought makes her chuckle quietly.

There's no time for her and Nina to even speak to each other, and besides, Lily's still a little wary about being _too_ friendly in front of the other soloists. The girls may suspect something's up, but that doesn't mean Nina necessarily wants them to know she and Lily really are lovers. Lily herself doesn't care what they know or what they think. As long as they don't interfere, she's happy to ignore them.

From the moment Nina takes the stage, though, everyone can see the difference in her. Oh, she's lost none of the white swan's purity, but there's a power and confidence there that was lacking before. And as for the black swan…

Lily watches from the wings, her heart in her mouth, as Nina conquers the audience. _This_ is Nina as Lily always knew she could be, dancing free and wild, with all of the technical expertise she's built up over the years simply providing a platform for the passion of the dance. The very first night, when Nina danced out of her mind, she was fierce and bold and lovely, but this surpasses even that triumph.

But when she turns to the prince and captures him with her gaze, makes him hers, usurping the white swan… Nina's not actually looking at David, she's looking just over his shoulder at Lily standing in the wings, and it's a good thing the audience can't tell where her gaze is really directed. Lily catches her breath, and when Nina turns away she lets it out in a little sigh.

A sigh which is echoed from just behind her. Lily whirls to see Thomas standing there, shaking his head slightly. "_C'est parfait. Magnifique._"

Lily grins wolfishly at him. "You can thank me later," she whispers, keeping her voice as carefully quiet as his was so the audience won't hear them.

Thomas glares at her, but Nina's performance is simply too spellbinding for him to be anything more than annoyed. Just as Lily predicted, excellence on the stage will forgive a multitude of sins. "I will show my gratitude by not firing you, then."

She only smiles more broadly. "Go on and kick me out if you hate me so much. I don't care anymore. The only thing I want from New York is on that stage, and if I leave, she'll come with me."

"Are you so certain?" Thomas asks.

"Nina would follow me a lot further than California," Lily replies. "As a matter of fact, she already has."

"You take responsibility for this, then?" Thomas gestures toward Nina, who's winding up the piece. She whips through the last of the thirty-two _fouetttes en tourant_ as if they're nothing, lighter than air.

Lily shakes her head. "No. Nina's the one who did all the work. I just made sure she never had to do it alone."

Thomas sighs again. "Then I suppose I can forgive you your effrontery. This time."

"Good," Lily says, smirking. "Because we won't be in tomorrow morning, either."

"Is that so?" Thomas asks, his voice brittle with disbelief.

Lily arches one eyebrow and licks her lips suggestively. "Yeah. Because I've got plans for tonight, after Nina gets done schmoozing with the investors, and if she even _thinks_ of getting out of bed before noon tomorrow, I'm losing my touch."


	45. Reconciliation

**Author's Note****: Sorry for the delay in posting, readers. Life continues to remind me why "may you live in interesting times" is considered a curse. The times are certainly interesting, but **_**hectic**_** and stressful. Progress is being made, however.**

**Thank you all for your patience and all of your reviews.**

…

At the end of the show, Nina leaps from the pinnacle, and lies dazed on the mattresses for a long moment as applause begins to ring through the theater. _**That**__ was perfect, everything before was just rehearsal for this, but tonight was absolute perfection._ She's breathless, giddy, exhilarated, and as the curtains sweep closed she gets to her feet with one thought in mind.

Everyone's assembling for the curtain call, the final bow before the audience, and Thomas steps forward to take Nina's left hand. She glances over her shoulder; the little swans are lining up, and there's Lily at her right, smiling triumphantly at her. Nina can only return the grin, her chest too tight with pride to allow for words.

When the curtain rises again and the entire company bows, applause breaks over them like thunder. People are actually standing up and shouting, "Brava!" Nina swallows the lump in her throat as she sees her mother in the audience. Lily's hand tightens in hers and she flicks her eyes sideways to see Kyle and his David, too.

They have to bow twice more before the noise slacks off, and when the curtain comes down again it's a relief to the dancers' strained nerves. But Nina's not quite done just yet, and the moment the curtain closes completely she turns to Lily, cupping her cheek gently and staring into her mismatched eyes.

In the silence that now reigns behind the muffling curtain, Nina's voice is perfectly clear. "I love you," she says, and kisses Lily with no regard for makeup or the delicate tulle of their costumes, no concern at all for the rest of the company watching.

They just stare; there are a few gasps, but no one dares say a word, not even Thomas. Lily, after a moment of being startled, leans into the kiss with her lips curved up in the laughing smile Nina loves so much.

"I love you, too," Lily says when Nina lets her. Incredulous, she can't help chuckling. "Holy shit, way to come out of the closet."

Nina strokes her thumbs over Lily's cheekbones; the rest of the company may as well not even exist at the moment. At least until Thomas clears his throat. "Ladies, while our investors may be fascinated by this development, I have no particular desire to explain to them why we are all late to the post-show party."

Lily kisses Nina once more before letting her go. "Knock 'em dead, baby. I'm going to go home and catch some sleep. I'll see you after."

"'Til then," Nina murmurs back, and then she's got so much to do and so little time to do it in. A quick shower to rinse off, change into the dress for the party, and as she's getting ready to do her makeup there's a tentative knock at the door. "Come in," Nina says, wondering who it is.

Galina slips inside, looking around nervously, and Nina tenses just a little. "You're not interrupting anything," she says, too sharply.

"I'm sorry," Galina says. "I just…"

"If you have something to say to me, say it." Nina's done tiptoeing around the other girls. If Galina wants to condemn her choices, fine. Nina doesn't care what they think anymore.

"I… I just wanted to say … congratulations. Not just on the show. Good for you, and for Lily." Galina looks miserable saying it, but weirdly sincere just the same. Nina turns to look at her; this was the last thing she expected out of Veronica's best friend. "And I'm sorry, you know, for not saying it in front of the rest. I … I can't. You know how Veronica is, she'd tear me a new one."

Nina considers for a long moment. She knows Lily is of the opinion – and she'd have reason to know – that someone _has_ to stand up and speak out. Someone has to go public, fearlessly and unapologetically. Once one person has the courage to do so, a dozen others will step forth and add their voices to the rallying cry. Nina just never expected it to happen this fast.

"You shouldn't let Veronica decide your opinions for you," Nina says quietly.

Galina just looks more dejected. "I know, but we've been best friends since the third grade. And it's not that she hates you, she's just… Veronica's scared. Of Lily, mostly. She'll get over it when she realizes Lily's not interested in molesting her backstage."

"You can tell her Lily is the _last_ person who would ever do something against someone's will," Nina replies, smiling slightly. "It's just not who she is. Trust me, I was mostly the one chasing her."

Galina finally smiles. "I'll talk sense to Veronica if you'll ask Lily to be a little less threatening."

"I'll try, but Lily doesn't know how to back down from a challenge or a threat. I can't make any promises if Veronica keeps messing with her," Nina says, and to her immense surprise Galina hugs her.

"Thank you," the other girl says, and hurries out.

Shaking her head at how quickly things change, Nina gets her makeup finished just in time for another knock at her dressing room door. This time, however, her visitor doesn't wait to be acknowledged. Thomas calmly steps into the room and closes the door behind him. "Perfect, you're almost ready," he says as Nina turns questioning eyes to him. "I would like you to wear these tonight."

With that he opens a small dark blue box to reveal a necklace and matching earrings of diamonds and pearls. Nina can't help catching her breath at the sight of such lovely jewelry. Without further comment, Thomas comes to stand behind her, putting the necklace around her throat. Nina sees him nod soberly as he inspects her reflection. "As I expected, it suits you."

Almost by accident – though nothing with Thomas is ever accidental – his hands rest on her bare shoulders. Tense, Nina makes a show of examining the necklace in the mirror. "It_ is_ lovely," she says at last. "But Thomas, I can't accept…"

"It is only borrowed, Nina. I have an understanding with the jeweler. Do be careful with it, please." He gives her shoulders an encouraging squeeze and Nina smiles warily as she puts on the earrings.

She really wishes he'd take his hands off her, but it seems rude to ask. Thomas sighs, his thumbs stroking the back of her neck lightly. "Nina, my swan queen. Are you sure of your decision?"

"What do you mean?" she asks, looking at him in the mirror.

"Lily. Are you certain that she is what you want?"

"Yes. Absolutely." She can answer that without any hesitation whatsoever.

"I was warned about her," Thomas says quietly, almost to himself. "Her director in San Francisco told me Lily was … not precisely a troublemaker, _non_, but a catalyst for chaos. He told me my company would never be the same with her in it. But I do not think even he would have foreseen this."

"Sometimes change is good," Nina tells him steadily.

"Very well then, if you are set in your course, all I can do is wish you every happiness." With those words Thomas leans down to kiss her hair, just once, and then he steps back, offering her a hand up. "Come, let us enthrall your public."

Is it really going to be this easy? Somehow Nina doubts it. Whatever comes, though, she can handle it. She takes Thomas' hand and follows him out, already counting the hours until she can slip away and go home to Lily.


	46. Reality

Nina has decided that spending time with the patrons and investors is her least favorite part of being a principal soloist. Sure, someone has to pay the salaries for all the dancers and the rest of the staff, someone has to pay for all those _pointe_ shoes, someone has to pay the utility bills and the rent and the insurance. And the people footing all those bills need to feel like they're a privileged part of the company if they're going to keep buying season tickets and writing donation checks. Nina just wishes she didn't have to shake their hands and smile.

Thomas keeps her circulating, and for the first time she realizes he's watching out for her. The couple of creepy people who wanted to hang on to her too long, who set her teeth on edge from the first smile, he never leaves her alone with them and never lets her spend more than a couple of minutes with each. The art aficionados, the ones who actually understood the unbelievable combination of artistry and athleticism that is a dancer's life, those he lets her talk to for much longer.

As he guides her out to the company car earlier than she'd expected, Nina looks up at him with a wry smile. "It's strange, Thomas. Just when I think I know you, you surprise me."

He looks at her with eyebrows raised. "Is that so? Here, let me have the jewelry – I'll put it back in the safe."

Nina hands him the earrings and necklace, glad to be rid of the weight of them. It was quite uncomfortable to know she was wearing what could be several months' salary around her throat. "Yes, it is. I had you down as a ruthless manipulative bastard, but I'm starting to suspect there may be a decent man somewhere in there."

"You think so, Nina?" Thomas smiles at her as she takes her seat in the back of the limo. "I will say this to you then, my lovely swan queen. If such a man exists … _tell no one_." With that he chuckles, leaning in to kiss her cheek. "_Bonsoir_, Nina. Go home to your _amante_."

Nina can only conclude that Thomas approves, that her surety earlier was the last thing he needed to convince him. Lily was right then, he'll approve of anything that results in a performance like tonight's. _The first of many,_ Nina thinks with a satisfied smile. Finally her life is where she's always wanted it to be.

When she unlocks the door, she finds the apartment dimly lit, with music playing quietly. "Lily?" she calls out softly.

"In here." Lily's reply comes from the bedroom, and Nina notices that the sofa bed is folded up, giving them back most of their living room. She shivers a little at the realization that she can finally sleep beside Lily every night. And more than sleep. So much more than sleep.

Fifteen minutes ago Nina was tired and relieved to get away from the post-show party. Now she's walking slowly in spite of her eagerness, her eyes adjusting to the dim light. When she swings open the bedroom door, the sight that meets her eyes takes her breath away.

Lily has lit the entire bedroom with candles, and the flames' light bathes her gorgeous form in a shifting, flickering glow. She's lying on the bed, on her side, in what Nina instantly knows is an intentionally sexy pose calculated to show off her curves. The black dress that clings to her body had to have been chosen for much the same reason. Lily's chin is propped up on one hand, the other hand resting on her hip, and she's wearing a collection of silver bracelets, some of which Nina remembers from the first night they went clubbing.

She remembers, too, hallucinating how loud the silence of her bedroom was after her cries of passion died away, remembers hearing those bracelets click as Lily sat up from between her thighs and pushed her errant hair out of her face. It's completely unfair how well Lily knows her, how easy it is for the younger girl to set up something like this that will drive Nina to new heights of lust.

"See something you want?" Lily purrs, tracing the line of her own hip lightly.

"Yes," Nina breathes, dropping her purse onto the floor and slowly approaching the bed. This is a moment to be savored, not devoured; she knows that somehow. Lily smiles and rises up to her knees, every movement full of sensual promise.

With Nina standing at the bedside and Lily kneeling atop it, they're close enough to kiss, Nina sliding her arms around Lily's waist with a little sigh of homecoming. Lily kisses her tenderly, reaching up to pull out the pins keeping her hair in its tight coif. "Have you been waiting here all night for me?" Nina murmurs when they draw back for breath, feeling a little guilty for not breaking away from the party sooner.

"Not really," Lily admits. "Most of my night was spent in the planning stages, and I _did_ get some rest. But Thomas was nice enough to call when he sent you home so I knew exactly when you'd get here."

Nina can't help chuckling at that. "He _knew_. No wonder he told me to go home to my lover. He knew you had something up your sleeve."

"Even better?" Lily runs her hands through Nina's loosened hair, and the sweet gloss on her lips makes her smile even more irresistible. "We have all night _and_ tomorrow, Nina. I talked him into giving us the day off."

Twenty-four hours with nothing to do but love Lily… Nina shivers at the prospect. "I'm assuming you do have plans, then?"

"Oh, I do," Lily chuckles. "Starting with this." Only then does Nina notice the bucket of ice at the bedside, a wine bottle and two glasses chilling in it. As Lily pours, she tells Nina, "This is ice wine, the really good stuff. They make it by letting the grapes freeze on the vine, and then harvesting and processing it all at below-freezing temperatures. It's super-concentrated, very intense, and really sweet. Kinda like someone I know." With a wicked grin she hands the glass over and pats the bed beside her for Nina to sit down.

The first sip of the ice wine is simply spectacular. Nina's not much of a drinker, the sharpness of the alcohol usually detracts from the experience, but this is smooth and delicious. "Oh my God that's good," she says, taking another sip.

"Glad you like it. Just go easy, there's not much more than two glasses of it in that bottle," Lily purrs, nuzzling her shoulder. "Oh, and since it's a dessert wine, I had to get some dessert to go with it." Nina also hadn't noticed the little box with the name of an expensive chocolatier on it until now. Lily takes a chocolate-covered strawberry out of the box and offers it to Nina, smirking slightly.

She's holding it at Nina's lips and clearly expects her to nibble the treat from her fingers, so Nina does so. That means she has to lick strawberry juice off her lips and Lily's thumb when she's done. They share out the rest of the strawberries like that, feeding them to each other between sips of ice wine. It's as much playful as sensual, and when the strawberries are gone along with the wine, Nina kisses Lily to taste all of that sweetness on her tongue. The mingled flavors are pure heaven.

When they draw back for breath, Lily sets their glasses aside and reaches out to stroke the nape of Nina's neck. "Ready for your post-show massage, Swan Queen?"

A sort of drowsy warmth spreads through Nina, and she smiles lazily at Lily. "Hmm. Wine, chocolate, and a massage. Lily, are you trying to seduce me?"

Lily leans in close, kisses the corner of her mouth, and then whispers, "Of course." Then she's guiding Nina to lie down, and her hands are warm against Nina's skin. Nina has grown used to massage, but this is different, this is Lily deliberately using every ounce of skill in her talented hands to arouse instead of just relax.

She straddles Nina's thighs as she rubs her shoulders, and then unzips the back of Nina's dress. Nina can't help shivering at the feel of Lily's hands on her bare skin; she gasps softly when Lily practically lies down atop her to kiss the back of her neck. Lily trails kisses down her shoulders, soothing the scratches she left last night.

Nina's beginning to notice a theme here, and thinking of all the places she'd like to have Lily's mouth makes the hair on the nape of her neck stand up with a delicious little thrill. Lily takes the time to give her a very thorough back massage in between kisses, though, and Nina's drifting in pure bliss by the time Lily murmurs, "Roll over."

She peels Nina's dress off as the older girl complies. All Nina wore underneath was a pair of white lace panties, and for the moment Lily leaves those on. Instead she sets about running her hands over every inch of bared skin. Nina sprawls indulgently, head thrown back, sighing in pleasure at those tender caresses. Kisses follow in the wake of her touch, Lily's lips seeking out every place that makes Nina catch her breath. The curve of her jaw, the sensitive length of her neck, then tracing the line of her collarbone and slowly working further down.

Nina watches her, Lily's mismatched eyes full of heat as she places delicate little kisses all around Nina's breast. She never looks away as she takes the nipple in her mouth, holding it lightly between her teeth as her tongue circles the tip. It's Nina who breaks the contact, her eyes squeezed shut against the sharp lust that arcs through her body like lightning.

Lily laughs softly. "I know what you want," she murmurs, working her way across to the other breast. In between kisses her husky voice continues to whisper. "I know what you fantasized about, that first time. I know what you imagined me doing to you while you slid your hand between your legs and got yourself off."

Gasping, Nina can only stare pleadingly at her. How on earth could Lily know that? When the younger girl closes her eyes and devotes her full attention to Nina's nipple, Nina moans her name loudly. Lily fans the flames of Nina's lust higher, slow and thorough, before kissing down Nina's belly. She pauses at the scar, tracing it with her tongue and sending a delicious little shiver through Nina. "I'm going to give you exactly what you want the most," Lily whispers, lips silken against Nina's skin. "And I want you to know, Nina, that I've wanted to do this for a _long_ time."

She moves lower still, her hair trailing across Nina's stomach and along the flare of her hips. Lily slips the panties off, still taking her time. Nina can't look away from her, not even when Lily presses a kiss to the inside of her thigh. Those mismatched eyes have never been so intense. Besides, Nina _wants_ to see this, wants to know it's finally real, at long last Lily is literally making her dreams come true. Finally she gets to see if the reality is as good as the fantasy was.

Lily kisses her once, just there. And then tastes her, deep and slow and thorough, and Nina can feel every tiny movement of her lips and tongue. She arches her back with a wanton cry, and the last coherent thought in her mind is, _Nothing like I dreamed it, nothing at all, so much better than I could've imagined…_


	47. Finale

It's never been quite like this. Lily's had plenty of women writhing under her skillful mouth, but it was never like this. Sex has always been fun, playful, a great way to spend an evening; not until Nina has it meant so much. Knowing that she's the first person who's ever gone down on Nina, knowing Nina's experiencing it for the first time ever and it's so good she can't even speak, not even to moan Lily's name, _that_ gets to Lily like nothing ever has before.

The way Nina's wordless cries grow pleading, the way her hips rise with each stroke of Lily's tongue, all of it is irresistible. Nina's hands are fisted in the sheets as if she has to hang on to something to keep from exploding. She's getting close to climaxing, ecstasy spiraling higher every moment. Lily doesn't hurry her, keeping up the same leisurely rhythm. When she comes it'll be that much more intense for not quickening the pace.

So close now, Lily's hands on Nina's hips hold her steady, and she can feel the shivers running through Nina's body. Nina's back arches, and Lily looks up the length of her body. She catches a glimpse of Nina's face, her expression wrought by ecstasy, and that turns Lily on so much that she shudders, too.

Right on the edge, Nina's spine tautly bowed, her strong thighs trembling, and another slow, deliberate lick sends her to the peak. Nina cries out, her voice almost breaking, and then collapses back to the bed. Lily kisses her tenderly, Nina shivering from the aftershocks, and then leans back at last.

Done right, it's always messy, especially with someone as enthusiastic as Nina. Lily gives a little grin of amusement, then wipes her face with the back of her hand. To her surprise, Nina gives a breathless chuckle. Lily arches her eyebrows questioningly.

"You did that … in my dream… I was accurate about that too," Nina manages to say after a moment, still half-breathless and hazy-eyed with pleasure.

Lily smiles and snuggles up to her side, wrapping one leg around Nina's. "So what next? Did I curl up to you and tell you you're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen and I love you forever?"

Nina's lazy smile fades, and her eyes grow serious. "No, actually. You have to remember when this was…"

"So it ended badly." That makes Lily more determined to change the ending, and she starts running her fingertips softly over Nina's curves. Every time Lily thinks about how far Nina's come since those early days, she's amazed.

"You could say that," Nina chuckles, a trace of bitterness in her tone. She doesn't elaborate, and Lily doesn't particularly want to know. All she needs to know is that she has to make sure _this_ time ends well.

"Nothing like that will happen now," Lily replies softly.

Nina turns onto her side, moving languidly, and looks searchingly into Lily's eyes. "I know. Because that wasn't really you, it was the dark side of me. You're a lot kinder to me than I ever was."

Lily wants to say something profound about how she can't guarantee she'll never hurt Nina – people do hurt each other, after all, and people who love each other tend to hurt each other the worst – but she'll always try to spare Nina from pain and grief, and when she can't do that she'll always be here to bear it with her. Something thoughtful like that, only more poetic sounding.

She doesn't get the chance, because Nina's gliding a possessive hand down her side, and the look in those chocolate brown eyes is growing more focused without being any less heated. "I love you, Lily," Nina murmurs.

"I love you too," Lily replies, stretching like a cat as Nina keeps petting her.

Nina nuzzles her throat, kissing the thin sensitive skin, and whispers something that sounds a lot like, "I'm so lucky to have you." Lily would really like to just purr and be adored, but it's important for Nina to recognize the balance between them.

"I'm just as lucky to have _you_," Lily whispers back, making Nina look up at her. "I'm serious, Nina. You've gotten me to do stuff I've always avoided, and I _liked_ it because it was with you. You're like … God, this is gonna sound so high-school, but you're like the other half of my soul. Don't ever think you're getting the best part of this deal, because let me tell you, I am _so_ getting more than I ever thought I could."

Nina looks a little incredulous, and Lily narrows her eyes. "Don't think you're not one hell of a catch, Nina Sayers. I'm not gonna let you put yourself down, ever. Especially not compared to me."

A slow smile lights up Nina's face. "As long as you don't put _your_self down either. We're even, okay?"

"Okay," Lily sighs, relieved.

"And the next time we see Kyle I'm going to tell him you called me the other half of your soul," Nina adds with a chuckle.

"No! I'll never hear the end of it!" Lily laughs, but the devilish gleam in Nina's eyes tells her it's already too late. All she can do is tickle Nina in pre-emptive revenge, which leads to rough-housing, which ends up with Lily on top and Nina running her hands up Lily's thighs underneath her dress all the way up to her hips.

Then Nina pauses, the laughter vanishing from her expression. "You're not wearing anything under this," she says.

"Not a stitch," Lily tells her, grinning.

"Take it off," Nina commands huskily, and Lily does – slowly, so Nina can enjoy every inch of revealed skin as it comes into view. When she tosses the dress aside, Lily can tell by the look in Nina's eyes that the older girl has never seen anything so beautiful in her life. For someone like Lily, who's constantly told how hot she is, to be looked at like a precious work of art is something new and wondrous.

The next thing she knows she's on her back with Nina kissing her neck. "I want to taste you," Nina whispers in her ear, her hands hot and greedy on Lily's bare skin.

"Then do it," Lily murmurs. "I want you to, Nina. God, I'm so wet…"

Nina growls at that, and Lily imagines midnight-feathered wings arching over them both. Yes, she'll take this too, she loves Nina's black swan side as much as the white one, and finally having both at once is everything she ever dreamed of in a lover. Passion and tenderness, raw and gentle, it's just so perfect that Lily's already writhing in eagerness before Nina even kisses her there.

And Nina knows how much it's getting to her, because there's a wicked little smile on her lips when she murmurs softly, "You know I've never done this before, so you have to tell me if I'm getting it right."

"You'll know, trust me," Lily whimpers. _You and everyone else in the building, probably,_ she thinks, and that's the last coherent thought for a long time. It's just too much; Nina's running on pure instinct, but they're damn good instincts, and knowing that she's the first Nina's ever done this with sends her soaring even higher. At the same time Nina's being a tease without meaning to or even knowing it, most likely, so caught up in discovery that she's not quite giving Lily enough to get her off.

Eventually Nina settles into a steady rhythm that makes Lily moan loudly, arching her back. Lily belatedly remembers she was supposed to tell Nina how she's doing, and she manages to do so in a breathless, husky voice. "Ohhh, God, yeah… Nina, lover, you can do that … _ohhhh _… for the rest of my _life_…"

And Nina stops, completely fucking _stops_ to look up at her, her lips glossy with Lily's desire. "Trust me, I plan to. Lily, it's you, and _only_ you, forever," she says in a low serious tone, and then gets right back to where Lily needs her most.

Commitment and fidelity, two of those things Lily's been avoiding most of her life, but from Nina it's exactly what she wants to hear. "Yes, love," she moans. For impossibly long seconds the world narrows to her breath, her heartbeat, Nina's mouth fierce and tender, and then it all shatters into white-hot fulfillment.

Later, in the warm silence afterward, they curl up in each other's arms to fall asleep in perfect comfort. Lily's last conscious thought, as they lie with their foreheads touching and legs intertwined, is that she would love to end a thousand nights like this. Ten thousand, maybe more. She smiles as she drifts into dreamless sleep.

…

**Author's Note:**** Yes, as the title indicates, this is the final chapter of **_**Coda**_**. There will be an epilogue, but it will take a week or more to post it, as I'm leaving this weekend to go get my new car and then drive home across half the country without a computer. Thank you all for reading and especially for reviewing – there have been times when the best part of my day was reading reviews and knowing that you all appreciate the effort that went into telling this story.**


	48. Epilogue

No picket fence, no minivan, but twenty years after the final showing of Swan Lake, Lily and Nina are living in a suburb of San Francisco. The house is anything but palatial. Then again, they don't need a lot of space – they have an entire studio now. Home is where they retreat at the end of the day, where they go to curl up and relax. The setting sun throws painted shadows through their living room, and when the wind blows strongly out of the west it carries the salty tang of the sea with it.

In a relationship like theirs, there are several anniversaries to celebrate. Nina's the one who keeps track of the day they met, while Lily prefers to celebrate the final performance of Swan Lake – and everything after it – with ice wine and chocolate-covered strawberries in memory of that glorious night.

The big one, the anniversary of their wedding, falls just a few months later, but it's a year younger than the other anniversaries, now the nineteenth whereas the rest are twentieth. It took them a while to get that arranged; they'd proposed to each other at Kyle's wedding reception, both of them planning to surprise each other. The entire wedding party had laughed uproariously at their synchronicity. Nina and Lily were less amused when they found out they'd both approached Thomas to ask for an advance on their pay to buy the rings; he'd known both of their plans and hadn't seen fit to enlighten either of them.

Still, he'd wished them well and gave them a handsome wedding gift – a week's honeymoon in an exclusive hotel on the beach in Half Moon Bay. By then, he and the best two dancers in the company had settled into a partnership of sorts. Thomas would do anything for the good of the company, and in the case of Nina and Lily, all he needed to do was show genuine respect for their talents. Even Lily eventually admitted that he had his decent moments, which Thomas promptly warned her to keep to herself lest his reputation as a ruthless bastard be damaged.

Even better, by the time they got the wedding planned and organized, Erica Sayers had finally accepted the fact of her daughter's relationship enough to attend. She and Lily would never be best pals, but they're civil to each other, even friendly as long as they're not forced into close proximity for too long. After all, they both love Nina with an intensity that can be frightening.

The first ten years of Nina and Lily's marriage were largely blissful. Of course being an official couple set them apart from the other soloists, though the others gradually came around. Veronica found it difficult to sustain a grudge when Lily and Nina both largely ignored her, having better things to do than quarrel with her. They shared the role of prima ballerina between them, which Thomas played up for public relations purposes and Lily played up for shock value. Lily, whose surname had changed three times before she was eighteen, had taken Sayers as her last name when they married, and she thoroughly enjoyed showing off her rings to correct people who assumed she and Nina were sisters.

Then came the accident. Nina's career had been on the wane, Lily stepping into her place with the effortless, artless grace that was so integral to her style, when all of it ended one night with a wrecked limo and a shattered ankle. Lily would never dance _en pointe_ again; her future was abruptly stolen from her. During the months of physical therapy and the emotional roller coaster of dealing with the death of a lifelong dream, Nina had been by her side every moment. It was her turn to be supportive while Lily pieced herself back together, and she did it with all the strength and surety Lily had sensed in her back when they met.

They'd been smart about money and had more than enough saved to move to California, where the salt-tinged air and the golden sun were balms to Lily's wounded heart. Kyle hired them both for his dance academy, and no one else in the area could boast of _two_ New York Ballet principal soloists teaching their students. When he retired they renamed it the Sayers School of Dance and expanded to include more than just ballet. Three nights a week the hallways rang and echoed with the snappy beat of tap shoes, and Sunday afternoons bewitching music floated from the studio where belly dancing lessons were taught.

Nina and Lily were both careful and lucky about whom they rented studio time to, as well as who they invited to join them in the venture, and they did well for themselves as teachers. Lily could only dance _demi-pointe_, so she taught the younger students, instilling in them a love of ballet. Nina took the older students who were ready to refine that love into a quest for perfection. Between them they began to turn out students who succeeded in San Francisco, Sacramento, and Los Angeles.

In almost a decade as instructors, Lily has seen Nina's black swan side emerge only once into the light of day. That was when a furious stage mom made the mistake of belittling her daughter's slow progress, and dared to blame it on Lily as well when she tried to intercede. Nina had arrived at the sound of raised voices and delivered a scathing rebuke that left the woman pasty-faced with shock. She'd ended by banning the woman from the premises, which the angry mother had protested by insisting her daughter's lessons were paid in advance. "Oh, your daughter is welcome here," Nina had replied, her voice low and cold. "She has more maturity, grace, and tact than you do, and she's a pleasure to teach. _You're_ the one who's banned, and if I find out you're taking this out on your child when you should be encouraging her…" She'd trailed off, but Lily wasn't the only one who'd seen the red glint of wrath in her eyes, and the woman had finally left contritely.

Other than that, the black swan has been a part of Nina, tamed enough to come when called and to withdraw when dismissed, yet wild enough to give a fierce passion to Nina's dancing, an undercurrent of power taking the perfect control to new heights. She uses that to inspire her students, and they worship her almost as much as Lily's classes adore _her_.

It isn't a perfect life. There's no such thing, all couples argue from time to time, and working and living so closely intertwined makes any conflict inescapable. There's no challenge they can't overcome together, though, and both of them believe that so strongly that their quarrels rarely last more than a day. They have a rule – it's Nina's rule really, and she's persistent when she wants to be – about not going to bed angry, so while there are a few times when they stay up 'til sunrise arguing out an issue, most things are resolved quickly.

After all, they've come through so much together that most of the things people argue about are inconsequential by comparison. What's Lily's ridiculously expensive coffee or Nina's borderline-obsessive neatness compared to facing down the black swan and banishing each other's nightmares?

So anger dissolves into shared amusement most of the time, and acquaintances envy the strength of their relationship. Always it comes down to this: no matter what, neither of them will give up on the other. Once upon a time they were both broken, and now they've healed stronger than before the break. And at night in their moon-silvered bed, time has no dominion, and the connection between Nina and Lily is as magnetic as ever.

_**~ Fin ~**_

**Author's Note:**** Thank you all for reading and reviewing and sticking around until the end. This story turned about to be about 5 times as long as expected, but I loved every moment of writing it, and I hope you had just as much fun reading it.**


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